Porn Addiction Relapse & Recognizing Triggers

Top 5 Causes of Addiction Relapse

There are a million reasons why someone relapses, but addiction specialists agree that avoiding triggers-the situations and emotions that make drugs attractive-is half the battle. According to Elizabeth Hartney, a leading addiction specialist, the top 5 reasons that those struggling with addiction relapse are:

1. Stress: Stress is one of the top causes of relapse. While one can’t avoid all forms of stress, making lifestyle, relationship, and priority changes can help the recovering addict to avoid situations that spark tension and other negative emotions associated with relapse.
2. People or Places Connected to the Addictive Behavior: Being around people and places associated with one’s addiction can often push a person to relapse. For example, going back to a favorite bar may tempt an individual to pick up the bottle again. It’s better to avoid these temptations, especially in the early phases of recovery.
3. Negative or Challenging Emotions: While negative emotions are a normal part of life, those struggling with addiction often cite frustration, anger, anxiety, and loneliness, as triggers for relapse. Therefore, usually as a part of therapy, it’s essential to develop effective ways of managing, these feelings.
4. Seeing or Sensing the Object of Your Addiction: In recovery, even a slight reminder of the object of the addiction, such as seeing a portrayal of addictive behavior on television, can lead to relapse. While it is impossible to avoid such reminders forever, developing skills for managing any urges or cravings can aid in preventing relapse.
5. Times of Celebration: Most situations that can trigger relapse are perceived as negative. However, sometimes positive situations such as times of celebration, where alcohol or drugs are present, are just as risky. Avoiding such events or bringing along a trusted friend can assist in preventing relapse.

While relapse may happen for some and not others, it’s important to remember that relapse does not mean failure. Recovering from addiction is a life-long process of hard work and dedication to one’s program and recovery path.

Recognizing Triggers

An easy way to look at triggers is to think of them as synonymous with temptation. While you may not always be able to control whether you experience a trigger or a tempting thought, you do have power over whether you succumb to them. In other words, just because you’re tempted to do something you know is bad for your sobriety doesn’t mean you’ll blindly follow through on the urge. Learning to trust your ability to say no and surrounding yourself with people and situations that support you help to build the “muscle” of sobriety.

Triggers can include people, places and things; in general, anything that you associate with substance abuse and/or the compulsive behavior can be a trigger. This can include seeing or hearing something on TV about drinking or gambling; the sound of ice cubes hitting a glass as a family member gets ready to pour a refreshing soda; the smell of pot at a public venue; being around too many people, or being alone; not taking your medication and many, many more sights, smells, sounds, tastes, words, music — the list of possible triggers can seem endless sometimes.

Many self-help support groups use the acronym “H.A.L.T.” to describe certain triggers. The letters stand for Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired; for many, these are common situations that make it more likely you’ll use or drink.

What serves as a trigger for you may be completely different for someone else. However, these are some common triggers, according to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.

• The anniversary dates of losses or trauma
• Frightening news events
• Too much to do; feeling overwhelmed
• Family friction
• The end of a relationship
• Spending too much time alone
• Being judged, criticized, teased or put down
• Financial problems; getting a big bill
• Physical illness
• Sexual harassment
• Being yelled at
• Aggressive-sounding noises or exposure to anything that makes you feel uncomfortable
• Being around someone who has treated you badly
• Certain smells, tastes or noises that remind you of your drug of choice

Once you’ve learned to identify your triggers, you can take the proper steps to deal with them effectively. For some, it helps to keep a list of coping techniques that have worked in the past — such as going for a run, calling a close friend or your sponsor, or “urge surfing”(imagine yourself as a surfer who will ride the urge, staying on top of it until it crests, breaks and turns into less powerful, foamy surf) — along with how you felt after afterward. For example, remembering the good feeling of exhaustion and inner quiet after a long run, or the sense of pride and power you felt after riding out the urge. It’s also important to keep a list of people you can call if triggers become overwhelming. That human connection in the moment may be enough to give you the support and encouragement you need to get through without giving in to the trigger.

And remember to share what you’ve learned with others in self-help support groups or group therapy. There’s great collective wisdom in the rooms of recovery and many opportunities to provide and receive suggestions for excellent coping techniques for triggers.

Signs You’re About to Relapse

 

How do I know if I’m slipping? If you’re asking yourself this question, it could be that you already suspect your recovery might be in jeopardy. Or you might just be a bit cautious. Either way, knowing the signs of relapse can give you the time to take proactive steps to avoid slipping back into using.
Here are 10 common signs of an impending relapse; you don’t need to experience all of them to be at risk. For some, a single trigger can signal relapse is on the way. The key is learning how to recognize the warnings and reaching out for support at the first sign of trouble.

