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- 1O- SUMMARY OF RULINGS AND ETIQUETTES
OF SEXUAL RELATIONS
As AN OVERVIEW of the issues
that have been discussed in this book, the following is a summary of acts that
are Islamically recommended (mustahab), disliked (makrah) and
prohibited (haram):
RECOMMENDED ACTS
1)Engaging in sexual relations with correct intentions and
objectives in mind.
2)Approaching sexual relations with moderation.
3)Engaging in sex in a state of relaxation and temperamental
balance.
4)Preparing for sexual relations both psychologically and
physically.
5)Ensuring cleanliness and personal hygiene.
6)The wife adorning herself for her husband.
7)The wife exhibiting feminine traits in front of her husband.
8)The husband exhibiting affection towards his wife and preceding
sex with kind words.
9)Foreplay between the spouses before having sex.
10)Covering up copies of the
Qur'an and other Islamic literature during sexual relations.
11)Reciting the various supplications.
12)The husband waiting for the
wife to achieve sexual climax.
13)Being affectionate and
considerate towards one's spouse after sex.
14)Cleanliness after sexual
relations.
15)Having a ritual bath, or
performing a ritual ablution, or at the least washing one's private parts
before sleeping, eating or re-engaging in sexual relations.
PROHIBITED AND DISLIKED ACTS
1)The wife refusing to make herself sexually available for her
husband without a valid reason.
2)The husband depriving his wife of her right of sex without a valid
reason.
3)Sex during menstruation and post-natal bleeding.
4)The husband intentionally drinking his wife's milk [according to the
Hanafi School].
5)Using food during foreplay [disliked].
6)Using sex aids during foreplay [disliked, but in some cases prohibited].
7)Bondage and flogging.
8)Sexually provocative dancing accompanied by music.
9)Watching pornographic material for stimulation.
10)Cross-dressing.
11)Deriving sexual pleasure from urine and filth.
12)Public display of affection, and sex in front of others.
13)Couples taking intimate pictures of each other.
14)Fantasising about another person during sex.
15)Anal sex.
16)Oral sex [disliked when sexual fluids do not enter the mouth, and prohibited
when it involves sexual fluids entering the mouth].
17)Self-masturbation via phone-sex with one's spouse.
18)Revealing secrets of sexual relations to others.
a) It was mentioned earlier that all four Sunni Schools of
Islamic law agree that the emission of semen(many) with sexual desire
from a man, and ejaculatory fluid upon orgasm from a woman necessitates a ritual
bath (ghusl). As such, after having sex, one is in a state of major ritual impurity
(janaba) and is termed a junub. A junub is prevented from
praying, reciting or touching the Qur'an, entering a Mosque, and other forms of
worship until one purifies oneself. Allah Most High says:
" ... If you are in a
state of major impurity (janaba), cleanse yourself well [by taking a
bath]."
(Qur'an 5:6)
Sayyiduna Abu Hurayra (r) relates that the Messenger of Allah (sa) said:
"Beneath every hair is an
impurity (janaba), hence wash the hair [of the body] and clean the skin.
(Sunan al-Tirmidhi 106 & Sunan Abi Dawud 252)
Apart from the emission of
semen, major ritual impurity also comes about through penetration, with or
without ejaculation, necessitating a ritual bath. Once the head of the penis
enters the vagina, a ritual bath is necessary. In other words, emission of
semen and sex are both independent causes of major ritual impurity and both
necessitate the ritual bath. If semen is discharged without sex, but with
sexual desire, or sexual intercourse takes place without ejaculation, a ritual
bath is necessary in both situations.
In terms of sex without
ejaculation being a cause of Janaba, the following Prophetic narrations
are reported: Sayyiduna Abu Hurayra (r) relates that the Messenger of Allah (sa)said:
''When a man sits amidst four
parts [of the woman] and then exerts pressure on her, a ritual bath becomes
obligatory upon him." And in the hadith reported by the narrator Matar,
there is a further addition, "Even if he does not ejaculate."
(Sahih
al-Bukhari 287 and Sahih Muslim 348, the wording is of Muslim)
Sayyida 'A'isha (r) relates that the Messenger of Allah (sa)said:
''When the [man's] organ goes
beyond the [woman's] organ, a ritual bath becomes necessary."
(Sunan
al-Tirmidh'i 109 and Musnad Ahmad)
Amr ibn Shu'ayb relates from
his father, from his grandfather (r) that the Messenger of Allah (sa)said:
"When the two organs [of
the man and woman] meet, and the top part of the penis is hidden, a ritual bath
becomes necessary."
