Warning - Contents may have images/information that some viewers may find disturbing. Proceed with caution. One of the principles of sharee’ah (law) is that whatever leads to haraam deeds is itself haraam, so everything that leads to the provocation of haraam desires is haraam, because it may lead to a person falling into evil things. If you feel erotic while reading the post, please leave/close the page.
There are a million reasons why someone relapses, but
addiction specialists agree that avoiding triggers-the situations and
emotions that make drugs attractive-is half the battle. According to
Elizabeth Hartney, a leading addiction specialist, the top 5 reasons
that those struggling with addiction relapse are:
Stress: Stress is one of the top causes of relapse.
While one can’t avoid all forms of stress, making lifestyle,
relationship, and priority changes can help the recovering addict to
avoid situations that spark tension and other negative emotions
associated with relapse.
People or Places Connected to the Addictive Behavior:Being around people and places associated with one’s addiction can
often push a person to relapse. For example, going back to a favorite
bar may tempt an individual to pick up the bottle again. It’s better to
avoid these temptations, especially in the early phases of recovery.
Negative or Challenging Emotions:While negative
emotions are a normal part of life, those struggling with addiction
often cite frustration, anger, anxiety, and loneliness, as triggers for
relapse. Therefore, usually as a part of therapy, it’s essential to
develop effective ways of managing, these feelings.
Seeing or Sensing the Object of Your Addiction:In
recovery, even a slight reminder of the object of the addiction, such as
seeing a portrayal of addictive behavior on television, can lead to
relapse. While it is impossible to avoid such reminders forever,
developing skills for managing any urges or cravings can aid in
preventing relapse.
Times of Celebration:Most situations that can
trigger relapse are perceived as negative. However, sometimes positive
situations such as times of celebration, where alcohol or drugs are
present, are just as risky. Avoiding such events or bringing along a
trusted friend can assist in preventing relapse.
While relapse may happen for some and not others, it’s important to remember that relapse does not mean failure. Recovering from addiction is a life-long process of hard work and dedication to one’s program and recovery path.
An easy way to look at triggers is to think of them as synonymous
with temptation. While you may not always be able to control whether you
experience a trigger or a tempting thought, you do have power over
whether you succumb to them. In other words, just because you’re tempted
to do something you know is bad for your sobriety doesn’t mean you’ll
blindly follow through on the urge. Learning to trust your ability to
say no and surrounding yourself with people and situations that support
you help to build the “muscle” of sobriety.
Triggers can include people, places and things; in general, anything
that you associate with substance abuse and/or the compulsive behavior
can be a trigger. This can include seeing or hearing something on TV
about drinking or gambling; the sound of ice cubes hitting a glass as a
family member gets ready to pour a refreshing soda; the smell of pot at a
public venue; being around too many people, or being alone; not taking
your medication and many, many more sights, smells, sounds, tastes,
words, music — the list of possible triggers can seem endless sometimes.
Many self-help support groups use the acronym “H.A.L.T.” to describe
certain triggers. The letters stand for Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired; for many, these are common situations that make it more likely you’ll use or drink.
Aggressive-sounding noises or exposure to anything that makes you feel uncomfortable
Being around someone who has treated you badly
Certain smells, tastes or noises that remind you of your drug of choice
Once you’ve learned to identify your triggers, you can take the
proper steps to deal with them effectively. For some, it helps to keep a
list of coping techniques that have worked in the past — such as going
for a run, calling a close friend or your sponsor, or “urge
surfing”(imagine yourself as a surfer who will ride the urge, staying on
top of it until it crests, breaks and turns into less powerful, foamy
surf) — along with how you felt after afterward. For example,
remembering the good feeling of exhaustion and inner quiet after a long
run, or the sense of pride and power you felt after riding out the urge.
It’s also important to keep a list of people you can call if triggers
become overwhelming. That human connection in the moment may be enough
to give you the support and encouragement you need to get through
without giving in to the trigger.
And remember to share what you’ve learned with others in self-help
support groups or group therapy. There’s great collective wisdom in the
rooms of recovery and many opportunities to provide and receive
suggestions for excellent coping techniques for triggers.
