6. FOREPLAY - Islamic Guide To Sexual Relations

READ DISCLAIMER BEFORE PROCEEDING

-6- FOREPLAY

ONCE A COUPLE are psychologically and physically prepared and in the mood for sex, the union should begin with foreplay. Foreplay comprises all the sexual activity that precedes actual penetration. Verbal expressions of love and desire that the couple exchange between each other are included in this; however, this section will only examine the physical aspects of foreplay.

IMPORTANCE OF FOREPLAY

Engaging in foreplay is immensely important and a vital constituent of a happy marriage, and as a consequence, it should never be disregarded. Both spouses should take the means to arouse one another, as it will result in a more pleasurable union.

Although foreplay is important for both spouses, it is of greater importance for the husband to sexually arouse his wife before having sex. Women generally take longer to become fully sexually aroused. If the husband has sex with her when she is unprepared, he may fulfil his need, but not hers. This will result in the wife becoming frustrated and is detrimental to the marriage.

The husband should take his time in arousing his wife. Only when he sees that she is ready, prepared, and desirous of him, should he engage in having sex. It is egotism on the husband's part to fulfil his own sexual need and leave his wife unsatisfied and discontented. Husbands like this do not truly love their wives, but are only concerned about their own gratification.

The Messenger of Allah (sa) also encouraged foreplay between the spouses. Sayyiduna Jabir ibn 'Abdillah (r) relates:

"I was in the company of the Messenger of Allah (sa) in a battle ... The Messenger of Allah (sa) said [to me], "Did you marry?" I answered, ''Yes." He said, "A virgin or a non-virgin?" I said, "A non-virgin." He said, "Why not a virgin so that you may play with her and she may play with you? ... " 

(Sahih al-Bukhar'i 1991)

Imam Tirmidhi reports with his own chain of transmission to the Messenger of Allah (sa) that he said:

" ... Every game a Muslim plays is futile (batih except for archery, training one's horse and playing with one's wife, for they are from praiseworthy acts." ( Sunan al- Tirmidhi 1637, Sunan Ibn Majah 2 81 1 and Musnad Ahmad 17433, the wording is of Tirmidhi) 

[Note- This hadith does not in any way conclude that one should not marry non-virgins. The Messenger of Allah (sa) himself married many non-virgin women. His beloved first wife Sayyida Khadija (r) was not only a non-virgin, but much older than him too. As such, there is nothing wrong whatsoever Islamically in marrying non-virgin women and widows. In this hadith, the Messenger of Allah (sa) was addressing the issue from another angle. This is why, in the narration of Sahih Muslim (715), Sayyiduna Jabir (r) said to the Messenger of Allah (sa) "I have sisters; so I was afraid that she [a non-virgin woman] might come between me and them, whereupon he (sa) said, "Well and good, if that is so. A woman is married for her religion, her wealth and her beauty. So you should choose one with religion, may your hands cleave to dust." ]

Imam Ghazali in his Ihya' 'Ulum al-D'in and Imam Daylami in his Musnad al-Firdaws both record a narration on the authority of Sayyiduna Anas ibn Malik (r) that the Messenger of Allah (sa) is reported to have said,

"None of you should come onto his wife like an animal; but rather there should be between them a messenger. It was said, "What is the messenger O Prophet of Allah? He replied, "[Foreplay of] kissing and words." (Ithaf al-Sadat al-Muttaq'in bi Shari}, Ihya'' Ulum al-D'in 6:175, with a weak chain of transmission)

Imam Ibn al-Qayyim al-Jawziyya mentions that Sayyiduna Jabir ibn 'Abdillah (r) is reported to have said, ''The Messenger of Allah (sa) forbade from engaging in sex before foreplay." (Al-Tibb al-Nabawi 181, with a weak chain of transmission. Imam Ibn Qudama, the renowned Hanbali jurist, mentions a narration in which the Messenger of Allah (sa) is reported to have said,

"Do not begin intercourse until she has experienced desire like the desire you experience, lest you fulfil your desires before she does." (Al Mughni 8:136)

The above few narrations express the importance of foreplay between the spouses. Not only did the Messenger of Allah (sa) encourage foreplay, but he engaged in it with his wives, as it will become evident from some of the narrations mentioned later.