10 Warning Signs of Relapse

1. Negative thinking. You find yourself regarding daily life as bleak and the tasks you need to do as burdensome. You feel like you have a great weight on your shoulders. Increasing feelings of hopelessness or negativity should alert you that you could be in danger of relapsing.
2. Easily angered or annoyed. It’s as if your nerves are on hair-trigger sensitive. You become mad, even furious, often without warning and increasingly over small things. This isn’t like you, but you can’t seem to pull out of it. Getting into arguments with loved ones and family members more frequently is another clear sign that you could be on the verge of relapse.
3. Complacency or overconfidence. After being in recovery for a while, it starts to seem like you’ve got it all down. You know what to do and begin to feel like you can handle any situation. As a result, you may let some of your regular recovery to-do items slide, for example, attending 12-step meetings or practicing self-care habits like healthy eating or exercising. If you find yourself becoming complacent or overly confident about your sobriety, you may need to reassess and reinvest in your recovery program.
4. Increased stress. Without the comfortable crutch of alcohol, drugs or a problematic behavior to smooth over daily aggravations or unexpected situations, you may find your stress level is at the breaking point. Worries about finances, performance at work and how your recovery may be affecting your loved ones can all take a dramatic toll, wearing you down and increasing the likelihood of relapse.
5. Skipping meetings. Not everyone needs to attend self-help support group meetings as part of their recovery. But if you’ve been in recovery for a period of time and you have found meetings helpful, after a while it may begin to seem tedious and unnecessary to keep going. Maybe you feel that you don’t need the regularity of meetings to keep you on course and that you’re perfectly fine on your own. That may in fact be true, but it’s worth paying attention to this tendency, as some may find it’s a short distance from cutting back or skipping recovery meetings to sliding into relapse.
6. Putting yourself in risky situations. If you find that you’re going back to your old haunts and hanging out with friends you used to use with, that’s a precarious situation — and one likely full of old triggers. So guard against thoughts of revisiting the people, places and things you associate with using.
7. Denial. Questioning whether you ever really had a problem or denying to others that you have a problem are both signs that you could be in danger of relapse. If others notice and comment on a difference in you, yet you continue to insist that you’re on top of your recovery, it may be time to slow down and reflect before you slip back into addictive patterns.
8. Isolation. Holing up in the house, refusing to see friends and keeping your distance from family members are troublesome signs of relapse. When you’re in recovery, you need sober, supportive people in your life who reinforce this positive path you’re taking. If you feel depressed, disheartened or angry or alone, instead of sitting home and feeling miserable, get out and surround yourself with people (or at least one person) you trust and with whom you can share some time, even if you’re not ready to open up about how you’re feeling.
9. Loss of interest in family, friends and activities. When problems start to mount and you feel like everything’s about to come crashing down on you, you may notice in yourself a tendency to withdraw from people and activities you once enjoyed. To safeguard your hard-won recovery, it’s important to talk about what’s bothering you, either with a trusted loved one, your sponsor, your therapist or counselor or a member of the clergy.
10. Losing hope. When life looks completely black and you feel a sense of hopelessness and despair, this is a critical warning sign of impending relapse. Take such feelings seriously and get help right away.

 Source: Internet

 

Jerusalem in the Qur’an – Implications for Muslims

Jerusalem in the Qur’an – Implications for Muslims

What are the implications for those Muslims who read this book to the very end? 

The first is that Jerusalem and the Holy Land should be dearest of all to their hearts - as dear as Makkah and Madina - and the struggle to liberate the Holy Land from the abomination of the secular Euro-Jewish State of Israel should be the dearest of all struggles (of liberation) for the Muslim. If a Jew can leave USA or Europe or Russia and join the Israeli Defense Force and participate in the armed oppression of the Muslim and Christian Palestinian people in the Holy Land, then a Muslim should also have the same freedom to leave wherever he resides in the world and join in the armed resistance of the oppressed in the Holy Land. … It is, in fact, a minimum tangible expression of faith in today’s world that Muslims should at least have the desire in their hearts to participate in that armed resistance (Jihad) in the Holy Land. Muslims should be warned, however, that as soon as they publicly declare their belief that the State of Israel will be destroyed by a Muslim army, and express the hope that they would be members of that army, they would eventually be intimidated and even arrested in order to silence them and make of them an example which would intimidate others. 

Secondly, the financial and other resources of the Muslim world should be directed primarily to assist in the cause of the liberation of the Holy Land from oppression.

Thirdly and most important of all, Muslims (male as well as female) must study the message and guidance of the Qur’an as it pertains to the destiny of Jerusalem, and then teach it to others.  

Source: Jerusalem in the Qur'an by Imran N. Hosein

to be continued....

Stages of Nafs - A Concept of Intangible Self

The different stages of Nafs and 
How to strive towards the best?

Bismillah

When Allah subhaanahu wa ta'aala creates a human, He infuses Ruh in them. Ruh is the spirit or soul of a person which is breathed into a person when they are in the womb, to breathe life into the developing foetus. The status of Ruh (Soul) is such as is mentioned by Allah in the Quran in the following verse:

‘‘Allah takes the souls at the time of their death, and those that do not die [He takes] during their sleep. Then He keeps those for which He has decreed death and releases the others for a specified term. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought.’’ (Surah Az-Zumar 39:42)

Nafs is that part of Ruh which is handled by an individual. Nafs is one’s inner self. In the Quran, Allah has described three main types or stages of nafs. An individual can go through all three stages at one point in his life.

