ETIQUETTES AND FIQH OF THE FIRST NIGHT OF MARRIAGE - Islamic Guide To Sexual Relations

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- 11- ETIQUETTES AND FIQH OF THE FIRST NIGHT OF MARRIAGE

THE FIRST NIGHT of marriage (laylat al-zufaf) is probably the most important night of a couple's marital life. Failing to observe correct moral ethics and etiquettes in this night can have a long-lasting negative impact on one's spouse, since the first impression is often a lasting impression.  

Both spouses will be starting a completely new chapter in their lives, not knowing what the future holds for them. Naturally, they will be nervous, apprehensive and anxious. At the same time, they will be excited and eager to get to know one another and start their marital life with bliss. In an ideal situation, both will almost be strangers to each other, having had no intimate contact previously. As such, bashfulness and a feeling of strangeness is to be expected.

In such circumstances, it is extremely important for both the husband and wife to try their utmost to make matters easy for one another. They should treat each other with extreme gentleness, compassion and tenderness. The wife will naturally be more nervous, bashful and even fearful, hence the husband has added responsibilities to play his role of a husband on the first night. He should ensure that she feels at ease by creating a friendly and courteous atmosphere. He should be kind and extremely gentle with her by engaging in light-hearted conversation.

1) Greeting with Salam and Reciting the Du' a

When the newly married couple enter the bedroom, after greeting one another with the traditional Islamic greeting "Assalamu 'Alaykum Wa Rahmatullah Wa Barakatuh" (may the peace of Allah descend upon you and His Mercy and Blessings), the husband should place his hand on his wife's forelock (front part of the head) and recite the following supplication:

Transliteration:

Allahumma inni as'aluka khayraha wa khayra ma jabaltaha 'alayhi a'udhu bika min sharriha wa sham mil jabaltaha 'alayh.

Translation:

"O Allah! I ask from you the good of her and the good with which you have created her, and I seek refuge with you from the evil in her and the evil with which you have created her."  

(Sunan Abi Dawud 2153, Sunan Ibn Majah 1918 and others, 

the wording of the Du'a is from Sunan Abi Dawud)

Although, this supplication (du'a is addressed to the man, it implicitly includes the woman also. Any Du'a which refers to women in a specific way can also be inverted to refer to men. As such, the wife may also recite the supplication when she sees her husband for the first time, but the wording will be slightly changed to accommodate the male gender, as follows:

Transliteration:

Allahumma inni as'aluka khayrahu wa khayra mil jabaltahu 'alayhi wa a'udhu bika min sharrihi wa sharri mil jabaltahu 'alayh.

Translation:

"O Allah! I ask from you the good of him and the good with which you have created him, and I seek refuge with you from the evil in him and the evil with which you have created him." (See: Radiant Prayers by Mufti Taqi Uthmani P: 64)

The reason behind this supplication is that all human beings, with the exception of the Prophets (peace be upon them), are prone to the whisperings of the Devil and have a propensity for evil, and so the couple are encouraged to pray for the good in each other and seek protection from each other's evil. It certainly does not mean that one's spouse is evil, but rather, this supplication refers to the possibility of evil in one's spouse, be that the husband or wife.

2) Offering Prayers

Abu Wa'il relates that a man once came to Sayyiduna 'Abdullah ibn Mas'ad (r) and said, "I married a woman, but I fear discord [between us]. He replied, ''When you bring her to you, offer two Rak'ats of prayer [and in another variation he said, ''When you enter upon her, ask her to offer two Rak'ats behind you] and then say, "O Allah! Bless my family for me, and bless me for my family. O Allah! Unite us with good, and separate us, if you do, with good." (Tabarani in his Al-Mu'jam al-Kabir 9: 204, and 'Abd al-Razzaq in his Al-Musannaf 6:83)

In this way, the couple should first perform two Rak'ats of prayer, preferably in congregation, with combined intentions of night vigil prayer (tahajjud), thanks-giving prayer (shukr) and prayer of need (haja). If the couple is in need of renewing their ablution, they must first perform the ritual ablution. After the prayer, they should praise Allah Most High and send blessings on His Messenger (sa) and thank Allah for blessing them with this great gift of marriage. They should ask Allah to bless their union with goodness, prosperity, mutual love and the birth of pious offspring. Remember, the best of supplications are those that are made from the heart, out of neediness, with recognition of one's standing as a slave of Allah.