How do I know if I’m slipping? If you’re asking yourself
this question, it could be that you already suspect your recovery might
be in jeopardy. Or you might just be a bit cautious. Either way, knowing
the signs of relapse can give you the time to take proactive steps to
avoid slipping back into using.
Here are 10 common signs of an impending relapse; you don’t need to
experience all of them to be at risk. For some, a single trigger can
signal relapse is on the way. The key is learning how to recognize the
warnings and reaching out for support at the first sign of trouble.
10 Warning Signs of Relapse
Negative thinking. You find yourself regarding
daily life as bleak and the tasks you need to do as burdensome. You feel
like you have a great weight on your shoulders. Increasing feelings of
hopelessness or negativity should alert you that you could be in danger
of relapsing.
Easily angered or annoyed. It’s as if your nerves
are on hair-trigger sensitive. You become mad, even furious, often
without warning and increasingly over small things. This isn’t like you,
but you can’t seem to pull out of it. Getting into arguments with loved
ones and family members more frequently is another clear sign that you
could be on the verge of relapse.
Complacency or overconfidence. After being in
recovery for a while, it starts to seem like you’ve got it all down. You
know what to do and begin to feel like you can handle any situation. As
a result, you may let some of your regular recovery to-do items slide,
for example, attending 12-step meetings or practicing self-care habits
like healthy eating or exercising. If you find yourself becoming
complacent or overly confident about your sobriety, you may need to
reassess and reinvest in your recovery program.
Increased stress. Without the comfortable crutch
of alcohol, drugs or a problematic behavior to smooth over daily
aggravations or unexpected situations, you may find your stress level is
at the breaking point. Worries about finances, performance at work and
how your recovery may be affecting your loved ones can all take a
dramatic toll, wearing you down and increasing the likelihood of
relapse.
Skipping meetings. Not everyone needs to attend
self-help support group meetings as part of their recovery. But if
you’ve been in recovery for a period of time and you have found meetings
helpful, after a while it may begin to seem tedious and unnecessary to
keep going. Maybe you feel that you don’t need the regularity of
meetings to keep you on course and that you’re perfectly fine on your
own. That may in fact be true, but it’s worth paying attention to this
tendency, as some may find it’s a short distance from cutting back or
skipping recovery meetings to sliding into relapse.
Putting yourself in risky situations. If you find
that you’re going back to your old haunts and hanging out with friends
you used to use with, that’s a precarious situation — and one likely
full of old triggers. So guard against thoughts of revisiting the
people, places and things you associate with using.
Denial. Questioning whether you ever really
had a problem or denying to others that you have a problem are both
signs that you could be in danger of relapse. If others notice and
comment on a difference in you, yet you continue to insist that you’re
on top of your recovery, it may be time to slow down and reflect before
you slip back into addictive patterns.
Isolation. Holing up in the house, refusing to see
friends and keeping your distance from family members are troublesome
signs of relapse. When you’re in recovery, you need sober, supportive
people in your life who reinforce this positive path you’re taking. If
you feel depressed, disheartened or angry or alone, instead of sitting
home and feeling miserable, get out and surround yourself with people
(or at least one person) you trust and with whom you can share some
time, even if you’re not ready to open up about how you’re feeling.
Loss of interest in family, friends and activities. When
problems start to mount and you feel like everything’s about to come
crashing down on you, you may notice in yourself a tendency to withdraw
from people and activities you once enjoyed. To safeguard your hard-won
recovery, it’s important to talk about what’s bothering you, either with
a trusted loved one, your sponsor, your therapist or counselor or a
member of the clergy.
Losing hope. When life looks completely black and
you feel a sense of hopelessness and despair, this is a critical warning
sign of impending relapse. Take such feelings seriously and get help
right away.
Do you feel worse now that you’ve
stopped looking at porn?
Knowing what to expect when you’re
going through porn addiction withdrawal is crucial to fighting temptation. When
you understand what your body is going to throw at you, it’s a lot easier to
say,“This is normal and I just have to get through it.”
