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- 1O- SUMMARY OF RULINGS AND ETIQUETTES
OF SEXUAL RELATIONS
As AN OVERVIEW of the issues
that have been discussed in this book, the following is a summary of acts that
are Islamically recommended (mustahab), disliked (makrah) and
prohibited (haram):
RECOMMENDED ACTS
1)Engaging in sexual relations with correct intentions and
objectives in mind.
2)Approaching sexual relations with moderation.
3)Engaging in sex in a state of relaxation and temperamental
balance.
4)Preparing for sexual relations both psychologically and
physically.
5)Ensuring cleanliness and personal hygiene.
6)The wife adorning herself for her husband.
7)The wife exhibiting feminine traits in front of her husband.
8)The husband exhibiting affection towards his wife and preceding
sex with kind words.
9)Foreplay between the spouses before having sex.
10)Covering up copies of the
Qur'an and other Islamic literature during sexual relations.
11)Reciting the various supplications.
12)The husband waiting for the
wife to achieve sexual climax.
13)Being affectionate and
considerate towards one's spouse after sex.
14)Cleanliness after sexual
relations.
15)Having a ritual bath, or
performing a ritual ablution, or at the least washing one's private parts
before sleeping, eating or re-engaging in sexual relations.
PROHIBITED AND DISLIKED ACTS
1)The wife refusing to make herself sexually available for her
husband without a valid reason.
2)The husband depriving his wife of her right of sex without a valid
reason.
3)Sex during menstruation and post-natal bleeding.
4)The husband intentionally drinking his wife's milk [according to the
Hanafi School].
5)Using food during foreplay [disliked].
6)Using sex aids during foreplay [disliked, but in some cases prohibited].
7)Bondage and flogging.
8)Sexually provocative dancing accompanied by music.
9)Watching pornographic material for stimulation.
10)Cross-dressing.
11)Deriving sexual pleasure from urine and filth.
12)Public display of affection, and sex in front of others.
13)Couples taking intimate pictures of each other.
14)Fantasising about another person during sex.
15)Anal sex.
16)Oral sex [disliked when sexual fluids do not enter the mouth, and prohibited
when it involves sexual fluids entering the mouth].
17)Self-masturbation via phone-sex with one's spouse.
18)Revealing secrets of sexual relations to others.
The spread of pornography has
increased the prevalence of oral sex, and it is now commonly practiced by many
couples. Muslims are frequently asking about the Islamic viewpoint on oral sex.
Unfortunately, some people shy away from discussing this matter altogether,
while others regard any discussion of it to be offensive. Both these approaches are incorrect. In order to
ensure that one's sex life is in harmony with Islamic teachings, it is important
to discuss the Islamic perspective on oral sex in detail.
Oral sex is the use of the
mouth or the tongue to stimulate another person's genitals. Oral stimulation of
the male organ is called fellatio, whilst oral stimulation of the female
genitalia is known as cunnilingus. The term oral sex covers a wide range of
activities, from simply kissing the genitalia to the actual taking in and
swallowing of sexual fluids. As such, the Islamic ruling will depend on what
exactly is entailed by this term.
a) If oral sex entails
inserting the penis into the wife's mouth to the extent that she swallows or
takes impure or filthy substances such as semen (many) or
pre-ejaculatory fluid (madhy) into the mouth, or the husband placing
his mouth onto the wife's vagina to the point that he takes her discharge in
his mouth, then this is sinful. If there is fear of this, and this fear is at
the level of likelihood, then it is also impermissible.
It is unlawful to intentionally swallow filthy and
impure substances or to introduce them into the mouth. This includes all male
and female genital excretions and sexual fluids such as urine, pre-ejaculatory
fluid, semen and wady, a thick white, cloudy, fluid that exits either
before or after urinating. Even though semen is not considered impure according
to some scholars, for example the Shafi'is, contrary to the Hanafis, they
nevertheless hold its oral intake to be prohibited. As such, swallowing or
consuming all forms of sexual fluids of the wife or husband is forbidden.
Imam Nawawi of the Shafi’i
school states in his Al-Majmu': 'The correct well-known opinion is that
it is forbidden to consume semen because it is filthy (mustakhbath), [even
though not impure]. Allah Most High says: "
... And He (Allah Most High) makes unlawful for them filthy things (khaba'ith)
[Qur'an 7:157]."(Al-Majmu'
Sharh, al Muhadhdhab 2:397)
b) If oral sex is practiced and
all precautions are taken to prevent sexual fluids from entering the mouth, for
example if the couple are only gently kissing each other's genitalia without
any fear or likelihood of consuming sexual fluids, then it is permitted,
although disliked and improper. It may be considered as a form of foreplay, similar to kissing other
parts of the body and so permitted, but disliked, as placing one's mouth on
one's spouse's genitalia is against religious propriety.