3) Light-hearted Discussion

After praying and making Du' a, the couple should try to get to know each other more closely and assess each other's feelings by initiating a light-hearted discussion. It is recommended that they first engage themselves in some religious talk such as discussing the aims and objectives of marriage in Islam. They should make a firm resolution of living their lives in accordance with Islamic teachings and always to obey Allah Most High and His beloved Messenger (sa). They may even read some Islamic literature together, if they so wish. The husband should regard this moment as an opportunity to show his consideration for his wife's tender feelings, and treat her with love, affection and warmth. The wife, in turn, should not play "hard-to-get" but respond to his tenderness with love and compassion of her own.

4) Sexual Relations

It is important to note that engaging in sexual relations on the first night is not necessary. The husband should not hasten in taking his wife's virginity, but rather he should approach the matter with extreme calmness, even if it takes a few days. The newly married couple have all their lives before them for sexual relations, and there is no need to make haste in this regard. Much of the time during the first night should be spent in getting to know one another, sharing each other's outlook on life and how their marital life should be lived in accordance with Islamic teachings. They may, however, begin to be intimate with one another, if they feel comfortable.

If intimacy does lead to sexual relations and actual sex, then the husband needs to be extremely gentle during penetration. A virgin undergoes considerable anxiety and pain during sex, and the husband must keep this in mind. Scholars mention that a husband's inability to penetrate on the first night is not a sign of his weakness or sexual impotency, since it is natural for men to be bashful or anxious on the first night, affecting their sexual potency. The couple may try on another occasion, and it may even take a few days. Both spouses will need to approach this delicate issue with forbearance and tolerance, helping one another in making matters as easy as possible. (Usul al­Mu'ashara al-Zawjiyya P: 69)

Likewise, the husband should not expect his wife to respond fully to his sexual advances on the first night. A woman is more bashful than a man and will naturally be reserved in her response. The husband should take one step at a time, and the wife should respond to him in each step that he takes, eventually leading to full sexual relations. (Ibid)

5) Evil Suspicions

One extremely important point of caution for the husband is never to doubt his wife or have evil suspicions if it appears that she is not a virgin. Baseless suspicions and evil thoughts about others are categorically forbidden in Islam and a major sin. Allah Most High Says:

"O you who believe! Abstain from much suspicion. Some suspicions are sins ... "

(Qur'an: 49:12)

A woman's hymen, the fold of tissue that partly covers the entrance to the vagina of a virgin, can be broken in many ways, including heavy menstrual flow, prolonged illness, falling, jumping excessively, horse ­riding, cycling and certain sporting activities. In fact, in the Hanafi School, a woman is considered an "effective virgin" if people consider her a virgin, even though she may have had sex in the past without this being presently known about her. This is because virginity is something of great social weight in Islamic society, and to stain her honour for a past sin, from which the woman has presumably repented, would be wrong. (Radd al-Muhtar)

If the first night is spent in accordance with the above guidelines, it will serve as a perfect start to a blissful and happy life of marriage, Insha 'Allah.

Source: Islamic Guide To Sexual Relations

To Be Continued....

Ritual Bath (ghusl) - Islamic Guide To Sexual Relations

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1)   Ritual Bath (ghusl)

a) It was mentioned earlier that all four Sunni Schools of Islamic law agree that the emission of semen (many) with sexual desire from a man, and ejaculatory fluid upon orgasm from a woman necessitates a ritual bath (ghusl). As such, after having sex, one is in a state of major ritual impurity (janaba) and is termed a junub. A junub is prevented from praying, reciting or touching the Qur'an, entering a Mosque, and other forms of worship until one purifies oneself. Allah Most High says:

" ... If you are in a state of major impurity (janaba), cleanse yourself well [by taking a bath]."

(Qur'an 5:6)

Sayyiduna Abu Hurayra (r) relates that the Messenger of Allah (sa) said:

"Beneath every hair is an impurity (janaba), hence wash the hair [of the body] and clean the skin. 

(Sunan al-Tirmidhi 106 & Sunan Abi Dawud 252)

Apart from the emission of semen, major ritual impurity also comes about through penetration, with or without ejaculation, necessitating a ritual bath. Once the head of the penis enters the vagina, a ritual bath is necessary. In other words, emission of semen and sex are both independent causes of major ritual impurity and both necessitate the ritual bath. If semen is discharged without sex, but with sexual desire, or sexual intercourse takes place without ejaculation, a ritual bath is necessary in both situations.

In terms of sex without ejaculation being a cause of Janaba, the following Prophetic narrations are reported: Sayyiduna Abu Hurayra (r) relates that the Messenger of Allah (sa) said:

''When a man sits amidst four parts [of the woman] and then exerts pressure on her, a ritual bath becomes obligatory upon him." And in the hadith reported by the narrator Matar, there is a further addition, "Even if he does not ejaculate." 