If you know anyone who’s ever tried
to quit smoking, these withdrawal symptoms will look pretty familiar. Studies
have shown that withdrawal from porn and masturbation is just as severe as
withdrawal from heroin or cocaine.
As you continue reading, you’ll get
a day-by-day walk-through of the most common stages of porn addiction
withdrawal.
1 to 7 Days Without Porn
The first thing that happens when
you quit is that your Dopamine levels take a nose-dive. As you learned about in
the Porn Addiction Symptoms article, Dopamine is the chemical your
brain surges into your system every time you look at porn.
In these first few days, your brain
is literally in shock.
Many men start experiencing these
withdrawal symptoms within 48 hours of quitting:
Grumpiness– Every little thing will
irritate you. For me, I became extremely cynical about everything around
me.
Mood swings – As your brain tries to
rebalance itself, you’ll feel like a teenage girl having her first period…
Happy one minute and on the verge of tears the next. Seriously.
Headaches– I didn’t ever experience
intense migraines like some men report, but I did get subtle
pressure headaches that lasted for hours at a time.
Anxiety– Some men have legitimate
panic attacks, but I experienced this more as a general feeling of stress.
From the first three days for the next three months, I always felt
like I had way too much to do.
Pornographic Thoughts – Temptation during the first
week is extremely intense. This is because your last
pornographic experience is still fresh on your mind. We’ll talk more about
this below.
The
Seven-Day Craving
Can you quit looking at porn for
an entire week?
For most men reading this, the
answer is no. The classic test of addiction is whether or not you can make it a
full seven days without even looking at porn. That’s because of the Seven-Day
Craving, a classic pitfall for first-time quitters.
The Seven-Day Craving is exactly
what it sounds like… You’ll usually experience very intense cravings around Day
7 without looking at porn. For some men, you’ll get your 7-Day Craving at Day
21. For some men, it’ll come at Day 5 and last ‘til Day 10.
Read more: [How to resist temptation
to look at porn.]
1 to 3 Weeks Without Porn
Congratulations! You made it past
the first week. You’ve still got a long road ahead of you, but you should still
pat yourself on the back for making it this far.
These are the most common symptoms
men report after the initial one-week hump:
Zombie-like State – Because your brain has been
deprived of its regular Dopamine highs, it’s common for abstainers to
enter a sluggish, zombie-like state. Expect low energy levels to last
anywhere from two weeks to two months.
Unable to Focus – I could not work
efficiently in the first few weeks after I quit. The constant fatigue
somehow made me feel restless, and things that normally took 30 minutes
were now taking an hour. I had no motivation and no focus.
Social Awkwardness– It’s hard to accurately
describe this symptom, but many men echoed that they felt awkward or
exposed in social settings. It feels like you constantly have your foot in
your mouth.
Low Sex Drive – You might expect your sex
drive to be bursting at the seams after going without porn for a week or
two, but many men report the exact opposite. Although porn will still
ignite temptation when you think about it, any other sexual activity may
not sound appealing while your brain reboots.
Loneliness– This website is mostly
tailored towards married men, but you single men especially will have
trouble with this one. You’ll experience loneliness, and you’ll want to
escape it with porn. Don’t give in!
4 to 8 Weeks Without Porn
28 days without any porn or
masturbation is when about 50% of men start feeling the initial porn addiction
withdrawals start to go away.
For the rest of you, keep going,
you’re relief is just a few weeks away!
Heavily addicted men will probably need another
month or two. Even if you still struggle with withdrawal symptoms, by now
you’ve at least gotten used to going through each day without porn. Looking at
it is no longer a habit.
Here’s
what’s happening in your brain right now:
The “layers” of addicting Delta
Fos-B which built up in your brain due to repeated Dopamine overdosing are
starting to disintegrate. Your brain is it essentially re-wiring itself to
function with normal levels of Dopamine.
Here are some specific withdrawals
to look out for from days 30 to 60:
Random Temptation – There have been so many
times that I’ve made it to four or five weeks without looking at
porn, only to have a single bad day that sent me hurtling back into
relapse.
