ETIQUETTES AND FIQH OF THE FIRST NIGHT OF MARRIAGE - Islamic Guide To Sexual Relations

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- 11- ETIQUETTES AND FIQH OF THE FIRST NIGHT OF MARRIAGE

THE FIRST NIGHT of marriage (laylat al-zufaf) is probably the most important night of a couple's marital life. Failing to observe correct moral ethics and etiquettes in this night can have a long-lasting negative impact on one's spouse, since the first impression is often a lasting impression.  

Both spouses will be starting a completely new chapter in their lives, not knowing what the future holds for them. Naturally, they will be nervous, apprehensive and anxious. At the same time, they will be excited and eager to get to know one another and start their marital life with bliss. In an ideal situation, both will almost be strangers to each other, having had no intimate contact previously. As such, bashfulness and a feeling of strangeness is to be expected.

In such circumstances, it is extremely important for both the husband and wife to try their utmost to make matters easy for one another. They should treat each other with extreme gentleness, compassion and tenderness. The wife will naturally be more nervous, bashful and even fearful, hence the husband has added responsibilities to play his role of a husband on the first night. He should ensure that she feels at ease by creating a friendly and courteous atmosphere. He should be kind and extremely gentle with her by engaging in light-hearted conversation.

1) Greeting with Salam and Reciting the Du' a

When the newly married couple enter the bedroom, after greeting one another with the traditional Islamic greeting "Assalamu 'Alaykum Wa Rahmatullah Wa Barakatuh" (may the peace of Allah descend upon you and His Mercy and Blessings), the husband should place his hand on his wife's forelock (front part of the head) and recite the following supplication:

Transliteration:

Allahumma inni as'aluka khayraha wa khayra ma jabaltaha 'alayhi a'udhu bika min sharriha wa sham mil jabaltaha 'alayh.

Translation:

"O Allah! I ask from you the good of her and the good with which you have created her, and I seek refuge with you from the evil in her and the evil with which you have created her."  

(Sunan Abi Dawud 2153, Sunan Ibn Majah 1918 and others, 

the wording of the Du'a is from Sunan Abi Dawud)

Although, this supplication (du'a is addressed to the man, it implicitly includes the woman also. Any Du'a which refers to women in a specific way can also be inverted to refer to men. As such, the wife may also recite the supplication when she sees her husband for the first time, but the wording will be slightly changed to accommodate the male gender, as follows:

Transliteration:

Allahumma inni as'aluka khayrahu wa khayra mil jabaltahu 'alayhi wa a'udhu bika min sharrihi wa sharri mil jabaltahu 'alayh.

Translation:

"O Allah! I ask from you the good of him and the good with which you have created him, and I seek refuge with you from the evil in him and the evil with which you have created him." (See: Radiant Prayers by Mufti Taqi Uthmani P: 64)

The reason behind this supplication is that all human beings, with the exception of the Prophets (peace be upon them), are prone to the whisperings of the Devil and have a propensity for evil, and so the couple are encouraged to pray for the good in each other and seek protection from each other's evil. It certainly does not mean that one's spouse is evil, but rather, this supplication refers to the possibility of evil in one's spouse, be that the husband or wife.

2) Offering Prayers

Abu Wa'il relates that a man once came to Sayyiduna 'Abdullah ibn Mas'ad (r) and said, "I married a woman, but I fear discord [between us]. He replied, ''When you bring her to you, offer two Rak'ats of prayer [and in another variation he said, ''When you enter upon her, ask her to offer two Rak'ats behind you] and then say, "O Allah! Bless my family for me, and bless me for my family. O Allah! Unite us with good, and separate us, if you do, with good." (Tabarani in his Al-Mu'jam al-Kabir 9: 204, and 'Abd al-Razzaq in his Al-Musannaf 6:83)

In this way, the couple should first perform two Rak'ats of prayer, preferably in congregation, with combined intentions of night vigil prayer (tahajjud), thanks-giving prayer (shukr) and prayer of need (haja). If the couple is in need of renewing their ablution, they must first perform the ritual ablution. After the prayer, they should praise Allah Most High and send blessings on His Messenger (sa) and thank Allah for blessing them with this great gift of marriage. They should ask Allah to bless their union with goodness, prosperity, mutual love and the birth of pious offspring. Remember, the best of supplications are those that are made from the heart, out of neediness, with recognition of one's standing as a slave of Allah.

3) Light-hearted Discussion

After praying and making Du' a, the couple should try to get to know each other more closely and assess each other's feelings by initiating a light-hearted discussion. It is recommended that they first engage themselves in some religious talk such as discussing the aims and objectives of marriage in Islam. They should make a firm resolution of living their lives in accordance with Islamic teachings and always to obey Allah Most High and His beloved Messenger (sa). They may even read some Islamic literature together, if they so wish. The husband should regard this moment as an opportunity to show his consideration for his wife's tender feelings, and treat her with love, affection and warmth. The wife, in turn, should not play "hard-to-get" but respond to his tenderness with love and compassion of her own.