The famous Hanafi Fiqh
reference work, Al-Fatawa al-Hindiyya, states: "If a man inserts
his penis into his wife's mouth, it has been said that it is disliked (makruh),
and others hold that it is not disliked." (Al Fatawa al-Hindiyya 5:372)
This clear passage in one of
the major Hanafi Fiqh reference works indicates that there is a scholarly
difference about the permissibility of a man inserting his penis into his
wife's mouth. According to some scholars it is disliked, whilst others permit
it. It should be remembered that both, those who allow it and those who consider it disliked, stipulate that
no sexual fluids enter the spouse's mouth as mentioned earlier. Normally, this
is difficult to avoid. Because of this, and because it is generally considered
contrary to the proper conduct of a Muslim, most contemporary scholars hold
this practice to be disliked, even if the transfer of sexual fluids is avoided.
The mouth is a noble part of
one's body and is the means of reciting the Qur'an, remembrance of Allah (dhikr)
and sending salutations on the blessed Messenger of Allah (sa) (Salawat). It follows, then, that it is offensive to
use it to stimulate the spouse's genitalia, and unlawful if filth enters the mouth.
Finally, if one's spouse
demands oral sex, it is not obligatory to consent to it, even if precautions are taken to avoid sexual fluids coming into
contact with the mouth. The wife is only obliged to make herself available for
sex, whilst the husband is required to have sex with her enough to maintain her
chastity.
3) Phone Sex with One's Spouse
Phone sex consists of sexual
conversations between two people over the telephone, with the objective of
arousing each other. The point of phone sex is to help the partner in achieving
an orgasm through masturbation. "Phone sex" is frequently put in
quotation marks because sex is usually associated with at least touching each
other. As for the Islamic ruling concerning married couples indulging in phone
sex, there are two situations:
a)If the objective is to arouse one's spouse and help them
masturbate to the point of having an orgasm, then this is not allowed.
Masturbation is prohibited and causes many personal and societal ills, and as
such, it is not permitted for either spouse to masturbate and play with
themselves during the course of a telephone conversation. It cannot be called mutual masturbation, since this
only occurs when satisfaction is gained through a part of one's spouse's body.
b)If during a phone conversation, the objective is not to
masturbate, but rather the spouses are merely intimate, then this is permitted.
There is nothing wrong in such intimate conversation taking place between the
spouses whether they are together or apart, provided one does not fear
masturbation or any other unlawful act. If masturbation is avoided, but one
experiences an orgasm by simply talking intimately with one's spouse, then this
also does not seem to fall within the ambit of unlawfulness, provided the
objective was not to masturbate or have an orgasm.
Foreplaycan take many forms,
and it is best left to the couple to discover what
stimulates them, since each couple is different. The prohibited acts, however,
must be avoided. Nevertheless, some general guidelines are presented here:
1) Kissing
a) Kissing one's spouse is an
essential part of foreplay and a Sunna of the Messenger of Allah (sa)Sayyida 'A'isha (r) relates that:
'The Messenger of Allah (sa)kissed one of his wives and then left for prayer
without performing ablution." Urwa [the narrator from 'A'isha] says,
"I asked 'A'isha, "It must have been you?" [Upon hearing this] 'A'isha
smiled."
(Sunan al-Tirmidhi 86, Sunan Abi Dawud 181 and Sunan
al-Nasa'i 170)
This hadith indicates that
kissing one's spouse is recommended, and it demonstrates the importance of
kissing one's wife whenever one enters or leaves the house. This was the Sunna
of the beloved Messenger of Allah (sa)and it is inappropriate for a man to leave his house without
greeting his wife affectionately with kisses or to return home questioning
first whether the food is ready, or whether someone had called!
Passionate kissing (or French
kissing) is also a Sunna of the Messenger of Allah (sa)Sayyida 'A'isha (r) relates that:
'The Messenger of Allah (sa)would kiss her whilst he was fasting, and he would
suck on her tongue."
(Sunan Ab'i Dawud 2378)
[Note that according to the Hanafi
and most other jurists, kissing one's spouse passionately to the point that it
results in the exchange of saliva invalidates one's fast, necessitating both a
make-up (qada) fast and expiation (kaffara). (Maraq'i al Falah, P:
667). As far as this hadith is concerned, in which the Messenger of Allah (sa) kissed his wife passionately whilst
fasting, scholars explain that, firstly, the Messenger of Allah (sa) would ensure not to swallow her
saliva. The sucking on the tongue was very restrained and not to the point
where saliva was exchanged and swallowed. Secondly, it is possible to interpret
it, so that sucking on the tongue is not connected to fasting. As such, the
meaning of the hadith is that the Messenger of Allah (sa) would kiss Sayyida
'A'isha (r) whilst he was fasting, and normally
when he kissed her, he would kiss her passionately and suck on her tongue (but
not necessarily whilst fasting). (See: Ibn Hajar al-Asqalani, Fath al-Bar'i 4:195
and Khalil Ahmad Saharanpuri, Badhi al-Majhud fihal Abi Dawud 11 :202-203)]
In this way, both spouses
should kiss each other passionately during foreplay, and there is nothing wrong
if saliva is exchanged. Licking or sucking each other's tongues is not only
allowed, but a Sunna of the beloved of Allah (sa). One may also suck the lower or upper lip of one's spouse. Biting
softly on the lip is also allowed, provided the spouse is not hurt or harmed by
it.
b) Kissing is not restricted to
the lips and mouth. One may also kiss other parts of the body such as the
cheeks, forehead, tip of the nose, behind the ear or suck on the earlobe, the
eyelid, back of the neck, palm of the hand, fingers, wrist, forearm, waist,
stomach, navel, chest and breast, spine, behind the knees, thighs and the leg.