The three stages are:
1) Nafs al`Ammara Bissuu' (The Nafs that urges evil)
2) Nafs al`Lawwama (the Nafs that blames)
3) Nafs al`Mutma`inna (The Nafs at peace)

To better understand the concept of Nafs, we can compare it with Freud’s psychoanalytic theory of personality in which he states that there are three inherent components in one’s personality –

    a) The id
    b) The ego and
    c) The superego

Nafs al`Ammara Bissuu' can be defined as the id. This is the animal stage of nafs in which a person’s actions are governed by his emotions and are mostly evil or harmful for the soul. A person cannot control temptation when in this stage. According to Freud, id is raw, savage and immoral. This stage of nafs is guided by the pleasure seeking principle. It does not consider right or wrong and only takes into account the satisfaction of desires.

It is mentioned in the Quran:

And I do not acquit myself. Indeed, the soul is a persistent enjoiner of evil, 
except those upon which my Lord has mercy. Indeed, my Lord is Forgiving and Merciful."
(Surah Yusuf 12:53)

The Nafs al`Ammara Bissuu' is guided by earthly desires and passions.

Nafs al`Lawwama is the second stage of nafs which comprises of the Freudian concepts of ego and superego. It is a self-critical stage during which an individual reviews his actions. Good deeds are thought upon and bad deeds are rejected. The ego here acts like the haram police. It decides which desires to fulfil and in what way. The superego is the ethical aspect of personality which considers only the right action regardless of the reality or consequences. The ego is one which decides what is to be done with a desire. Thus, Nafs al`Lawwama is the stage of conflict and the stage of decisions in which the good actions win majority of the times. In this stage, the nafs is also referred to as the soul that blames, as is mentioned in the Quran in the following verse:

‘‘And I swear by the reproaching soul [to the certainty of resurrection].’’
(Surah Al-Qiyamah 75:2)

This stage of nafs shall be the one which blames an individual for all his evil actions on the day of judgement.

Nafs al`Mutma`inna is the highest and purest stage of nafs which perhaps Freud never dealt with. In this stage, our desires are at rest and one knows what is right and finds no difficulty or conflict of interest while performing the righteous deeds or actions. An individual is content with his worldly life and focuses more towards a better hereafter. This nafs is referred to in the Quran in the following verse:

[To the righteous it will be said], "O reassured soul, Return to your Lord, well-pleased and pleasing [to Him], And enter among My [righteous] servants And enter My Paradise." 

(Surah Al-Fajr 89: 27-30)

Ibn Al-Qayyim has mentioned: The nafs is a single entity, although it’s state may change from Nafs al`Ammara Bissua, to Nafs al`Lawwama, to Nafs al`Mutma`inna which is the final aim of perfection.

Striving towards the best and the purest stage of nafs is to have total faith in Allah, be content with your worldly affairs, not be dissatisfied etc. All this can be achieved step wise by defeating the 7 evils of nafs, i.e.

(1) False pride
(2) Greed
(3) Envy
(4) Lust
(5) Backbiting
(6) Stinginess and
(7) Malice

Nothing can be achieved without Allah’s help. One needs to keep making dua to Allah to have control over our nafs along with working to conquer each evil.

In his book Jihad-un-Nafs, Imam Ghazali mentions – The Prophet sallallaahu 'alayhi wa sallam said: 

"There are two impulses in the soul, one from an angel which calls towards good and confirms truth; whoever finds this let him know it is from God and praise Him. Another impulse comes from the enemy which leads to doubt and denies truth and forbids good; whoever finds this, 
let him seek refuge in God from the accursed devil." (Tirmidhi)

God has armed soldiers which He has placed in the hearts and souls of others of His world, and none knows their true nature and actual number but He. The limbs of the body, five senses, will, instinct, knowledge, wisdom, reflection, emotive and intellectual powers are among those soldiers.

Jihad against one's own nafs is the primary war a believer has to wage. Indeed it is difficult to catch hold of your nafs and give it the Islamic shock treatment in today's world when you are surrounded by accomplices of Satan working round the clock to darken your heart. Let me tell you, they never leave even a tiny miny chance to do so! But in the end, when you triumph, it will be worth all the periods of angst and pain you went through. 

I pray Allah makes it easy for all Muslims to gain control over their nafs, eliminate the evils from our hearts and makes us worthy enough to enter the Jannah! 
Ameen.

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How To Master Your Nafs

The Nafs And The Mind

The human being has 4 enemies, according to the Islamic tradition: your ‘nafs’ (lower self), your desires (hawa), shaytan (satan), and the ‘dunya’ (this temporary material world). In this article, I’m going to define the ‘nafs’ as it has traditionally been defined, in the Quran and Sunnah. Then I’m going to share with you how this relates to your mind and emotions. Then, I’ll give you some techniques you can use to literally ‘master’ your nafs, or at the very least, prove to you that you can.

Much has been written about the nafs by Muslim scholars throughout the ages, and much has been discovered more recently in Western psychology, and by leaders of the ‘human potential’ movement. This series of articles intends to bridge that gap, and set you up with a new understanding that will literally empower you to ‘master your nafs’. Indeed, it’s no coincidence that the Arabic term for ‘psychology’ is ‘ilm an-Nafs’ – knowledge of the ‘self’.

The first thing to clarify is that there are several definitions that can be given to the nafs, and the several ways in which the term is used throughout the Quran and in Islamic literature.