4) Sexual Relations

It is important to note that engaging in sexual relations on the first night is not necessary. The husband should not hasten in taking his wife's virginity, but rather he should approach the matter with extreme calmness, even if it takes a few days. The newly married couple have all their lives before them for sexual relations, and there is no need to make haste in this regard. Much of the time during the first night should be spent in getting to know one another, sharing each other's outlook on life and how their marital life should be lived in accordance with Islamic teachings. They may, however, begin to be intimate with one another, if they feel comfortable.

If intimacy does lead to sexual relations and actual sex, then the husband needs to be extremely gentle during penetration. A virgin undergoes considerable anxiety and pain during sex, and the husband must keep this in mind. Scholars mention that a husband's inability to penetrate on the first night is not a sign of his weakness or sexual impotency, since it is natural for men to be bashful or anxious on the first night, affecting their sexual potency. The couple may try on another occasion, and it may even take a few days. Both spouses will need to approach this delicate issue with forbearance and tolerance, helping one another in making matters as easy as possible. (Usul al­Mu'ashara al-Zawjiyya P: 69)

Likewise, the husband should not expect his wife to respond fully to his sexual advances on the first night. A woman is more bashful than a man and will naturally be reserved in her response. The husband should take one step at a time, and the wife should respond to him in each step that he takes, eventually leading to full sexual relations. (Ibid)

5) Evil Suspicions

One extremely important point of caution for the husband is never to doubt his wife or have evil suspicions if it appears that she is not a virgin. Baseless suspicions and evil thoughts about others are categorically forbidden in Islam and a major sin. Allah Most High Says:

"O you who believe! Abstain from much suspicion. Some suspicions are sins ... "

(Qur'an: 49:12)

A woman's hymen, the fold of tissue that partly covers the entrance to the vagina of a virgin, can be broken in many ways, including heavy menstrual flow, prolonged illness, falling, jumping excessively, horse ­riding, cycling and certain sporting activities. In fact, in the Hanafi School, a woman is considered an "effective virgin" if people consider her a virgin, even though she may have had sex in the past without this being presently known about her. This is because virginity is something of great social weight in Islamic society, and to stain her honour for a past sin, from which the woman has presumably repented, would be wrong. (Radd al-Muhtar)

If the first night is spent in accordance with the above guidelines, it will serve as a perfect start to a blissful and happy life of marriage, Insha 'Allah.

Source: Islamic Guide To Sexual Relations

To Be Continued....

Why The Prophet Married Lady Aishah? - Prophet Muhammad's Wives

Prophet Muhammad's Wives

Aisha bint Abi Bakr

Why The Prophet Married Lady Aishah?

Society’s norms of sexual relationships and family life are in a state of continual change. Living in the 21^st century, we find that these changes that used to be slow and gradual in the past are gaining more and more speed. We have already been into Future Shock and the Third Wave of dramatic and catastrophic changes in the way of thinking, in our attitudes and approaches to life and the world. (Alvin Toffler’s Future Shock [1970] and The Third Wave [1989] are path-breaking books that describe the effect of fast changes that overtake modern societies.)

In most of the so-called civilized countries, family values seem to have lost all worth for most people. In the post–World War II generation of the United States, 80 percent of children grew up in a family with both the parents. Now that number has dipped to 60 percent or more. Before declining slightly in recent years, divorce rates had soared more than 30 percent since 1970. Today nearly half of American marriages are projected to end in divorce or permanent separation. Nearly half of people between ages 25 and 40 at some point have lived with a member of the opposite sex outside of marriage.

Please notice that we take the American statistics for the following reasons: 

(1)Reliable statistics are available there;

(2) Most countries and peoples of the world imitate the Americans and are facing the same results;

(3) Most of the critics of Islam come from America and so they are expected to have first-hand experience of the situations described.

Ninety percent of women born between 1933 and 1942 were virgins when they married; now over half of all teenage girls in the United States have sexual intercourse with some man before age 17. More dramatically, the percentage of teen girls who said that having a child out of wedlock is a “worthwhile lifestyle” rose from 33 to 53 in the past two decades. And what about same-sex marriage? It is being accepted even by the conservatives and the clergymen as perfectly normal. Such findings lead many people to conclude that “the institution of marriage is in serious trouble.” (Michael A. Fletcher, “Study: Marriage Rate Is at Its Lowest Ever—Findings Are Proof of Changing Attitudes, Report’s Authors Say,” Washington Post; published Friday, July 2, 1999, in The San Jose Mercury News.)