Imam Ibn al-Qayyim states that foreplay with the wife should precede sex - foreplay through kissing and sucking on her tongue, for the Messenger of Allah (sa) would engage in foreplay with his wife and kiss her. (Al-Tibb al-Nabawi P: 180)

Imam Munaw'i states, "Foreplay and passionate kissing before sex is an emphatic Sunna (sunna mu'akkada), and it is disliked (makruh) to do otherwise." (Fayd al-Qadir Sharh al-Jami' al-Saghir 5:115)

Some regard practices associated with foreplay to be inappropriate and contrary to religious propriety. For them, it is piety to abstain from these activities, but this is completely erroneous, for who can possibly be more pious, pure and God-fearing than the Messenger of Allah (sa)? Yet not only did he encourage foreplay, but he engaged in it with his wives. Abstinence from such activities is not a sign of piety, as there is no monasticism (rabbaniyya) in Islam. Islam is a practical religion which allows its followers to fulfil their sexual needs in a lawful manner.

FORMS OF FOREPLAY
1) Kissing

2) Massaging and Caressing

3) Body Contact

Source: Islamic Guide To Sexual Relations

To Be Continued....

Good Treatment and Seduction - Islamic Guide To Sexual Relations

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Preparation of the Husband

2)   Good Treatment and Seduction

A very important aspect of a husband's psychological preparation is preceding sexual relations with good treatment, kind words, playfulness and affection. Islam generally commands the husband to treat his wife honourably at all times, let alone when the couple intend on engaging in sexual relations. Allah Most High says:

"Live with them on a footing of kindness and equity. If you take a dislike to them it may be that you dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of good." 

(Qur'an 4:19)

The Messenger of Allah (sa) emphasised, both verbally and in action, the importance of treating one's wife kindly. Sayyiduna Abu Hurayra (r) relates that the Messenger of Allah (sa) said:

"The most perfect of believers in belief is the best of them in character. And the best of you are those who are the best to their women." (Sunan al-Tirmidh'i 1162 with a rigorously authenticated chain of transmission)

The Messenger of Allah (sa) was a living example of how a husband should treat his wife. He was extremely gentle and kind toward his wives, and treated them in an amicable manner. He was affectionate, humorous and considerate towards them. Many examples of the Messenger of Allah's (sa) treatment of his wives can be found in the books of Prophetic narrations. Sayyiduna 'Abdullah ibn Abbas (r) relates that the Messenger of Allah (s) said:

'The best among you is the one who is best to his family. And I am the best among you to my family."  

(Sunan Ibn Majah 1977)

As such, treating one's wife kindly is a general ruling of lslam, and is essential when one intends to have sexual relations. How a couple treat one another outside the bedroom will have a direct impact on their bedroom behaviour.

To set the scene, the husband should be gentle and affectionate, expressing his love for her with words that will seduce her. He should remember that women get "turned on" by what is said and the meaning behind the words. It is all about how his words make her feel. It's a set of actions, and every small thing the husband does matters, and will help contribute to a healthy sexual encounter.

There is a subtle indication of this in the Qur'an also. Allah Most High says:

''Your wives are tillage for you to cultivate. So approach your tillage from where you wish, but do some good act for yourselves beforehand; and fear Allah." 

(Qur'an 2:223)

Some exegetes of the Qur'an say that the phrase "but do some good act for yourselves beforehand" refers to the importance of things that come before sex itself, such as having a correct intention, reciting the appropriate Du'a, and foreplay in increasing interest and making the matter easier. (Tafsir Abi al-Sa'ud 1:223 and Tafsir al-Kasshaf 1:294)

In a hadith, the Messenger of Allah (sa) describes how disgraceful it is for a husband to treat his wife cruelly and then have sex with her. He (sa) said:" ... One of you beats his wife as he would beat a slave, and then he may have sex with her in the evening!" (Sahih al-Bukhan 4658 and Sahih Muslim2855, the wording is of Bukhari)

The Messenger of Allah (sa) is displaying astonishment at a man who mistreats his wife and then has the audacity to engage in sexual relations with her. This is why in another narration he said:

"How can one of you beat his wife like a stallion is beaten and then sleep with her?" (Sahih al-Bukhan 5695) In other words, how can a husband treat his wife harshly and aggressively and then expect her to be responsive to his sexual advances?