1. The Nafs as the ‘Lower Self’

Start by thinking of the human being as having a ‘heart’ – a psycho-spiritual heart – the essence of what makes us human. According to the Islamic tradition, this ‘Qalb’ or ‘heart’ contains 2 parts of us. The ‘nafs’ – the lower self and the ‘ruh’ – the higher self. There is a precedent in the Islamic tradition to avoid over-questioning what the ‘ruh’ is, because by essence its true nature cannot be understood by the human mind. It suffices to say that it makes up the best part of us.

For those of you into psychology, this definition of the nafs is comparable to Freud’s understanding of the  id (lower self, nafs), super-ego (higher-self, ruh), and ego (self – the balance between the two). However, what Freud writes about the id and super ego does not necessarily equate to what the Quran and Sunnah teach about the nafs and ruh. (The Islamic understanding of the ‘ruh’ in particular is very different to Freud’s theories about the super-ego)

2. The Nafs as the ‘Level’ of your soul. 

Throughout the Quran, references are made to the nafs and from these scholars have deduced that there are 7 distinct ‘levels’ of the nafs. The first and lowest is “nafs al-ammarah”  the inciting soul which is completely unconscious and unaware and so inclines towards evil. The highest is “nafs al-kamila”, the perfect soul, believed by some to be a station attained only by the Prophets.

The 2 definitions above will give you much more clarity when you read Islamic writings on the soul, where the term nafs is either being used to describe the ‘lower self’ or the current ‘level’ of your soul.

With these definitions in mind, I would like to let you in on a theory that allows us all to understand the connection between our mind, thoughts, emotions and soul, in accordance with the Quran and Sunnah.

3. A Psychological Definition Of The Nafs.

My contention is that the ‘nafs’ is a word used to describe our thinking mind. This includes every thought you have or are having right now of the past and the future, and the emotional patterns triggered by your thoughts. If you want to master your ‘nafs’, the most effective way to do this (as is done automatically by all the pious people who have mastered their nafs) is to let go of your thoughts. If this makes absolutely no sense to you right now and you’re thinking…

“But aren’t thoughts… good?!
Aren’t we meant to think?
Isn’t it ‘I think, therefore I am’?”

…then hang in there, because you’re about to have a spiritual insight that, insha’Allah, will bring you much closer to Allah (swt), improve the power of your Salah, and put a smile on your face for the rest of the day by allowing you to master your nafs, right now.

The reason your mind, (or your nafs) has a strong reaction to this understanding is that your whole sense of your “self” is based around your thinking mind. You think you are your thoughts. You are not. You are much more than your thoughts. You are the consciousness, the space, within which the thoughts exist.

Often your thoughts rush through your mind so thick and fast that you can go for an entire day without ever having peace of mind – a peace which can only come by quieting your thoughts. And sometimes, perhaps during Salah, or the few moments after a Salah, you will have been in a state where there was silence, not just around you, but inside you. Silence inside your mind. You were free from thought. Free from your nafs.

When your thoughts are completely quiet, you are fully conscious. When a thought enters your mind, just notice that the thought entered. Observe the thought. By doing this, you do not identify with it. You realize that you are the consciousness that observes the thought, not the thought itself.

Play this game as you read this article. And rest assured that once you ‘get’ the point of this article, you can be in a state of ‘no-mind’, or ‘no-thought’, if only for a few seconds to start with. Then, you can move on to the following articles and train your mind (your nafs) so that you control them, rather than allowing them to control you.

First you must simply notice your thoughts, and realize that you are not your thoughts. The moment a thought comes up, observe it, and you are outside of it. You realize that you are more than it.

Mind And Emotions

It’s well established in different areas of psychology that your mind and your emotions are linked. In cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), the aim is to realize which thoughts came up when you felt a negative emotion, then write out the distortions in that ‘automatic’ thought, and think about the situation in a different, more realistic way. This frees you from the negative emotion, and allows you to improve your well-being.

In Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), a central tennet is that you control your mind, therefore your emotions and your results. NLP teaches you to direct your focus or ‘internal representations’ (ie. the pictures and words that make up your thoughts) and to direct the way you use your physical body in order to get into any emotional state you want. This is very cool, and very powerful, and I’ll show you how in a future article, insha’Allah.

Both these methods are good for helping you direct your mind and control your emotions. In other words, they help you master your nafs. However, the deeper spiritual state I want you to enter is to be completely free from your thought-emotion reactional patterns. You can do this instantly, by simply noticing your thoughts as they enter, and noticing the feelings inside your body when they come up.

Some great questions to ask yourself consistently to help you enter this state are:

“What’s happening in my body right now?”

“Is my body at ease right now?”

“Am I at ease right now?”

…and notice what is happening inside your body. By asking yourself these questions, you will interrupt the thought/emotion pattern and for a moment you become present and fully conscious (free from your nafsy-thoughts).

Here’s another great question I want you to ask yourself right now. Ask yourself…

“I wonder what my next thought will be…”

Read that question again, close your eyes and pause before continuing.

What happened? Did you have millions of thoughts rushing through your mind right away, or did you experience a few moments where no thoughts came up? Most people, myself included experience the latter.

Now that you’ve experienced the state of no-mind for a few moments, commit yourself to doing it for a few seconds before the ‘Allahu Akbar’ at the start of every Salah you pray today. 