To speak of the age of consent for women in the United States: A 20-year-old woman who marries in Nebraska breaks the law because there the age of consent is 21, while a woman in Alabama can legally marry at that age, as the age of consent there is only 18. A hundred years ago, under the common law in the United States, the age of consent was just 10 years. Ancient Jewish law permitted girls to be wives at a much younger age. In ancient India girls as young as five and six were married to much older men. Even now the practice continues among some Hindus.

The foregoing shows that the minimum age for girls to be married varies from culture to culture and from age to age. Against this background, there seems to be no point in holding a particular age as the right age of consent in the post-modern world. But people who want to impose one on a different culture or religion would make it a big issue. It is surprising how even the intellectuals show a tendency to judge others by their own culture-specific standards as though these should be accepted universally binding on the whole of mankind!

This is not to argue that today girls should be married off at nine or ten years, for no one can ignore that the times, the social conditions, and the cultural milieu have undergone immense changes. But the very same fact should help us to realize that in another age and in another cultural setting, marrying a girl at the age of nine was quite the norm and there could be nothing surprising about that.

The events of the Prophet’s life (as also is the case of the lives of other prophets of the past) should be interpreted in the light of the socio-historical conditions of the times. What people often miss is the absurdity of trying to assess an event of sixth century Arabia, as though it happened the other day in downtown Manhattan or Birmingham.

It is worth stating here that it was Abu Bakr, the father of Aishah, who gave her in marriage to Muhammad (peace be upon him), and that she remained a faithful and loving wife until death parted her from her husband. And of the wives of the Prophet, none was so mature and knowledgeable as Aishah (may Allah be pleased with her).

As for your other point, it is a well-acknowledged principle that a hadith should be interpreted against the background of the actual context that led the Prophet to say or do what he did. Furthermore, when applying the hadith to the present situation, we need to consider the changed circumstances. It is meaningless to expect the Prophet to have explained all in advance; rather, it is the duty of modern scholars to do this interpretation in the right way, so as to make the example of the Prophet relevant to the present times.

It is only natural that some of the things that the Prophet did or said may not correspond to a particular time or situation; but that does not make such examples insignificant or irrelevant. In the future, situations and conditions may arise that call for decisions or rulings based on those examples.

And Allah knows best.

Source: http://onislam.net

Beardless youths

He is attracted to beardless youths; how can he rid himself of this sickness?

I have the problem of being attracted to beardless youths and I have no desire for women. The reason for this may be a bad experience that I had in childhood. I try to be patient as much as I can. I lower my gaze and I know that this is haraam, and I do not regard it as permissible. I ask Allaah for forgiveness and I pray “O Allaah, purify my heart and keep me chaste.” I do not think that marriage is a solution for me, because I have no desire for women. I fast on Mondays and Thursdays. But this is still in my heart. What should I do? Is there anything that will compensate me in Paradise? I ask Allaah to forgive me if there is any transgression in my question. Praise be to Allaah.
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Firstly: 

Remember that this is one of the most serious of problems, and that it may lead a person to doom. It may affect his mind and make him go insane, or it may affect his physical health and make him ill, or it may affect his religious commitment and cause him to be doomed, and lead him to a bad end. So beware of continuing with this and strive hard, seeking the help of your Lord, to rid yourself of this evil inclination, and look at those who have been affected by this so that you may learn a lesson from them. 

Ibn al-Qayyim (may Allaah have mercy on him) said: 

It is narrated that a man fell in love with someone and became totally infatuated with him, and that love became deeply rooted in his heart until he fell ill, and took to his bed because of it, and that person tried to keep away from him and felt great resentment towards him. Intermediaries kept going between them until he promised to visit him. The sick man was told of that and he rejoiced greatly and his anxiety was dispelled, and he began to look forward to the appointment that had been set. Whilst he was like that, the intermediary came and said: He came part way with me then he went back, but I encouraged him and spoke to him, and he said: He remembered me, and rejoiced about me, but I will not enter because I will not expose myself to accusations. I tried to change his mind but he insisted, and left. When the sick man heard that, he was filled with despair and became worse than he had been before, and appeared to be in the throes of death, and he started saying: 

Your pleasure is dearer to my heart than the mercy of the Almighty, the Creator 

I said: O So and so, fear Allaah. He said: This is how I feel.  

I got up and left, and I had barely passed through the door when I heard the cry of death. 

Allaah forbid that we should meet with a bad end. 

End quote. 

Al-Jawaab al-Kaafi (p. 117) 

What do you think? Would a wise Muslim want to die as that sick lover died, who gave precedence to the pleasure of his beloved over the pleasure of His Creator Who created him and formed him and granted him provision and guided him to Islam, and bestowed upon him blessings both apparent and invisible? If you say that you would not want that – which is what we think you would say – then you should know that you are travelling the same path as him and that there may befall you what befell him, if you do not check yourself.