(Sahih al-Bukhari 287 and Sahih Muslim 348, the wording is of Muslim)

Sayyida 'A'isha (r) relates that the Messenger of Allah (sa) said:

''When the [man's] organ goes beyond the [woman's] organ, a ritual bath becomes necessary." 

(Sunan al-Tirmidh'i 109 and  Musnad Ahmad)

Amr ibn Shu'ayb relates from his father, from his grandfather (r) that the Messenger of Allah (sa) said:

"When the two organs [of the man and woman] meet, and the top part of the penis is hidden, a ritual bath becomes necessary." 

(Sunan Ibn Majah 611 and Musannaf Ibn Abi Shayba 1:112)

Imam Nawawi states in his commentary of the [first] hadith recorded by Muslim: 'The meaning of the hadith is that the necessity to bathe is not restricted to the ejaculation of semen, but rather, when the head of the penis becomes hidden into the vagina, a ritual bath is necessary on the man and woman. There is no difference of opinion on this today. Some of the Companions and those after them disagreed, but then a consensus (ijma') was reached on what we just stated." (Al-Minhaj Sharh Sahih Muslim P: 400)

In regards to the emission of semen without sex being a cause of Janaba, the following Prophetic narration is reported: Sayyiduna 'Ali (r) relates:

"I asked the Messenger of Allah (sa) [through someone else] regarding pre-ejaculatory fluid (madhy), so he said, "Upon the emission of pre-ejaculatory fluid, a ritual ablution is obliged, and upon the emission of semen (many), a ritual bath is obliged."  

(Sunan al-Tirmidh'i 114, Sunan Ibn Majah 504 & others)

If a woman ejaculates, even during sleep, by having an orgasm or achieving sexual climax, she too is required to have a ritual bath. In this regard, the following Prophetic narration is reported: Umm Salama, the mother of the believers (r) relates:

"Umm Sulaym, the wife of Abu Talha, came to the Messenger of Allah (sa) and said, "O Messenger of Allah, surely, Allah is not shy from the truth. Is it necessary for a woman to take a ritual bath after she has a wet dream?" The Messenger of Allah (sa) replied, "Yes, if she notices a discharge."  

(Sahih al-Bukhar'i 278)

Imam Ibn Qudama states, 'The emission of semen with force and desire necessitates a ritual bath for men and women [i.e. orgasm], whether awake or asleep. This is the position of the generality of the jurists, as Tirmidhi said, and we are not aware of any disagreement on this." (Al-Mughn'i 1:197)

Thus, both spouses must ensure that they take an obligatory ritual bath after having sex, even if there is no ejaculation. If either of them achieves sexual climax and ejaculates, whether during foreplay or sleep, they must also take a ritual bath. When taking a bath, care must be taken that one's whole body is washed properly, ensuring that water reaches parts of the body that are not washed easily. If the couple is unaware of how to take a ritual bath properly, they must learn the Islamic guidelines in this regard.

b) As regards to semen coming out from the man after he has taken a ritual bath, according to the stronger position within the Hanafi school and the position of other schools, sexual gratification (shahwa) and forceful emission (dafq) of semen at the time of it exiting the private parts are not conditions for the obligation of a ritual bath, provided the initial cause was sexual climax, and not due to lifting a heavy object etc. The condition of the initial cause being sexual climax is specific to the Hanafi school.

According to the"Shafi’i school, whenever semen exits, a ritual bath is obligatory, regardless of the initial cause. Given this, the discharge of semen remaining in the passageway after completing a ritual bath, requires another bath.

However, according to the Hanafi school, if semen is discharged after urinating, sleeping or excessive walking, it is not necessary to repeat the bath, as these movements are considered to have cleaned the passageway and halted the dripping of all semen. As such, any semen discharged after this is not attributed to the initial gratification and is considered to have exited without sexual climax. However, a new ablution (wudu) is necessary, since something has come out of the private parts. As for the prayers, they are valid because they were performed in a state of purity, given that the bath was invalidated after the prayer.

If a woman sees fluid exiting from her after taking a ritual bath, then if she is confident that these are her own fluids, and not those of the man, the ruling mentioned above applies. If, however, she is in doubt, she does not need to repeat her bath or any prayers that she may have performed. This is the position of the Hanafi school.

According to the Shafi’i school, if she achieved orgasm during sex with her husband, it is obligatory for her to repeat her bath. This is because her "achieving an orgasm" is a strong indication that it is her own sexual fluid, and so it is necessary for her to repeat the bath. However, if she did not achieve an orgasm, she does not need to repeat her bath, but it does invalidate her ablution, because what is exiting from her is her husband's semen and not her own fluid. (See: Al-Hidaya 1: 31, Radd al-Muhtar 1: 159-161 and Mughno al-Muhtaj 1: 117-118)

In light of all of this, it is best for both spouses to make a habit of urinating before taking the obligatory ritual bath. This will help avoid problems later on, Insha' Allah.