Sh Hamza Yusuf wrote a popular book, translating and explaining a classical Islamic spiritual text, called ‘Purification Of The Heart’. It’s an excellent book and there are very few like it available in English. It breaks down each of the psycho-spiritual diseases of the human heart and then goes into practical cures for each of them. The diseases range from anger, envy, and fantasizing to procrastination and heedlessness.

Naturally when I first looked at the book in an Islamic bookshop somewhere, I skipped straight to the “juicy bits” – the overall root diseases of the heart, and their cures. Do you want to know what the cure is for pretty much all of the dis-eases of the human heart, from an Islamic spiritual perspective…?

Dhikr.

Dhikr is often translated as ‘rememberance of Allah’. And herein lies the problem. How can you ‘remember’ Allah, when Allah is incomparable? It is impossible, isn’t it? To remember is to bring something to mind, but whatever you bring to mind when you ‘think of Allah’ is not Allah, so you are not remembering Allah. Unless…

You first accept this reality: freeing your mind from thought, (which I also refer to as the ‘thinking-mind’, ‘nafs-thoughts’, ‘the ego’, or ‘the nafs’) is the closest you will ever be to Allah. If you want to ‘remember Allah’, and be in a state of true, deep dhikr, you must clear your mind of all thought. When your mind is free from thought, you will notice you are closer to Allah than you’ve ever been before. You are now in a state conducive to real ‘dhikr’. In fact, you are in a state of ‘ihsan’ and dhikr is what your body & tongue do when you are in this state. If you’re a Muslim you’ve almost certainly been in this state before, probably during some form of worship – you just didn’t realise how you did it.

In future posts, I will break down all the different ways you can get into this state of ‘spiritual presence’, which in Quranic terminology is called ‘ihsan’ and is an internal requisite if you want to benefit from your ‘dhikr’ and worship. I’ll also show you which everyday activities automatically put you in this state – such activities are considered by many to be ‘excellent’ things to do. However, for now, it is important that you recognize that to be in a state of true dhikr is to free your mind from all thoughts. That will bring you closer to Allah than anything else you can do. In this state of no-mind, you have pure awareness of Allah, and when you choose to say ‘SubhanAllah’ in this state, it will be about 1 billion times more powerful. Don’t take my word for it – try it for yourself.

The Quran – The Greatest Form Of Dhikr

Of course we know that the Quran is the highest form of dhikr. However, only when your mind is quiet do you open up the space inside yourself for the Quran to be absorbed. If your mind is thinking millions of irrelevant thoughts as you are reading the Quran, you will miss the point of what you’re reading (that’s if you understand the Quran in the first place). If you are reading the Quran without understanding it, because you haven’t yet invested a few hours into learning basic Arabic, then the only way you can really benefit from such reading is by being intensely present whilst reciting the words.

Let all your acts of worship enhance your awareness of the present moment. Why? Because when you are fully aware of the present moment, your nafs-thoughts disintegrate – at least in that moment you are the master of your nafs; you are in a state of ‘ihsan’ (spiritual presence).

You do not need to be a scholar or a saint to do real, pure dhikr. It is your birthright, and you can do it right now, as you sit in your chair, reading this article. When you get into this state of being free from thoughts of the future and the past, you will automatically be fully aware of the present moment. You’ll be fully in tune with ‘Reality’ (al-Haqq). In other words, you’ll be aware of Allah (SWT).

Of course, your nafs will do everything it can to stop you from becoming aware of its never ending stream of thoughts, that you identify with. But your nafs can’t do much, once you become aware of the fact that ‘dhikr’ is worship, and being in a state of dhikr is tantamount to being ‘present’ – free from thought.

Get into the state of no-mind (the previous article gave you a couple of ways how), notice your thoughts, and let them go and when your mind is free from thought, consciously praise Allah. Again, if you want a deep, powerful, comprehensive training to help you let go of thoughts and Master Your Nafs, click here. 

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How I came to Islam

Yes, I'm Muslim. Deal with it

Bismillahir Rahmaanir Raheem.

HOW I CAME TO ISLAM..

I am a muslimah. How did I end up in Islam? It is a question I have been asked a few times and there is an answer of course, I’ve just been avoiding the question because it was all so “natural”. The short version is simply ; “Well, it just happened.” But here's the long version; the full story of my journey.

I was born a roman catholic to Portuguese immigrant parents, half descendent from clergy and half descending from a nobility long forgotten mixed in with some long deceased arabs from the Iberic peninsula.

A few things about my childhood strike me as pertinent now as I look back; my father’s strictness, for one, in my early childhood. My mother was not permitted to cut her hair or wear pants or make-up or go to work. He wasn't abusive; just strict! She finally convinced dad to permit her to teach from home, and this, apart from school and the few, very Portuguese family friends formed the basic pillars of my early social life. My sister and I were to be perfectly well-behaved, perfectly groomed little portuguese Catholic girls who never spoke unless spoken to (around adults) and who were not permitted to socialize with boys or visit with any friends that did not fit in with the strict Portuguese immigrant upbringing. Only family friends were seen, on family outings.