(Sunan Ibn Majah 611 and Musannaf Ibn Abi
Shayba 1:112)
Imam Nawawi states in his
commentary of the [first] hadith recorded by Muslim: 'The meaning of the hadith
is that the necessity to bathe is not restricted to the ejaculation of semen,
but rather, when the head of the penis becomes hidden into the vagina, a ritual
bath is necessary on the man and woman. There is no difference of opinion on
this today. Some of the Companions and those after them disagreed, but then a consensus
(ijma') was reached on what we just stated." (Al-Minhaj Sharh Sahih
Muslim P: 400)
In regards to the emission of
semen without sex being a cause of Janaba, the following Prophetic
narration is reported: Sayyiduna 'Ali (r) relates:
"I asked the Messenger of Allah
(sa)[through someone else] regarding pre-ejaculatory
fluid (madhy), so he said, "Upon the emission of pre-ejaculatory
fluid, a ritual ablution is obliged, and upon the emission of semen (many), a
ritual bath is obliged."
(Sunan al-Tirmidh'i 114, Sunan Ibn Majah
504 & others)
If a woman ejaculates, even
during sleep, by having an orgasm or achieving sexual climax, she too is
required to have a ritual bath. In this regard, the following Prophetic
narration is reported: Umm Salama, the mother of the believers (r) relates:
"Umm Sulaym, the wife of
Abu Talha, came to the Messenger of Allah (sa)and said, "O Messenger of Allah, surely, Allah is not shy from
the truth. Is it necessary for a woman to take a ritual bath after she has a
wet dream?" The Messenger of Allah (sa) replied, "Yes, if she notices a discharge."
(Sahih
al-Bukhar'i 278)
Imam Ibn Qudama states, 'The
emission of semen with force and desire necessitates a ritual bath for men and
women [i.e. orgasm], whether awake or asleep. This is the position of the
generality of the jurists, as Tirmidhi said, and we are not aware of any
disagreement on this." (Al-Mughn'i 1:197)
Thus, both spouses must ensure
that they take an obligatory ritual bath after having sex, even if there is no
ejaculation. If either of them achieves sexual climax and ejaculates, whether
during foreplay or sleep, they must also take a ritual bath. When taking a
bath, care must be taken that one's whole body is washed properly, ensuring
that water reaches parts of the body that are not washed easily. If the couple
is unaware of how to take a ritual bath properly, they must learn the Islamic
guidelines in this regard.
b) As regards to semen coming
out from the man after he has taken a ritual bath, according to the stronger
position within the Hanafi school and the position of other schools, sexual
gratification (shahwa) and forceful emission (dafq) of semen at
the time of it exiting the private parts are not conditions for the obligation
of a ritual bath, provided the initial cause was sexual climax, and not due to
lifting a heavy object etc. The condition of the initial cause being sexual
climax is specific to the Hanafi school.
According to the"Shafi’i
school, whenever semen exits, a ritual bath is obligatory, regardless of the
initial cause. Given this, the discharge of semen remaining in the passageway
after completing a ritual bath, requires another bath.
However, according to the Hanafi
school, if semen is discharged after urinating, sleeping or excessive walking,
it is not necessary to repeat the bath, as these movements are considered to
have cleaned the passageway and halted the dripping of all semen. As such, any
semen discharged after this is not attributed to the initial gratification and
is considered to have exited without sexual climax. However, a new ablution(wudu) is necessary, since something
has come out of the private parts. As for the prayers, they are valid because
they were performed in a state of purity, given that the bath was invalidated
after the prayer.
If a woman sees fluid exiting from her after taking a
ritual bath, then if she is confident that these are her own fluids, and not
those of the man, the ruling mentioned above applies. If, however, she is in
doubt, she does not need to repeat her bath or any prayers that she may have performed.
This is the position of the Hanafi school.
According to the Shafi’i
school, if she achieved orgasm during sex with her husband, it is obligatory
for her to repeat her bath. This is because her "achieving an orgasm"
is a strong indication that it is her own sexual fluid, and so it is necessary
for her to repeat the bath. However, if she did not achieve an orgasm, she does
not need to repeat her bath, but it does invalidate her ablution, because what
is exiting from her is her husband's semen and not her own fluid. (See: Al-Hidaya
1: 31, Radd al-Muhtar 1: 159-161 and Mughno al-Muhtaj 1: 117-118)
In light of all of this, it is
best for both spouses to make a habit of urinating before taking the obligatory
ritual bath. This will help avoid problems later on, Insha' Allah.
