READ DISCLAIMER BEFORE PROCEEDING
As far as specific positions
are concerned, books written on sexual etiquettes mention the following:
a)
The Man-on-top Position
The man being on top is the
most common and natural sexual position. One form of this is when the wife lies
on her back with her legs spread, while the husband lies flat over her in a
manner that he covers her body with his. In this position, however, the husband
should take care of not forcing all of his weight on his wife, since this can
be uncomfortable for her. He may support some or all of his weight on his
elbows, hands or knees.
Scholars state that a subtle
indication of this position can be found in the Qur'an. Allah Most High says:
"It is He Who created you
from a single soul, and out of him created his wife, in order that he may find
comfort in her. So when he covers her with himself, she bears a light burden
and carries it about. Thereafter, when she grows heavy, they both pray to
Allah, their Lord, [saying] "If you bless us with a perfect child, we
shall be grateful." But when We bless them with a perfect child, they
ascribe partners to Him in what He blessed them with. Indeed Allah is much
higher than what they associate with Him."
(Qur'an 7:189-190)
This verse refers to the
creation of Sayyiduna Adam and Sayyida Hawa' (peace be upon them). It also discloses the mindset of the infidels from
their progeny, in that when one of them has sex with his wife by covering her
completely and she conceives a child, they ask Allah to bless them with a sound
and perfect child, but when the child is born, they ascribe it to their
invented deities. (See: The Meanings of the Noble Qur'an 1:315)
The expression in the verse
"When he covers her with himself'' indicates the position of the husband
lying over his wife, covering her completely with his body. In a similar
position, the wife lies on her back with her legs drawn up toward her chest and
her knees raised high, while the husband enters her in almost a sitting or
squatting posture.
This position has been
implicitly mentioned in the following hadith: Sayyiduna Abu Hurayra (r) relates that the Messenger of Allah (sa) said:
''When a man sits amidst her
[i.e. the wife] four parts and then exerts pressure on her, a ritual bath (ghus[)
becomes obligatory upon him."
(Sahih Muslim 348)
Imam N awawi states, "The
scholars have disagreed about the intended meaning of the "four parts (shu'ab
al-arba') ". Some said that it means the arms and the legs, while
others have said that it refers to the legs and thighs, and others said it
means the legs and the edge of the pubic area. Qadi 'Iyad chose the meaning of
the four areas surrounding the vagina [ ... ]." (Al-Minhaj Sharh Sahih Muslim P: 400)
As such, one of the
interpretations of the "four parts" is the woman's legs and thighs.
This seems to refer to the position in which the wife, while on her back, folds
her knees and the husband enters her in almost a sitting posture, so that her
thighs and calves form the "four parts".
There are many other forms of
the man-on-top position, mostly with minor differences. Scholars and experts
alike mention that the man-on-top position is the most effective in terms of
the wife conceiving. It also allows a great deal of body contact, and the spouses are able
to kiss and embrace each other at the same time. (Al-Tibb al-Nabawi P: 182)
b)
The Rear-entry Position
This is when the husband enters
the wife when she has her back to him. This position was explicitly allowed in
some of the hadiths cited earlier. In one narration the expression used to
describe the wife is "mujabbat" which basically means she is
facing down in a posture of prostration. The wife may also get on her hands and
knees whilst her husband kneels behind her. There is no doubt in the
permissibility of this position.
It should be remembered, however, that the rear-entry
position is not anal sex, as discussed earlier. In the rear-entry position the
husband enters the vagina when the wife has her back to him, whilst in anal sex
the husband enters her anus, which is completely forbidden in Islam.
c)
The Side-by-side Position
In this position, the spouses
lie on their sides facing each other, or they lie on their sides and the
husband enters the vagina from behind. This position is also unquestionably permitted,
and convenient during later stages of pregnancy to accommodate the woman's
belly.
d)
The Standing Position
The great jurist (faq'ih) of
recent times in the Indian Subcontinent, Mawlana Ashraf 'Ali Thanawi, in
response to a question about the permissibility of showering while standing up,
states that the Qur'anic exegetes have generalised the implication of the
Qur'anic verse "So approach your tillage from where you wish" to
include the sitting and standing positions. So to take a shower standing up is
even more worthy of being permitted, for it is lighter than having sex. [In
other words, when sex with one's spouse is permitted in a standing position,
then taking a shower in such a state would without doubt be permitted]. (lmdad
al-Fatawa 1:
18)
It is permitted to have sex in a standing position,
whether both spouses stand or just one of them. Both spouses may face each other
or the wife can have her back towards her husband with him entering from behind
into the vagina.
Having said that, both scholars
and experts caution against having sex regularly in a standing position, as it
may be harmful medically. Although there is not enough medical evidence to
prove this, but theoretically, there is a risk of increased back pain,
sciatica, vaginal and rectal prolapse. This is only from a medical point of
view. As far as the Islamic ruling is concerned, the standing
position is permitted, as stated earlier.
e)
The Sitting Position
Engaging in sexual relations
with one's spouse in a sitting position is also perfectly allowed in light
of the Qur'anic verse: "So approach your tillage from where you wish."
f)
The Woman-on-top Position
Islamically, the sexual
position where the wife is on top of her husband is also permitted due to the
general purport of the Qur'anic verse quoted more than once in this book. This
includes the husband lying on his back whilst the wife sits on top of him or
she lies with her whole body over his.