Bursts of Overwhelming Emotion – You may be reading a book,
looking out the window or lying in bed when suddenly you feel yourself
tearing up about nothing in particular.
Insomnia– Men who were heavily
addicted to porn for a long time are the most likely to experience
insomnia in this stage of recovery. Insomnia due to withdrawal is nearly
impossible to treat, and over-the-counter sleep aids probably won’t do
much to help.
Depression– Again, not all men will
suffer from depression, and some may experience it much earlier in the
withdrawal process. It’s not uncommon for this depression to last several
weeks, but it always goes away eventually.
2 Months & Beyond
If you’ve made it two solid months
without looking at porn at all, then you’re starting to notice some definite
improvements in your life.
You’re starting to feel happier
Your sex drive is coming back
in a healthy way
You have more energy and focus
than ever before
Your marriage actually feels
fulfilling and your wife looks gorgeous
The longest that I’ve ever heard
porn addiction withdrawal symptoms last without any relapse is seven months.
That was in a 45 year-old man who’d been looking at porn multiple times
a day for thirty years.
For me, four months without porn was
the turning point for my withdrawal symptoms, but it took me two miserable years
to get there.
That’s why there’s one thing that
you absolutely must remember at all times:
Never Ever Let Your Guard Down
Temptation could come at any turn,
and years down the road you may still face a spark of temptation every now and
then. But if you can keep yourself away from porn without any relapse for
a full two months, I guarantee you’ll start noticing some changes.
In almost
all of the separations, affairs and divorces I’ve seen in my years running
Husband Help Haven, at least one of these 9 'things' is missing from the
marriage.
Too many men today have forgotten
what it means to be a husband. We’ve forgotten our duties as the head of the
family.Today, you’re going to get a
clear-as-day reminder. Every marriage is different, yes,
but ultimately there are some things that EVERY wife needs from her husband. As you read through each ‘thing’, I
want you to ask yourself, “Does my wife get this from me?” If not, the time to change is now. Let’s get started.
1. Every Wife Needs SECURITYFrom Her Husband
To give your wife security means that you give her confidence in the future.
A guy emailed me a
couple weeks ago with a heartbreaking story.
He had lost his job
about 6 months ago. When he emailed me, his family’s bank account was almost
empty and his wife had told him that if he didn’t find a way to make ends meet
by the end of the month, she was going to walk out the door with their daughter
and never come back.
Ouch.
Sounds harsh, right?
But, it’s not really
that surprising. She’d been working a crummy minimum wage job to support the
family, and after six months, she had officially lost faith in her husband and
his ability to keep the family stable.
She lost confidence in
his ability to provide a stable home for the family both now and in the future,
and so she wanted out. Every wife craves a
feeling of security from her husband. Since the beginning of time, man has
provided and protected his family. A husband needs to
give his wife that feeling of stability; no matter what happens, she needs to
know he’s going to make everything okay.
What If Your Wife Is the Primary Income Earner?
This need for security
does NOT mean you have to be the breadwinner. But it does mean that your wife
needs to be able to trust that YOU are going to make sure the family is
provided for, protected and looked after.
Your wife needs to
trust that if, God forbid, someone would lose their job or get injured and be
unable to work, that the family would not be doomed to financial ruin. If you’re NOT the
breadwinner, you must be on top of financial planning. You need to make sure
that the money your wife makes is being used wisely, and that you won’t be out
on the streets if she loses her job.
2. Every Wife Needs CONTENTMENTFrom Her Marriage
Your wife needs to feel that her life inside the
marriage
is both enjoyable and worthwhile.
How do you do that?
How do you create that feeling for your wife? It’s easy…
YOU have to genuinely
believe the life you’re living is enjoyable and worthwhile!
You should enjoy your marriage as
much as this guy enjoys cowboy hats!
When YOU are content
with your marriage and your family, your WIFE will be much more likely to feel
the same way. This means you should
actively enjoy the time you spend with your wife. Be engaged with her and your
kids, if you’ve got any. Look forward to the time you spend with your family.