I have to say I did my level best to be the perfect daughter and Masha-Allah my parents are quietly proud of me in most respects, although religion has always been a sore spot between us. “It’s the one area where you just don’t fit and I often wonder where you came from!?” my mom said in the long ago past. She now says "you were always a seeker, I'm not surprised you keep searching for closeness to God". As little girls, my sister and I were sent to Catholic Sunday School and as a child I argued with the teacher about why Jesus had to die. She called my parents after I disturbed the class with “theories” that God couldn’t be so cruel, and I was asked to complete my studies with my mom at home, for a while. Of course mom spoke to the priest and as long as I didn't "stir the pot" I was back in. I was 5 at the time. My mother didn’t fare much better with me as I refused to say the section of the Nicean creed where I declared the Roman Catholic Apostolic faith the only true faith. I remember standing there learning at her bedside and arguing with her as to where this came from - I remember her being really upset and saying that God was going to punish her for my lack of belief, and as the years went by I conformed, then rebelled, then conformed again, all along wanting to know Him.

I guess I’ve searched for HIM all my life.

Covering came naturally even as a child. At school I'd wear my summer uniform with my long sleeved vest and woolen socks. Everything had to go to the neck and to the ankles. Many things about Islam appear to have always been a part of me in a strange way... So much so, that if people tell me Islam is repressive to its woman, I want to flip a switch and display the image I have in my mind of my staunch Catholic upbringing–everything was starched in those days within South Africa – from clothes to prayers to alms giving – I can still smell the “Robin” spray..

In my teenage years of high school and singing in bands I became gradually interested in the Occult. But having studied about Wicca, I knew I'd not make a good witch because I refused to pray to a “horned God” and instead kept my bible on my Moon Ritual table as “protection” . But I admit I was curious and I dabbled, wanting to know what made things tick etc. etc. !.. I was excellent at telling the past and future, it seemed just natural - but standing there during a magic ritual one midnight with a high priest of a "macumba" brazilian cult, I remember seeing a demon and thinking; “Why’s he so afraid of me?” and telling him "you can't take my soul, that belongs to God!"

I sought understanding among mediums who could understand what it was like to be able to "know" what was going on in a person's life without being there. To see things others didn't. But I wasn’t much good at the spiritualist church thing either. I laughed through too many of their “mediumship” nights. I recall being singled out during one "service" and told to please wait outside because my light was disturbing the ensemble, and then being called up to the “pulpit” after and told I didn’t belong there because I was a "fairy with too much light". My poor mom accompanied me rather than see me go down a wayward path, despite her staunch catholic upbringing, and watched my searching and shook her head. We never went back.

(Years later, all doors to the occult my Allah shut tight. Long after the smoke went up on the new-age items that I set ablaze in an attempt to purge myself of what I felt was a very, very wrong path. (The priest said it harmed no-one that I could predict things somehow, yet I was not convinced and I had not heard of  "inspiration" as it is explained in Islam, and "jinn" as they are explained, so I struck that match anyway). I've asked forgiveness of my Allah for my curiosity which lead me down some strange paths in my search for HIM.)

In those growing years, my mother thought I was spiritually strange and despite her starched catholic upbringing took me to a "house of spiritual healing" where another set of mediums were supposedly exorcising harmful spirits through a process in portuguese known as "passes" or laying of the hands. Supposedly.

Yep, I had some very strange experiences that would probably put hair on a golf ball - but I remained rebellious, remained searching, until I eventually “settled” into my discomfort...

How? ...I married an atheist of course! I then attended an "alpha course" at the local catholic church, but became really upset during one service in which everybody prayed ONLY to Mary. It was some celebration of Mary and so instead of the usual "lord hear us, Lord graciously hear us" recited after the priest's prayers, we the congregation were asked to say "Mary hear us, Mary graciously Hear us." That was the last time I set foot in a catholic church I was SO upset! How could they, when they claimed that only GOD answers prayer, and when they said that Mary told people "do whatever he tells you to do "(referring to Jesus, who in turn said go to the father, which in those days' hebrew meant Creator). I visited a Christian church looking for a spiritual home, and here I had my second water baptism the day before my son was born - as I stepped out, baby decided it was time to out.

For a while, I was at peace. Then the church held a service where it began this "name it and claim it" rubbish - It basically taught that if you want something in life you “decree” it, or “claim” it because as a "child of God" you are owed it and because "Jesus died for you" there is no sin in wanting more because "by his stripes you are healed" so nevermind the illness God allows to teach you something, you just tell it to go away (yes that was sarcastic, read it again.) It’s called Prosperity teaching.

I remember the pastor’s words; “Draw the line in the sand. Why shouldn't you have a Ferrarri on earth? You certainly won’t need it in heaven!!” It didn’t sit well with me; Was I to go around making demands of Almighty God? No, no, no! Not all churches are like this of course, but this one was a peach! For instance if you were sick, you claimed healing in Jesus name. (pbuh) and were to get out of bed and behave as though you did NOT have the flu until it went away.(There were a few people hospitalized with pneumonia that year). Needless to say, God allows this type of crap for only so long before he "smites you" and "tests you". Case in point - I was glad to have left that church when shortly after leaving I heard the headpastor had developed incurable cancer. Apparently they didn't claim hard enough!

Understand me nicely; I did not take Christianity lightly. I searched within my then faith for answers first. It was everything I was, I identified myself as a Christian first and foremost and had my share of "battles won" notches with Jehovah’s witnesses under my belt. I might have saught elsewhere for short periods of teenage haziness, but I returned to the "home" of christianity every time.