However, scholars and experts
state that the woman-on-top position is unhealthy and harmful. Imam Ibn
al-Qayyim explains in his Al-Tibb al-Nabawi that when the wife is on
top, the husband's sperm can be impeded from fully exiting, which may harm him.
It is also possible for the wife's fluids to enter the
husband's sexual organ resulting in him being inflicted with illnesses. (Al-Tibb
al-Nabawi P: 18 3)
Once again, this is all from a
medical point of view, and medical opinions can change over time. As such, it would be worthwhile for couples intending
to have sex in such positions to take sound medical advice and act accordingly.
Finally, there is nothing wrong
with the couple changing their positions, even if many, times, during one
sexual encounter. Furthermore, diversity and versatility in sexual positions
does not contradict religious propriety, decorum and decency. It is wrong to assume that such behaviour is a sign of
lack of modesty, for Allah Most High Himself has permitted legally married
couples to engage in various sexual positions without restriction. As such, couples need not feel guilty or uneasy in this
regard.
7) Fantasising
Fantasising of another person
in a sexual way during sexual relations with one's own spouse is unlawful (haram)
and sinful. It is a form of fornication (zina) of the heart and mind
to deliberately fantasise about sexual relationships with other than one's
spouse. Allah Most High says:
"Surely the hearing, the
sight and the heart - each one of them shall be enquired into."
(Qur'an 17:36)
Sayyiduna Abu Hurayra (r) relates that the Messenger of Allah (sa) said:
" ... The fornication (zina') of the eyes is the lustful look
and the fornication of the ears is to listen [to unlawful things] and the
fornication of the tongue is to talk [about unlawful things] and the
fornication of the hand is to touch [unlawful things] and the fornication of
the feet is to walk [to the place of sin] and the heart yearns and desires, and
the sexual organs then either testify this or deny it."
(Sahih al-Bukhar'i 5889 and Sahih Muslim 2657, the wording is of Muslim)
Imam Nawawi states, in the
commentary of this hadith, that some people are involved in actual fornication (zina' haqiqiyya) by making their sexual organs
meet, whilst others are involved in metaphorical fornication (zina' majaziyya), by casting unlawful gazes,
listening to unlawful things, touching the hand and body or kissing a
non-related person of the opposite gender, walking to a place of fornication, unlawful
conversation with a non-related person of the opposite gender or fornicating
with the heart and mind. (See: Al-Minhaj Sharh Sah'ih Muslim P: 1880)
The jurists also explicitly
prohibit fantasising about someone else during sex with one's spouse. Imam Ibn
'Abidin states in his R.add alMuhtar. "If one has sex with one's wife, while thinking
about a strange woman to the point that he thinks he is having sex with her [
... ], Ibn al-Hajj al-Maliki said, "It is unlawful, because it is a form
of fornication. Our scholars [the Malikis] hold that for someone to take a
glass of water and drink from it, believing it is wine, then that water will
become unlawful for him to drink." [ ... ] And the principles of our
school [i.e. the Hanafi School] would also indicate its impermissibility,
because thinking about a strange woman during sex is to actively think about sinning,
and is therefore similar to the example of drinking water. Then I saw the
author of Tabyin al-Maharim from our [Hanafi] scholars quoting Ibn al-Hajj
al-Maliki and agreeing with him." (Radd al-Muhtar 6:372)
As far as role-playing is concerned, during which a
couple act out a fantasy involving dressing up as specific characters, a
teacher, pupil, doctor, nurse, patient, boss and secretary, and so on, if this
is done with someone specific in mind, then it is unquestionably unlawful as
stated earlier. If a fantasy role is acted out without someone specific in
mind, then this too is not permitted, for one will be fantasising about having sex
with a stranger who is a doctor or a nurse. If the thought is that one's spouse
has taken the role of that character, such as pretending that one's husband is
a doctor, then this is also best avoided although not completely unlawful,
since it could easily lead into thinking that one's spouse is someone else,
resulting in fornication of the heart and mind. Couples should be happy and
content with their partners for who they are and what they are. Dressing up to
become someone they are not can be a very dangerous game and is ultimately
detrimental to the marital relationship.
8) Orgasm and Sexual Climax
Among the obligatory rights of marriage
is that each spouse's sexual needs are fulfilled through the other. In this
regard, it is of utmost importance that the husband discharges this right of
his wife when having sex with her, and only fulfils himself after she has
achieved fulfilment, given that women generally take longer reaching an orgasm.