Muslim husbands really must take heed of this. Some men, outside of the bedroom, fail to treat their women with warmth and affection, but when it comes to sex, all of a sudden, they become caring and compassionate. Not only is this selfish, it also shows what the wife actually means to the husband.

The Sunna is to precede sexual relations with tenderness and affection. The husband should use the appropriate means to seduce his wife, through his words and actions. In this way, the wife will also be extremely receptive to his sexual advances.

Source: Islamic Guide To Sexual Relations

To Be Continued....

Islam’s teaching on response to abuse and mockery

Mockery is a disease from Jaahiliyyah

Allah The Almighty forbids us from mocking people as He Says (what means): {O you who have believed, let not a people ridicule [another] people; perhaps they may be better than them}[Quran 49:11] Adh-Dhahhaak said, 

This verse was revealed when members of the Banu Tameem delegation were mocking the poor Companions like ‘Ammaar, Khabbaab, Bilaal, Suhayb, Salmaan, and Saalim the slave of Abu Huthayfah, may Allah be pleased with all of them, because of their shabby clothes. But there are other opinions as well. It was said that this verse was revealed when ‘Ikrimah ibn Abu Jahl, may Allah be pleased with him, came to Madeenah as a Muslim and the people there would call him the ‘Son of the pharaoh of this Ummah’ whenever they saw him. So, he complained to the Prophet and this verse was revealed. It was also said that this verse was revealed when Thaabit, may Allah be pleased with him, ridiculed a man because of his mother in Jaahiliyyah [pre-Islamic ignorance] and the man was disgraced.

Commenting on this verse, Al-Qurtubi said, “Allah says here that those who believe in Him and in His Messenger should not ridicule other believers as they may be better than them. Also, women should not ridicule each other for the same reason.”

 

He also said, “Allah is referring here to all sorts of mockery in this prohibition for the believers. Hence, it is impermissible for any believer to mock another believer: either for being poor, or for a sin that he has committed, or for any other reason.”

 Al-Qurtubi added,

In general, no one should dare to ridicule another person even if that person was shabby, handicapped or inarticulate, for that person may be more sincere or may have a purer heart than the one who is not shabby or handicapped or inarticulate. In this case, ridiculing such a person would be despising someone whom Allah has honored. The righteous predecessors were keen on avoiding this to the extent that ‘Amr ibn Shurahbeel said, “If I saw a man suckling a goat and laughed at him, I would fear that I might end up doing the same thing.” It was reported that ‘Abdullaah ibn Mas’ood, may Allah be pleased with him, said that affliction depends on what a person says. Hence, he said that if he mocked a dog, he would fear that he would be turned into a dog.

In his commentary on the verse (which means): {But you took them in mockery to the point that they made you forget My remembrance, and you used to laugh at them}[Quran 23:110], Al-Qurtubi said that this verse is a warning against mocking, despising or ridiculing the weak and the needy to the point that it would make us forget remembering Allah and would thus keep us far from Him. In a Hadeeth on the authority of ‘Aa’ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, she said, “I said to the Prophet ‘It is enough for you that Safiyyah is such-and-such [meaning that she was short].’ The Prophet replied:‘You have said a word that could adulterate the water of the sea if it were mixed with it.’”She also said, “I once imitated a man before him [ridiculing him] and He said:‘I would never like to imitate anyone, even if I were to get such- and-such [a reward for it].’” [Abu Daawood and At-Tirmithi]

Another example is when Abu Tharr, may Allah be pleased with him, abused a man by calling his mother bad names, the Prophet, , said to him:“O Abu Tharr! Did you abuse him by calling his mother bad names? You still have some characteristics of Jaahiliyyah in you.”[Al-Bukhari]