One night, in 2001 - 11th September - I came home from bible readings to the news that the world trade center had been bombed by Islamic terrorists. 9/11 was the pits. People were enraptured by the death and destruction of the towers, and the world was suddenly set ablaze by anti-islamic feelings. Me? I kept wondering about the bombers!- I watched that footage over and over, and I kept thinking; what drives someone to that point? I remembered Early Christians standing in ampitheatres awaiting the lions that would kill them and nobody I knew had the guts to stand up to anything much for their faith, certainly not in an ampitheatre, apart from the IRA and their never ending battle. No, this reaked of a people pushed to the limit and it smacked of conspiracy. What was the cause behind the 9/11 murders? Who dunnit?!

The more I read, the more I smelt a rat. I became convinced that the bombing was a very carefully orchestrated plot to discredit Islam, and nothing else, and I wondered "but why"!! Is it all about the oil, is it about the resources, or are they just a "convenient fall guy" -what was it about these muslims - what do they have that could be such a threat to a super power or those who govern it? Reading what the people of America said and thought and the nebulae about the event, as I searched I realised that the victims of 9/11 and their families and those who to this day feel the repercussions were victims of greed and deception, and lies, not so much victims of islamic jihad. I had by then learnt that refers to an inner battle against carnal issues and issues of the flesh which is pretty much what christianity is supposed to advocate, right? To me, 9/11 wasn't about the hatred of backward group of Bedouin-descent desert people high on the opium of religious zeal.

As I read up on a miryad of  conspiracies, I learnt that truth often lies buried in the rubble of political mirror games, so I began to look into everything I could to do with the middle east crisis. 

It was at this point that I began conversing with a young muslim man – aptly named Mohammed. (Who says Allah doesn’t have a sense of humour?!) who felt as I did about 9/11 and who could answer some questions about Islam. He told me stories from the Quran, the Bukhari, and other Islamic sources. He advised me, rather simplistically, simply to “read”. The more I looked at the middle east crisis and the more I researched, the more I read about Islam. And slowly, the number of books on the Knights of Templar and the Illuminati decreased, the articles on 9/11 made sense and I closed that chapter, knowing that questions needed answers that didn't lie in "jihad" And so, the books on Islam began to pile up. 

I was given a copy of the Quran by a lady I met at my child's school which I couldn’t put down and I devoured everything I could find on the subject of Islam, it’s history, it’s practice and it’s Nabi. (pbuh)  I felt guilty as a catholic reading the Quran - I did! Especially since it's written in the first person - that person being God himself! I was accustomed to divinely inspired and humanly manipulated scripture - the very word of GOD was rather scary! But everything was beautiful to me about Islam; the pictures, the architecture, the history, and the image of a man in sandles with his hands behind his back, quietly living in subservience to Allah whilst managing a nation of mixed peoples. The prophet Muhammad (pbuh) became someone of special interest to me and I asked many questions of any muslim I met!

Through Mohammed and those books, Allah touched my heart and my mind and inspired me to find the truth. I asked my then preacher about a few things that I found contradictory which were so clear through the eyes of Islam, and the answers were simply not satisfactory. I was frustrated, I was confused, I was irritated. When the church had no answers for me, they told me not to fall into "condemnation" and called my seeking “demonic lies”. When I told them I’d started praying 5 times a day, they applauded me for getting to know God and encouraged me to turn this “pagan friend” into a Christian.

There came a day alone in my bedroom one night, when I could not pretend to be what I was either, I felt different, I knew I was different. There was no going back to a previous path because that path simply had crumbled. What I believed I just didn't believe anymore. I stopped attending church as well as bible study and instead one night, in a moment of complete self-denial, I lay flat on the ground and wept out loud to God right there on my bed. (Who knew you had to prostrate on the ground?) I remember crying “ I don’t know if this is East or West Lord, I don’t know if you are Jehovah or Allah, and I'm a mess and confused but I Need to KNOW you personally. You could be Allah and Jehovah rolled into one, but whatever and whoever you are I MUST know and YOU made me so YOU tell me. Not through some saint or even through your son (that was my prayer then), I want to know DIRECTLY from you. You created me. Jesus said pray to YOU, so why should I be told by others to pray to anyone else? Lord, YOU are the truth, YOU are the light, so YOU show me the way.” and I continued praying through that night. I remembered how Mohammed had mentioned the early hours of the morning where God descended to the lowest heavens to answer prayer, so I woke in the early hours after I’d fallen asleep with this image in my mind of angels looking for people who were seeking GOD, and I reached out and asked. "you have not because you ask not" is a bible verse that came to mind. So I asked.

I prostrated again, prayed myself to sleep, and continued reading the next day. I read the bible, I read the Quran. I started taking what I read seriously, and asking Allah about everything I read, without exception, when I had a doubt. Many things happened parallel to this, but the most relevant to my walk in Islam were these.

I knew my history of searching and I knew that THIS TIME - this was a decision I would not be able to “hop out of” if I took it. It’s like all the other religious inclinations and "taste tests" were rides on a fairground, but I knew that if I chose Islam, I’d be boarding a train that I would not get off until the end of the world.