The husband should hold back
from ejaculating until his wife is fully satisfied and achieves sexual
fulfilment. If he achieves climax before her, he should not withdraw until she
has an orgasm and achieves sexual climax. This is absolutely essential for the
well-being of one's marriage, and failing to give this due importance can
result in the wife becoming frustrated and in having animosity in her heart for
her husband. It can lead to disputes and
argumentation between the spouses and, in some cases, even to divorce. A husband who is
solely concerned about his own satisfaction is selfish and must change his ways
and give consideration to his wife's needs.
Imam Ibn Qudama states: "It is recommended (mustahab) for
the husband to engage in foreplay with his wife before actual sex in order that
her sexual desire is aroused so that she experiences the same pleasure from sex
that he experiences [ ... ] If he was to climax before her, then it is disliked
(makruh) for him to withdraw before she achieves sexual climax, because
of what Anas ibn Malik (r) related that the Messenger of Allah (sa) said,
''When a man has sex with his
wife, he should strive to satisfy her. Then when he fulfils his need, he should
not hurry [in withdrawing] until she fulfils her need." [Recorded by Aba
Ya'la al-Mawsili in his Musnad 4201]
And also because in it
[withdrawing prematurely], there is harm upon her and preventing her from
fulfilling her sexual need." (Al-Mughni 8: 136)
Imam Ghazali in his Ihya"
Ulilm al-Din and the commentator of his Ihya', 'Allama Murtaqa'
al-Zabidi in his commentary Ithaf al-Sadat alMuttaqin both explain that
after achieving sexual climax, the husband should wait for his wife to also
achieve climax, since sometimes she may be delayed in having an orgasm. For the
husband to withdraw from her in such a state will harm her and may be a cause
for her to hate him. Of course, if he knows that she has had an orgasm, then
there is no need for him to wait.
They further state that the
husband achieving sexual climax before the wife causes hatred and dislike in her
heart, and that climaxing together is the most pleasurable and satisfying for
her, because in this way she will not be shy from having an orgasm, since her
husband is also occupied with his own sexual climax. However, climaxing
together is rare. It is not problematic for the wife to reach orgasm before her husband,
as the most that will occur in this situation is that she will be fatigued and
feel the weight of her husband over her, but it will be easy for her to
exercise patience (sabr) with this, contrary to when the husband withdraws before she has
an orgasm, as this is detrimental and harmful for her. (See: Ithaf al-Sadat
al-Muttaqin bi Sharh Ihya'' Ulum al-Din 6: 1 76)
In light of this, it can be
said that it is best for the spouses to try and achieve sexual climax together,
as that is most satisfying for both. If this is not possible, then the husband
should wait and allow his wife to have an orgasm before he ejaculates himself.
He should try his best to avoid ejaculating before she has an orgasm, and if he
was to ejaculate before her due to not being able to control himself, then he
should not withdraw until she achieves sexual satisfaction.
A problem faced by some men is
premature ejaculation which is to climax too early. Some husbands ejaculate as
soon as they enter their wives, and some even before that, during foreplay.
This can be troublesome and problematic for both spouses, since they would love
to prolong their session of intimacy before achieving climax. In order to delay his ejaculation, the husband
should do the following:
a) Avoid having his sexual
organ stroked or caressed during foreplay. The less contact made between his
sexual organ and the wife's body, the easier it will be for him to control
himself.
b) When having sex, divert his
attention to something else, so that it helps him control himself.
c) Both spouses should avoid
excessive movement during the actual act of sex, because excessive movement
will result in him ejaculating early. (See: Usul al-Mu'ashara al-Zawjiyya P:
71-7 2)
d) 'AlHima Murtaqa' al-Zabidi
states in his commentary of the Ihya that the most beneficial remedy for
someone affected by premature ejaculation is to avoid having sex before
foreplay. He should sexually arouse his wife by playing around with her, kissing
her, stroking her breasts, embracing her and the like. Then, when he sees that
her colour has changed and her eyes have
become red [out of desire for him], and he feels that she is ready, prepared,
and desirous of him, only then should he initiate sexual intercourse. (See: lthaf
al-Sadat al-Muttaqin bi Sharh Ihya" Ulum al-Din 6:176)
9) Du'a when Ejaculating
It is recommended for both spouses to recite the
following supplication (du' a) in their hearts at the time of
ejaculation, as was the practice of Sayyiduna 'Abdullah ibn Mas'ud (r) :
Allahumma la taj’alli ash-shaytani
fima razaqtana nasiban
O Allah! Do not grant the Satan
a share in what [children] You bless us with
(Related by Imam Ibn Abi Shayba
in his Al-Musannaf fi'l-Ahadith wa'l-Athar 3:402).
Shaykh Mufti Taqi Uthmani
states in his book Radiant Prayers after recording this supplication:
"From these two prayers [i.e. the supplication before commencing sex and
the supplication at the time of ejaculating], it can be deduced that exactly at
the time when one is busy gratifying one's carnal desires and engaged in an act
even the mention of which is considered a matter of shame, one has been taught to
keep one's relationship with Allah Most High foremost in the mind, and not to
hesitate supplicating before Him. Thus, what was a sensual act has been turned
into an act of worship." (Radiant Prayers P: 65)
To Be Continued....