In other words, it is permitted to shower one's spouse with kisses all over.
Just as kissing these body parts is permitted, it is likewise allowed to lick
them.
As for the area close to the
genitalia, one must ensure that no impurity comes into contact with the mouth,
since consuming impurities is explicitly forbidden. It is best to avoid getting
too close to the genital area with the mouth. This will be explained in more
detail in the section pertaining to "oral sex" Insha' Allah.
c) Biting or sucking hard on
one's spouse's body can leave marks, or love bites, particularly on the neck.
These bruises are the result of burst blood vessels beneath the skin and last
between 4 to 5 days, depending on the individual.
From an Islamic perspective,
public display of affection is not permitted. Likewise, anything that hints at
a sexual encounter is frowned upon. Islam emphasises modesty and dignity, and
prohibits acts that could lead to immorality.
Sayyiduna 'Abdullah ibn 'Umar (r) relates that the Messenger of Allah (sa)passed by a man of the Ansar who was reprimanding his brother
regarding shyness (haya), so the Messenger of Allah (sa)said:
"Leave him, for modesty is
from faith (iman)." (Sahih al-Bukhari 24)
Sayyiduna Abu Sa'id al-Khudri (r) relates that the Messenger of Allah (sa)said:
"The most evil of people
in the sight of Allah on the Day of Judgment is the man who has sex with his
wife and she has sex with him, then he reveals her secret."
(Sahih
Muslim 1437)
Based on this, if a love bite
is left on a part of the body that is normally covered, such as the stomach or
back, then this is permitted. However, leaving a mark on an exposed area so
that people can conclude what took place between the spouses is not permitted.
If a mark is left on the neck, proper care must be taken to cover it until the
mark disappears. It is contrary to Islam to show off that their spouse left a mark on
their body. This is unlawful behaviour.
d) Kissing, licking, sucking and
generally fondling the wife's breasts is not only permitted, but is one of the
most effective ways of sexually arousing her. As such, the husband should not
neglect this.
However, according to the Hanafi
School, contrary to some other Schools, a man is not permitted to drink his
wife's milk, and it is sinful to do so intentionally. Imam Haskafi states,
"It (milk) is a part of a human being and to make use of it without a real
need to do so is unlawful." (Radd al-Muhtar 3:211)
This indicates that deriving
benefit in any manner from a part of a human being without a genuine need is
unlawful. The baby's drinking of the mother's milk is an exception, based on
textual permission, due to the real need (darura) to do so. Consequently, if the wife has
milk in her breasts and it is feared that milk will enter the mouth, then the
husband should avoid sucking on them. Whilst sucking, if milk does enter the
mouth, it is necessary to spit it out straight away.
It is important to note that while it is unlawful to
drink one's wife's milk intentionally, one's marriage is not affected by it.
Some individuals mistakenly believe that drinking the wife's milk nullifies the
marriage. The rulings of suckling (raqa' a), which would entail the
woman becoming a foster-mother, apply only to children who are breastfed in the
period designated for it, and are of no significance after this. Sayyida 'A'isha
(r) relates:
"Once the Messenger of Allah
(sa)entered my house whilst a man was with me. He said,
"O 'A'isha! Who is this?" I replied, "My foster brother."
He said, "O 'A'isha! Be careful in determining who your foster-brother is,
for suckling is only valid if it takes place in the suckling period."
(Sahih
al-Bukhar'i 2504 & Sah'ih Muslim 1455, the wording is of Bukhar'i
)
Based on this hadith, all four Sunni
schools of Islamic law agree that suckling and milk given to an adult is of
no significance and does not establish anything. (Al-Mughni" 9:201-202)
Finally, the wife may also kiss
and suck on her husband's chest and nipples. There is no Shari'a restriction in
this regard.
e) The question of eating or licking
food off the spouse's body is often asked. There is no doubt that this practice
is contrary to Islamic etiquettes, morality and religious propriety. Food
should not be consumed directly with the mouth, but rather one should use one's
hand. In addition, there are many etiquettes and Sunnas related to
eating that cannot be fulfilled. Food is a blessing (ni’ma) from Allah Most High, and the Shari'a prescribes
many etiquettes when eating, such as uttering the name of Allah when starting,
thanking Allah when finished, eating what is directly in front of one, eating
with one's right hand, not eating whilst resting against something and so on.
As such, disrespecting food in any
way, including placing it on the body especially close to places that may be impure,
is contrary to Islamic teachings. One should avoid this practice altogether,
since there are many other ways of enjoying foreplay that are in accordance with the etiquettes and noble
manners of Islam.