Remember that this is the path that was first travelled by the people of Loot, namely the love of beardless youths, then Allaah punished them in a way that no nation has been punished before or since. Allaah turned their houses upside down and caused the earth to swallow them up, and He pelted them with stones and took away their sight.

Secondly: 

Remember that there are causes for this calamity, and these causes are things that the afflicted person has brought upon himself. The one who wants to be saved from his predicament must look at these causes and rid himself of them, otherwise he will be content with his situation and unwilling to change it for something that is better. These causes may include the following:

1 – Weakness of faith and lack of love for Allaah in one’s heart, and a lack of fear of His punishment.

2 – Looking freely at beardless youths, and enjoying their beauty and appearance. 

This is the first route that the affected person takes to sin. His Lord has commanded him to lower his gaze and avoid looking at haraam things, and his Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) has enjoined him likewise. If he ignores the command and does that which is forbidden, then Iblees has shot his poisoned arrow into his heart, and finished him off. moral actions.

3 – Falling short with regard to obligatory and naafil acts of worship 

If the person who is afflicted with this problem prays on time, fulfilling the conditions and obligatory parts of prayer, that will be a deterrent that keeps him from falling into evil and immoral ways. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning): 

“Verily, As‑Salaah (the prayer) prevents from Al‑Fahsha’ (i.e. great sins of every kind, unlawful sexual intercourse) and Al‑Munkar (i.e. disbelief, polytheism, and every kind of evil wicked deed)”

[al-‘Ankaboot 29:45] 

So how about if he regularly performs sunnah and naafil prayers?

4 – Forsaking the Qur’aan and failing to read books about the lives of righteous men and the imams 

The Book of Allaah contains guidance, light and healing; it is the best protection for the Muslim against falling into sin and it is the best remedy for the one who does fall into sin. 

If he reads books about the imams and biographies of the scholars, he can take them as an example and become familiar with their stories and rise above immorality and evil.

5 – Falling short in seeking knowledge 

Knowledge is light, through which one may know what is halaal and do it, and what is haraam and avoid it. Through it he may come to know his Lord, may He be exalted, and His names, attributes and deeds. That will generate in his heart a sense of shyness before his Lord and shyness before His angels, so that he will not want to commit evil and immoral actions. Through knowledge he will come to know the state of sinners and the punishment that Allaah has prepared for them.

6 – A lot of spare time in the lives of those who have this problem 

If they kept themselves busy with acts of worship, sport, permissible actions and seeking knowledge, they would not have time to spend in thinking of haraam things, let alone doing them.

7 – Making friends and keeping company with bad people 

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) likened the bad friend to one who works the bellows: he will either burn his companion’s clothes or he will notice a bad smell coming from him.

8 – Not getting married 

Allaah has created natural desires in man, and He has made the outlet for that in women. The permissible way to do that is marriage. The one who goes against his natural state (fitrah) and diverts that desire towards other males like him, is even lower than the animals, for the animals that Allaah has created are in front of us, and do we ever see any male mounting another male?  

Thirdly: 

The one who wants to deal with his problem and rid himself of it should look for the reasons why he has fallen into the haraam actions of looking, mixing and keeping company with beardless youths, and rid himself of them by giving them up. Trying to treat the problem without addressing the causes of sickness is a remedy that is doomed to failure and will never succeed. There follow some treatment methods for the one who wants to rid himself of this problem and try to free himself from the trap of the shaytaan, and seek the pleasure of Allaah. These include: 

1 – Strengthening one’s faith by means of acts of worship, including fasting, filling one’s heart with love of Allaah, and fearing His punishment. 

2 – Preventing oneself from looking at beardless youths with or without desire, and not keeping company with them or sitting with them at all, and not being alone with them, even for teaching Qur’aan. 

3 – Praying regularly and on time, and being keen to do regular Sunnah and naafil prayers. 

4 – Reciting a portion of Qur’aan regularly, and reciting the adhkaars for morning and evening, and reading about the lives and biographies of the imams. 

5 – Seeking knowledge by reading, listening and watching. This is something that is required of every Muslim. 

6 – Filling one’s time with acts of worship and obedience, and that which will be of benefit in one's spiritual and worldly affairs. 

7 – Shunning bad company and looking for righteous friends to stay close to and benefit from their knowledge and good attitude. 

8 – Seeking to get married straight away, to satisfy one’s desires in a permissible manner. 

9 – Seeking the help of Allaah by calling upon Him and asking Him to save him from this sickness and calamity. 

10 – Thinking about those who have fallen into this haraam kind of love and what it has led to, such as insanity, sickness and apostasy – Allaah forbid.

For more information please see the answer to question no. 27176. 

And Allaah knows best.