READ DISCLAIMER BEFORE PROCEEDING
- 11- ETIQUETTES AND FIQH OF THE FIRST NIGHT
OF MARRIAGE
THE FIRST NIGHT of marriage (laylat
al-zufaf) is probably the most important night of a couple's marital life. Failing
to observe correct moral ethics and etiquettes in this night can have a
long-lasting negative impact on one's spouse, since the first impression is
often a lasting impression.
Both spouses will be starting a
completely new chapter in their lives, not knowing what the future holds for
them. Naturally, they will be nervous, apprehensive and anxious. At the same
time, they will be excited and eager to get to know one another and start their
marital life with bliss. In an ideal situation, both will almost be strangers
to each other, having had no intimate contact previously. As such, bashfulness and
a feeling of strangeness is to be expected.
In such circumstances, it is
extremely important for both the husband and wife to try their utmost to make
matters easy for one another. They should treat each other with extreme
gentleness, compassion and tenderness. The wife will naturally be more nervous,
bashful and even fearful, hence the husband has added responsibilities to play
his role of a husband on the first night. He should ensure that she feels at
ease by creating a friendly and courteous atmosphere. He should be kind and extremely
gentle with her by engaging in light-hearted conversation.
1) Greeting with Salam and Reciting the Du' a
When the newly married couple
enter the bedroom, after greeting one another with the traditional Islamic
greeting "Assalamu 'Alaykum Wa Rahmatullah Wa Barakatuh" (may
the peace of Allah descend upon you and His Mercy and Blessings), the husband
should place his hand on his wife's forelock (front part of the head) and
recite the following supplication:
Transliteration:
Allahumma inni as'aluka
khayraha wa khayra ma jabaltaha 'alayhi a'udhu bika min sharriha wa sham mil
jabaltaha 'alayh.
Translation:
"O Allah! I ask from you
the good of her and the good with which you have created her, and I seek refuge
with you from the evil in her and the evil with which you have created
her."
(Sunan Abi Dawud 2153, Sunan Ibn Majah 1918 and
others,
the wording of the Du'a is from Sunan Abi Dawud)
Although, this supplication (du'a
is addressed to the man, it implicitly includes the woman also. Any Du'a
which refers to women in a specific way can also be inverted to refer to
men. As such, the wife may also recite the supplication when she sees
her husband for the first time, but the wording will be slightly changed to
accommodate the male gender, as follows:
Transliteration:
Allahumma inni as'aluka
khayrahu wa khayra mil jabaltahu 'alayhi wa a'udhu bika min sharrihi wa sharri
mil jabaltahu 'alayh.
Translation:
"O Allah! I ask from you
the good of him and the good with which you have created him, and I seek refuge
with you from the evil in him and the evil with which you have created
him." (See: Radiant Prayers by Mufti Taqi Uthmani P: 64)
The reason behind this
supplication is that all human beings, with the exception of the Prophets
(peace be upon them), are prone to the whisperings of the Devil and have a
propensity for evil, and so the couple are encouraged to pray for the good in
each other and seek protection from each other's evil. It certainly does not mean that one's spouse is evil,
but rather, this supplication refers to the possibility of evil in one's
spouse, be that the husband or wife.
2) Offering Prayers
Abu Wa'il relates that a man
once came to Sayyiduna 'Abdullah ibn Mas'ad (r) and said, "I married a woman, but I fear discord [between
us]. He replied, ''When you bring her to you, offer two Rak'ats of prayer [and
in another variation he said, ''When you enter upon her, ask her to offer two
Rak'ats behind you] and then say, "O Allah! Bless my family for me, and
bless me for my family. O Allah! Unite us with good, and separate us, if you
do, with good." (Tabarani in his Al-Mu'jam al-Kabir 9: 204, and
'Abd al-Razzaq in his Al-Musannaf 6:83)
In this way, the couple should
first perform two Rak'ats of prayer, preferably in congregation, with
combined intentions of night vigil prayer (tahajjud), thanks-giving
prayer (shukr) and prayer of need (haja). If the couple is in need
of renewing their ablution, they must first perform the ritual ablution. After
the prayer, they should praise Allah Most High and send
blessings on His Messenger (sa) and thank Allah for blessing them with this great gift of
marriage. They should ask Allah to bless their union with goodness, prosperity,
mutual love and the birth of pious offspring. Remember, the best of
supplications are those that are made from the heart, out of neediness, with
recognition of one's standing as a slave of Allah.
3) Light-hearted Discussion
After praying and making Du'
a, the couple should try to get to know each other more closely and assess
each other's feelings by initiating a light-hearted discussion. It is
recommended that they first engage themselves in some religious talk such as
discussing the aims and objectives of marriage in Islam. They should make a
firm resolution of living their lives in accordance with Islamic teachings and
always to obey Allah Most High and His beloved Messenger (sa). They may even read some Islamic literature together,
if they so wish. The husband should regard this moment as an opportunity to
show his consideration for his wife's tender feelings, and treat her with love,
affection and warmth. The wife, in turn, should not play "hard-to-get"
but respond to his tenderness with love and compassion of her own.
4) Sexual Relations
It is important to note that
engaging in sexual relations on the first night is not necessary. The husband
should not hasten in taking his wife's virginity, but rather he should approach
the matter with extreme calmness, even if it takes a few days. The newly
married couple have all their lives before them for sexual relations, and there
is no need to make haste in this regard. Much of the time during the first
night should be spent in getting to know one another, sharing each other's outlook
on life and how their marital life should be lived in accordance with Islamic
teachings. They may, however, begin to be intimate with one another, if they
feel comfortable.
If intimacy does lead to sexual
relations and actual sex, then the husband needs to be extremely gentle during
penetration. A virgin undergoes considerable anxiety and pain during sex, and
the husband must keep this in mind. Scholars mention that a husband's inability
to penetrate on the first night is not a sign of his weakness or sexual impotency,
since it is natural for men to be bashful or anxious on the
first night, affecting their sexual potency. The couple may try on another occasion, and it may even take a few
days. Both spouses will need to approach this delicate issue with forbearance
and tolerance, helping one another in making matters as easy as possible. (Usul
alMu'ashara al-Zawjiyya P: 69)
Likewise, the husband should
not expect his wife to respond fully to his sexual advances on the first night. A woman is
more bashful than a man and will naturally be reserved in her response. The
husband should take one step at a time, and the wife should respond to him in
each step that he takes, eventually leading to full sexual relations. (Ibid)
5) Evil Suspicions
One extremely important point
of caution for the husband is never to doubt his wife or have evil suspicions
if it appears that she is not a virgin. Baseless suspicions and evil thoughts
about others are categorically forbidden in Islam and a major sin. Allah Most
High Says:
"O you who believe!
Abstain from much suspicion. Some suspicions are sins ... "
(Qur'an: 49:12)
A woman's hymen, the fold of
tissue that partly covers the entrance to the vagina of a virgin, can be broken
in many ways, including heavy menstrual flow, prolonged illness, falling,
jumping excessively, horse riding, cycling and certain sporting activities. In
fact, in the Hanafi School, a woman is considered an "effective virgin"
if people consider her a virgin, even though she may have had sex in the past
without this being presently known about her. This is because virginity is
something of great social weight in Islamic society, and to stain her honour
for a past sin, from which the woman has presumably repented, would be wrong. (Radd
al-Muhtar)
If the first night is spent in
accordance with the above guidelines, it will serve as a perfect start to a
blissful and happy life of marriage, Insha 'Allah.
To Be Continued....