When you’re home with
them, don’t go into “bored mode” where you’re basically just trying to pass
time until you get to do something you want to do, like watch TV or hop on the
computer. And, don’t ever let
yourself dread the time you spend with your family as just one more obligation…
Your wife will be able to feel the moment you let yourself start thinking that
way.
This Is ESPECIALLY Important If You're In Your Late 30's or 40's
Why?
Because this age-range
is prime time for a midlife crisis.
And, since a midlife
crisis is always rooted in unfulfillment, one of the best ways to combat, or
better yet, prevent it is by leading the way in contentment. I have NEVER seen a
wife fall into a midlife crisis when she felt content and fulfilled in the
marriage.
3. Every Wife Wants to Feel PRIDEin Her Husband (and Family!)
Every little girl dreams of marrying a
prince.
Every wife wants to know she married a great, worthy husband.
Your wife wants to be
proud of her family. She wants to be proud of her husband, the man she has
committed her life to.
And why wouldn’t she?
When you’re married,
two become one. If your wife can be proud of you, then that means that she can
be proud of herself. When she can be proud of her marriage, this helps her feel
all the other things listed in this article!
Obviously, every
husband has his flaws...
But, you don’t have to
be perfect for your wife to be proud of the man she married. You just have to
do the things that a husband is supposed to do! The good news is that
it’s easier to stand out as a great husband today than it’s ever been, simply
because so few men today have any idea what it means to lead in marriage.
It’s sad, but true.
By showing your wife
that you’re one of the rare breed of men are capable of going above and beyond
for their marriage and family, you WILL stand out, and she WILL be proud of
you. It’s not rocket science!
4. Every Wife Needs SUPPORTFrom Her Husband
She can count on you to be the one always standing in her corner.
Your wife needs to
know that you are always on her side.
She needs to know that
you’ve got her back.
She needs you to be
the shoulder she can lean on when times get tough.
This doesn’t mean that
you have to agree on every single decision in the marriage. The type of support
we’re talking about here is not necessarily for things INSIDE the marriage
relationship, but for things OUTSIDE it.
For example...
If your wife has an extremely
stressful day at work, she needs to be able to come home and know that you
will care about her day.
If your wife is feeling
overwhelmed with parenting, she needs to be able to trust that you can
relieve her.
If your wife gets into a big
disagreement with one of her friends or relatives, she needs to know that
you will be on her side.
Basically, your wife
needs to know that you’re always going to be there to support her and hear her
out. Whatever trials she
ever faces in her life, she needs to feel like you are the foundation on which
she can stand when everything else is falling apart.
5. Every Wife Needs FRIENDSHIPFrom Her Husband
Every wife should enjoy spending time
with her husband.
A friend is someone
who you enjoy spending time with. Ideally, husband and wife are each other’s
best friend!
This means the alone
time you get with your wife should not be centered only on the bedroom, or
talking about family duties.
Of course, life is busy
and especially if you have kids, a lot of alone time you and your wife get is
going to be devoted to them. But, not ALL of it.
You and your wife
should be able to spend time together as friends too, whether that means
shooting the breeze together or doing something that you both enjoy.
6. Every Wife Needs Her Husband to Make Her Feel BEAUTIFUL
Every woman wants to
feel beautiful. It's your job to make your wife feel like a catch!
Again, there is
something primal about this, because truly every woman wants to feel beautiful.
In fact, you could argue that every woman believes they ARE beautiful,
and they want the man they married to recognize it.
Unfortunately, many
women (and men) struggle with self-confidence about their looks. It is your job
to combat that little voice inside your wife that tells her she’s not
beautiful.
She needs to know that
you count yourself extremely lucky to have her as your wife; you need to make
her feel like the amazing catch that she is!
But!
Remember that beauty
is more than just outward appearance.
Make sure you
appreciate the physical, intellectual and spiritual beauty of your wife, and
make sure she knows it!
This doesn’t just have
to be something you do with words… Your actions can communicate how beautiful
you find your wife too. If your wife’s love language is NOT words of
affirmation, then get creative!