ISLAMIC TEACHINGS WITH regard
to sexual relations do not end at the termination of intercourse between the
spouses, they go much beyond that. The time after having sex, which could be
termed as "after play", is as important as foreplay and sex itself.
There are many important rulings and etiquettes that need to kept in mind in
this regard.
1)Being Affectionate
After achieving sexual climax,
both spouses should remain in their positions for a while before separating
from one another. Islam teaches couples to be considerate and compassionate to
one another at all times, and not only whilst having sex. A husband who is
insensitive and unresponsive after sex will appear to his wife as though his
interest in her is only in sexual gratification. As such, he should ensure that
there are kind and affectionate exchanges, even after having sex.
2)Cleanliness and Purification
After having sex, both spouses
should clean their genital areas with clean pieces of cloth or tissue. If they
had placed a sheet or cloth below them before having sex, which is recommended,
that may be used in cleaning themselves, otherwise a separate cloth may be
used.
Imam Ibn Qudama states in his Al-Mughn'i, "It is recommended (mustahab) for the wife to keep a piece of
cloth with her that her husband can use after having sex and wipe himself with
it, as Sayyida 'A'isha (r) said: "An astute woman should keep a piece of cloth with her. After her husband
has sex with her, she should give it to him, so that he may wipe himself and
she may wipe herself with it."(Al-Mughni" 8: 136)
Cleanliness after sex is of
utmost importance. Some Muslim couples are extremely negligent in this regard,
ignoring the fact that their bed-sheet and clothes may have become impure. It is strongly encouraged to lay a separate sheet of
clothing specifically for sex, which can be put in the washing afterwards. If
sexual fluids have come into contact with one's clothes or body parts, they must
be purified with water before praying, otherwise, one's prayer will be invalid.
The bedding should also be changed after having sex if sexual fluids have come
into contact with it.
Couples need to remember that
pre-ejaculatory fluid (madhy) is impure according to all the classical
scholars. Madhy is "A thin white fluid that exits without force
from a man or woman when sexually aroused but is not accompanied by an
ejaculation". It can often be released without one being aware of it, and is more
prevalent in women than men. Madhy only necessitates a ritual ablution (wudu) but is legally considered impure (najis), and so has to
be washed if one's body or clothing is affected by it. Imam Nawawi: states that
the whole Muslim Umma are in unanimous agreement that Madhy is
impure. (See: Hashiya al-Tahtawi 'ala Maraqi al-Falah P:100, Al-Majmil'
Sharh al-Muhadhdhab 2:395 & Al-Mughni 1:162)
As far as semen (many) is
concerned, it is defined with respect to men as "A thick white fluid that
gushes out with force from the penis causing it to slacken and reduce in
size." With respect to women, it is the thin and yellow ejaculatory fluid.
Many is the fluid with which Allah Most High Creates human beings. Allah
Most High says:
"Does man think that he
will be left unchecked? Was he not an ejaculated drop of semen (many)? Then
he became a clot of blood, then He [Allah] Created [him] and made [him]
perfect, and of him He made two sexes, male and female. Has He no power [then]
to give life to the dead?"
(Qur'an 75:36-40)
There is a difference of
opinion between classical scholars in regards to whether semen is impure or
not. The Hanafi and Maliki schools consider it impure and require it to be
cleansed from one's body and clothes. Conversely, the Shafi’i School and also
the Hanbali School [according to the more authentic position related from Imam
Ahmad] consider semen to be pure. However, all the Schools agree that the
emission of semen necessitates a ritual bath (ghush for both the man and
the woman. (Tahtaw'i 'ala Maraqi al-Falah P: 96 and Radd al-Muhtar: 312-314 for the Hanafi
School, Al-Majmu' Sharh al-Muhadhdhab 1:395-396 for the Shafi'i School, Al-Mughni
1:197 & 1:735 for the Hanball School, and Hashiya al-Dasuqi 'ala
'l-Sharh, al-Kabir 1:92 for the Maliki’ School
3)Urinating
It is recommended from a medical point of view to
urinate after having sex. This allows
the remaining drops of semen to
come out of one's system. One should avoid using exceedingly cold water when
washing the private parts, since this can be harmful. (See: Ihya' 'Ulum
al-Din with its commentary lthaf al-Sadat al-Mattaqin 6: 184, and Adab-e-Mubashrat
P:28)