In a Hadeeth on the authority of Umm Haani’, may Allah be pleased with her, the Prophet, , said about the verse (which means): {and commit in your meetings [every] evil} [Quran 29:29] that they used to despise and mock people. [Ahmad and At-Tirmithi]

The polytheists of Makkah like Abu Jahl, Al-Waleed ibn Al-Mugheerah and their likes would mock ‘Ammaar, Suhayb, Bilaal and other poor believers; hence, Allah The Almighty revealed the verse (which means): {Indeed, those who committed crimes used to laugh at those who believed.} [Quran 83:29]

It was said that ‘Ali, may Allah be pleased with him, was once walking with a number of Muslims and some hypocrites mocked them and they exchanged derisory glances. When they returned to their people, they said, “We have seen the bald one [i.e., ‘Ali, may Allah be pleased with him] today.” Hence, the above mentioned verse was revealed before ‘Ali, may Allah be pleased with him, reached the Prophet, to inform him of what had happened .

Sarcasm and Derision are Forms of Mockery

Sarcasm and derision are forms of mockery. An example of this is when one derides another for being poor, handicapped or for committing a sin. Moreover, calling people by offensive nicknames is another example of mockery. Al-Qurtubi said that calling people by offensive nicknames means calling them by names or attributes that they hate. Allah The Almighty generalized this rule and did not specify certain nicknames. It is impermissible for any Muslim to call his fellow brother by any nickname or any attribute that he hates. Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {O you who have believed, let not a people ridicule [another] people; perhaps they may be better than them.} [Quran 49:11]

There are several stories as to the revelation of this verse. Anas and Ibn Zayd, may Allah be pleased with them, said that the above mentioned verse was revealed when some of the wives of the Prophet, , ridiculed Safiyyah, may Allah be pleased with her, for being short. It was also said that this verse was revealed when ‘Aa’ishah, may Allah be pleased with her, indicated by her hand to the Prophet, , that Safiyyah, may Allah be pleased with her, was short. Moreover, ‘Ikrimah and Ibn ‘Abbaas, may Allah be pleased with them, said that this verse was revealed when Safiyyah bint Huyayy, may Allah be pleased with her, said: “O Messenger of Allah! The women ridicule me and say to me, ‘O Jew...’”All these examples show that calling people by offensive nicknames is a form of mockery. 

They were mentioned in the verse as a way of mentioning the specific cases after the general rule in order to emphasize its importance. The scorner is the person who harms people by his tongue, while the mocker is the one who winks with his eyes. Ibn Kaysaan said that the scorner is the one who hurts others with bad words, while the mocker is the one who points to others with his eyes, his head and his eyebrows.

The Difference Between Mocking and Ridiculing

There are two differences between them. The first is that ridiculing can be done by deeds or words, whereas, mocking is done only by deeds. The second is that ridiculing is usually preceded by an act that causes its doer to be an object of ridicule, while mocking is not preceded by such an act. Mocking is usually accompanied by words that are uttered with a bad intention. It occurs when the person seems to be serious while he conceals joking. As-Saffaareeni said,  

“Mocking people and ridiculing them are prohibited because Allah The Almighty Says (what means): {O you who have believed, let not a people ridicule [another] people; perhaps they may be better than them} [Quran 49:11] Moreover, the Prophet prohibited this in many Hadeeths.”

Ridicule and the Germs of Arrogance and Pride

Only those whose souls are impure because of arrogance and pride ridicule others. They endeavor to hurt others because of the feeling of superiority that runs in their diseased veins. Satan ridiculed Aadam (Adam), may Allah exalt his mention, and said, “I am better than him” and so he became a loser. Had he thought carefully of the characteristics of Aadam, may Allah exalt his mention, he would have realized that Aadam, may Allah exalt his mention, was superior to him. 

Mockery is one of the diseases of Jaahiliyyah that should be avoided, especially at times of conflict and disputes. It is one of the characteristics of the disbelievers and the hypocrites that leads to the disunity of the society. In fact, it is an overt violation of the Commands of Allah The Almighty, and it keeps one away from the pleasure of Allah. Moreover, it makes one forget to remember Allah and causes him to be inflicted with His punishment.

 

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