Eventually, I said my Shahadah to my friend Mohammed on December 8th 2006, when he was telling me how easy it was to say the words; “La Ilaha Il Allah”… I didn't think he'd heard me say them at the time - and I know he didn’t immediately realize I’d just taken my Shahadah, but in later talks he remembered and it had sat with him that indeed I HAD taken my shahada (statement of faith).

I’d just returned from a short holiday to think life through. On this trip I’d found myself walking along a pier and reading the story of Rabia of Basri. Near to me on the pier was a woman in Hijab, her husband in a Khurta. We struck up a conversation and discovered she was from close by to where I currently live. So a few weeks after saying my Shahadah with Mohammed, I was led in it again with my new muslimah friend, one whom I asked God for; one who became like a mother to me, and a beloved sister who taught me so much about Islam and about LIFE - a sister who's last lesson was herself, her body ; which was to become the first I gave ghusl to only a few short years later when she passed away. I lost a mother and a father that day she passed, as I could no longer communicate with her husband, a Moulana who had inspired me to think and pray and keep to the siraat ul mustaqeem. (straight path) My Fathima Mula was my dear friend and I will always remember her contribution in the times when I needed a woman to talk to about Islam.

As long as I live I will still be asking questions and I will be seeking to draw even nearer - to be a friend of Allah. So long as I keep asking Allah, I find people bring me the answers, like Mohammed, that dear brother who Allah used to help me take the first steps of understanding. How we argued about Islam and christianity - how we debated!! Answers still come, alhamdolilah, in books, in words, in testimonies. I am grateful for the huge lesson I learnt as a Christian to “take EVERYTHING to God”.

Islam is the missing piece of my existential puzzle because whereas I was taking everything to God, I had not yet learnt to “ACCEPT everything from God ONLY.” (that "BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD" lesson of christianity only really settled inside me as a muslim).

As a new Muslimah I see what’s happening in the middle east with new eyes. Now those suffering people are my people, the breath that flows from Allah through each dot in the Ummah that forms His Blessed Name.

Islam meant that EVERYTHING had to change. You name it, it changed. Clothing. Food. Home. Family. Outllook. Routine. Habits. How to wash, how to eat, I mean EVERYTHING. My band days and stage days had to go. Relationships that were ungodly had to go. Friends turned away from me, abandoned me for leaving the faith. Everything had to go. Talk about the TWIN towers - talk about melting SILVER!! I had to learn to speak again, learn to pray, learn to walk, learn how to address people, and in everything the prophet (saw) became my role model. Everything was truly broken down to be rebuilt as different. I mean EVERYTHING. What muslims take for granted like saying "bismillah" when you eat, I did not know and had to learn.

So Islam and ALLAH have given me all i have now. What do I bring to Islam after this walk in the desert of spiritual searching? I think that in my time of initial searching, I discovered the immensity of Allah’s love though I knew him as Jehovah or God; it was as a Muslimah that I found my Allah as the consistently present Almighty that he is, and I found the other side of loving Him –those structures of Islam that keep my house of faith standing, even if it is shaky at times – like Salaat, and Durood, and the Quran, and so many other little building bricks of Imaan. Responsibility for praising Him and discipline in how I love Him is new for me, sometimes comforting, sometimes a battle, but I am human afterall. DISCIPLINE was the greatest lesson. Discipline about my thoughts, my actions, my walk. I became opinionated but in a good way I think because I have this strength alhamdolilah that comes from knowing I am nothing without ALLAH!

There are many obstacles I face as a Muslimah living in an area where there are very few Muslims; not the least of which is what I call Islamic Isolation!..

So that’s how I came to Islam. It’s a difficult story to tell in a short space of time, and I think that’s because I didn’t come to Islam. It came to me. Slowly knocking on my heart. I remember muslim friends from way back when. I thought them strange, but they were just an example that Allah used to lead the way. I think that Islam has been with me since the day I was born, as I look back on my life and my searching and the many, many signs. I just didn’t know it was there until I was ready to welcome it into me.

Thankfully our Allah is the only Illah of Subr too, and as the epitomy of patience He is giving me as much time as I need to change..  because change is a constant and no-one is ever "complete". He knows these changes have been very hard for me as well as for those around me. I was not born into a muslim family, so that means i needed to change more things than most born muslims think are things that have to be changed (because they are things that come naturally to them).

Little things, big things, and even a few mountains, must keep changing, purifying, becoming more beautiful insh'ALlah as I seek my Allah as friend and beloved..  but with love and patience and time and faith, change they must and change they will Insha-Allah.. in His timing. In the meantime, I remain just Rabia, just another muslimah walking on the road of my Islam, singing "Labaik Allah, Ummah Labaik", and holding onto his rope in a million ways.

I will give my last breath for my Quran, my right to be a WOMAN and my right to be a Muslim. I pray that Allah may use whatever of me HE wills to serve and love him, and I ask all brothers and sisters who might happen upon this blog only one thing - Duahs.

I dedicate this blog to my husband, Mohammed, who is my soulmate and my journey's end each day, to my Nabi (saw) who is our example, and my Allah, who is our LORD and Creator, giver of life, sustainer, our one true hope, our source of solace and our source of joy, our provider, our protector, to whom there is no partner and no equal, and HE who is our beginning and our end.