The important thing is
that your wife gets that feeling of beauty from you, one way or another.
7. Every Wife Needs INTIMACYFrom Her Husband
Every woman needs that
indescribable feeling of closeness from her husband.
Just to be clear, when
I say intimacy, I’m NOT just talking about sex.
Intimacy is that
feeling of closeness that a man and woman are meant to experience inside of a
marriage. True intimacy is the manifestation of deep love between two people,
and it doesn’t always have to be physical. Giving your wife
intimacy is about the feeling you create for her, not the physical actions that
you do.
Yes, intimacy DOES
include sex. When you have sex with your wife, you should get that feeling of
closeness, coziness, of unbridled love. But, sex isn’t the only form of
intimacy.
Here are some other
ways to create and maintain intimacy:
You can create intimacy for
your wife through non-sexual physical affection.
You can give her that feeling
of intimacy by understanding
her as a person;
show her that you understand her goals, her wants, or even her peeves.
You can create that feeling of
intimacy by engaging
her on an intellectual level;
by challenging her and/or talking to her about something she has deep
knowledge of.
Or, you can create that feeling
on a spiritual level… One of the ways my wife and I stay intimate is by praying
together every night WITHOUT
our daughter. This time is husband-wife time, not parent time.
8. Every Wife Needs Her Husband to Step Up as a FATHER
You need to be more
than just the leader of your marriage; you need to be the leader of your
family!
We have a severe
father problem in our society today.
Way too many kids are growing
up without a proper father figure. Many kids grow up without any father at all.
For many of you, your
own lack of male role models growing up is a big reason that you’re here on
this site!
If you want your kids
to have a happy, healthy and fulfilling marriage when they grow up, then you
MUST take your job as father seriously.
But, it’s not just
your kids that need you to be the father of the family… Your wife does too! She
needs you to not only be her leader, but leader to your children too.
How to S.P.E.L.L. Fatherhood
In Manly Marriage Revival,
I give you an acronym to help you remember your responsibilities as father. The
acronym is SPELL:
Strong – Always remain positive, confident and respectful in front of
your kids. When you make decisions as a father, stand firm in them. When you
say yes, it means yes. When you say no, it means no. You are “the Dad”.
Present – You are there for your kids. You get lots of face time with
them.
But, remember that
being present is about more than just physically being around your kids… A
father must be present mentally and emotionally too. When you’re spending time
with your kids, they get your full attention. Reinforce that they’re worthy of
attention.
Encouraging – A good father is constantly uplifting his kids. He wants them
to be confident. He wants to be a constant source of positivity. He isn’t
cynical or negative.
Always look for
opportunities to encourage your children… And not just generic encouragement
like “Great job!” or “You did awesome!” Look for specific ways to praise your
children.
Loving – Pretty straightforward one here… A father loves his kids and
his kids know that he loves them. This is communicated through both words and
actions.
Leader – Finally, a good father leads his family, and his kids see him
as the family’s leader.
If you can hit all
five of these, I can virtually guarantee you that your marriage will improve. When
you're ACTIVE as a father, your wife will find you ATTRACTIVE as a husband.
9. Every Wife Needs LEADERSHIPFrom Her Husband
This is what it all
comes down to.
Your wife NEEDS you to
be a leader.
And not a leader in
the traditional “alpha male” sense of the word...
She needs you to be a
servant-leader… The type of leader who takes his job so seriously that he
makes sacrifices for the benefit of those he serves.
This isn’t begging.
This isn’t submission. Those two things are borne out of weakness and
self-interest.
She needs to know that
she can count on you to see the family to their betterment; a leader puts the
cause (in this case, the family) ahead of himself, and that’s what you need to
do for your wife. Your wife needs a leader
in her marriage. Even if she doesn’t know it. Even if she doesn’t want it. She
needs it, and she will love it once she sees it.
How many of these 9 things are you
providing for your wife?
Which ones do you need to work on?
If you want to get a head start on
giving your wife each of these 9 things in your marriage, then be sure to check
out the free PDF workbook that goes along with this post:?