Source: Islamic Guide To Sexual Relations

To Be Continued....

8. OTHER "FORMS" OF SEX - Islamic Guide To Sexual Relations

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-8- OTHER FORMS OF SEX

IN THE LAST few pages, matters relating to actual play have been discussed in considerable detail, from privacy up to ejaculation. There now remains certain other forms of sex, so it is important to understand the Islamic viewpoint on them.

1) Anal Sex

It was discussed earlier in the section on sexual positions that it is permitted for the couple to choose any position they like for sex, but subject to one condition, that it must be vaginal sex.

As far as anal sex is concerned, it is categorically forbidden in Islam and is a major sin by consensus because of the explicit texts clearly establishing this. There are also grave spiritual and established physical and psychological harms in anal sex. It is an unnatural and repulsive act that simply has no place in a Muslim's sex life. It is a practice of those whose nature has been distorted to prefer that which is filthy to that which is pure. Not only is anal sex sinful and harmful, it also violates the right of the wife, who is entitled to having offspring through vaginal sex with her spouse. Allah Most High says:

"They ask you concerning menstruation. Say: "It is an impurity. So keep away from women during menstruation; and do not approach them until they are cleansed. But when they are cleansed, then approach them from where Allah has commanded you. Surely Allah loves those who are most repenting, and loves those who keep themselves pure.

Your wives are tillage for you to cultivate. So approach your tillage from where you wish, but do some good act for yourselves beforehand; and fear Allah, and know that you are to meet Him, and give glad tidings to the believers."

(Qur'an 2: 222-223)

In the above verses, Allah Most High gives impurity as the reason for prohibiting sex during menstruation. Once a woman is cleansed from the impurity of blood, Allah Most High permits having sex with her but "from where Allah has commanded you" meaning in the vagina. This is further elucidated in the term "harth" used in the second verse. As vaginal sex is prohibited during menstruation because of temporary filth, being menstrual blood, then anal sex is undoubtedly unlawful since the anus is always polluted with filth.

Moreover, the term harth (tillage) indicates that it is only permissible to have sex with one's wife in the vagina, as this is the only route through which the seeds are cultivated, and not the anus, since it is a place of filth and impurity. (Al-Tibb al-Nabawi P: 187) 

The Messenger of Allah (sa) also emphatically prohibited anal sex in many hadiths.mSayyiduna 'Abdullah ibn Abbas (r). relates that the Messenger of Allah (sa) said:

"Allah shall not [even] look [with kindness] at any man who enters another man or a woman in the anus." (Sunan al-Tirmidhi 1165)

Sayyiduna Abu Hurayra (r) relates that the Messenger of Allah (sa) said:

"Cursed is he, who enters a woman in her anus." ( Sunan Abi Dawud 2155 and others)

The meaning of "being cursed (mal’un)" is that one is distant from Divine Mercy, and an object of Divine Dislike. The Messenger of Allah (sa) cursed certain matters so that we take heed and avoid them. Sayyiduna Khuzayma ibn Thabit (r) relates that the Messenger of Allah (sa) said:

"Allah is not ashamed of the truth [saying this thrice]. Do not enter women in their anuses." (Sunan Ibn Majah 1924, Musnad  Ahmad & others)

Sayyiduna Aba Hurayra (r) relates that the Messenger of Allah (sa) said:

"Allah shall not look [with kindness] at a man who enters his wife in the anus." (Sunan Ibn Majah 1923, Musnad Ahmad and others)

These, and many other, evidences are clear in the prohibition of anal sex even with one's own wife. This is in addition to the fact that anal sex causes undue pain and is a source of many diseases widespread in today's promiscuous society.

As such, it is unlawful and sinful for the husband to penetrate in his wife's anus. However, it is permitted for him, under normal circumstances, to touch the surrounding and outside area of the anus, even by rubbing his penis in between her buttocks or groin, as long as there is no penetration and as long as that area is not soiled with filth.

The husband is permitted to touch and caress any part of his wife's body which includes the area outside of the anus. This, however, is only permitted if he is certain of avoiding penetration, otherwise abstaining from that area altogether is necessary. (See: Mughni al-Muhtaj 3:181, Hashiya al-Dasuqi 'ala' 'l-Sharh al-Kabir 2:342 and Usul al-Mu'ashara al­Zawjiyya P: 82)

Source: Islamic Guide To Sexual Relations

To Be Continued....