7. ACTUAL PLAY - Privacy - Islamic Guide To Sexual Relations

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ACTUAL PLAY

ONCE A COUPLE spend sufficient time in foreplay and feel they are ready, they may engage in actual sex and penetration. There are many rules and etiquettes that need to be understood in this regard.

1) Privacy

a) It is of extreme importance that the spouses are alone when engaging in sexual relations. This is necessary not only during actual intercourse but even during foreplay. The couple must take means to ensure that they are away from the gazes of others, including small children. Ibn al-Hajj al-Maliki mentions in his Al-Madkhal that 'Abdullah ibn 'Umar (r) would even eject a small breast-feeding child from his room when intending to have sex with his wife. Some scholars state that it is disliked to have even a cat in the room when intending to engage in sexual relations. (Usul al-Mu'ashara al-Zawjiyya P: 67)

In this regard, care must be taken to close and lock the doors, so that no one is able to enter upon the couple, even by mistake. The windows should be shut with the curtains drawn properly, so that neighbours are unable to see in, even if inadvertently. This is more important in a multi­storey apartment complex or on a densely populated street. Couples failing to give due importance to this will give others an opportunity to see them engaging in sexual relations. This is a shameful and sinful act that can never be allowed, as concealing one's nakedness in front of others, especially when having sex, is an important obligation of Shari'a.

It is clear that there is no place for exhibitionism or voyeurism in Islam. Some people derive pleasure from displaying their bodies or their sexual acts in front of others. Islam completely rejects and condemns such perverted practices of sexual gratification. As such, it is absolutely unlawful and sinful to have sex in public places where there is a possibility of being seen, such as in gardens, public parks, cars, beaches and patios or balconies outside of apartment buildings. Sex in public is also against the law in most countries, so not only would one be breaking the law of Allah, but also the law of one's country and presenting oneself to disgrace and possible arrest for indecent exposure.

b) The couple have to be careful to conceal their act of sex so that others do not hear it. Imam Ghazali records a hadith in his Ihya"Ulum al-Din: "The Messenger of Allah (sa) would cover his head, lower his voice and say to his wife, "Remain calm." Hafiz Zayn al-Din al-'Iraqi states that this hadith is reported by Khatib al-Baghdadi from Umm Salama (r) with a weak chain of transmission. (See: lthaf al-Sadat al-Muttaqin bi Sharh lhya'' Ulum al-Din 6: 1 7 4)

As such, both the husband and wife must avoid making any noise during sex that may be heard by others. It is part of the etiquettes of sexual relations that the couple abstain from talking excessively and making loud noises. This becomes even more important when there may be others, such as parents, in the next room. Some couples do not care if their family members or neighbours hear them having sex. Not only is this sinful, but it also shows a lack of dignity. Couples who, despite trying, are unable to control the noises they make during sex, should avoid making love when others are close by. They should take means of going to a place where no one is able to hear them. The jurists state that it is unlawful to have sex even in the presence of a blind person, as he is able to hear them having sex. (See: Radd al-Muhtar  3:208 and Al-Mughni 8:135)

c) It is unlawful for a man who has two wives to have sex with both of them simultaneously as a threesome, or to have sex with one wife in the presence of the other, even if they both give their consent to it. This is due to two reasons:

Firstly, it is impermissible for a woman to look at the awra of another woman even if she is her co-wife. The awra of a woman in front of other Muslim women is from her navel up to and including her knees. (Al-Hidaya 4:461) The Messenger of Allah (sa) said in a hadith quoted earlier, " ... and a woman should not look at the nakedness (awra) of another woman" (Sunan al-Tirmidhi 2793), without distinguishing between a co-wife and another woman.

Secondly, sexual relations are to be kept private between the two people involved. Islam prohibits the husband and wife from discussing the details of their sexual behaviour with others. A hadith in this regard was quoted earlier in which the Messenger of Allah (sa) said: 'The most evil of people in the sight of Allah on the Day of Judgment is the man who has sex with his wife and she has sex with him, then he reveals her secret." (Sahih, Muslim 1437)  

Revealing the details of one's sexual behaviour could not be more direct than actually having sex in front of another person. As such, this practice is unlawful and sinful.  This is why it is stated in the Hanafi Fiqh reference work, Al-Fatawa al-Hind'iyya, "It is prohibitively disliked [i.e. not permitted] to have sex with one wife in the presence of the other. So much so that if the husband demands that she has sex with him [in the other's presence], she does not have to make herself available, and by refusing she is not considered a rebellious wife." (Al-Fatawa al-Hindiyya 1:341)

Imam Ibn Qudama of the Hanbali School states in his Al-Mughn'i, "If the two wives agree that the husband have sex with one of them while the other watches, it is not allowed, for this act is immoral, absurd and doing away with the sense of honour (muru'a). As such, it is not permitted even with their consent." (Al-Mughni 8:137. See also: Mughn'i al-Muhtaj 3:334 and Sharh al-Khursh'i 'ala Mukhtasr al-Khatil4:6)

d) As for having sex in front of small children, if the child has reached an age of discernment (tamy'iz), and so has the sense to comprehend what is taking place in front of him, even if only partially, then it is prohibitively disliked and sinful for the couple to have sex in his presence ( Radd al-Mu/J,tar 3:208).

Some Muslim couples are very careless in this regard and display their sexual acts openly in front of their young children and other family members. Islam is very clear when it comes to public display of affection. It prohibits the display of intimacy and other sexual acts such as kissing, hugging and caressing before others, including young children.

Allah Most High says:

"O you who believe, the slaves owned by you, and the [children] among you who have not reached puberty, must seek permission [before they come in your presence] on three occasions: before Fajr prayer; and when you take off your clothes at noon, and after the 'Isha' prayer. These are your three times of privacy."

(Qur'an 24:58)

In verse 27 of the same chapter (surah), Allah Most High laid down the rule that no person should enter the house of another without seeking permission. This verse exempts children and slaves living in the same house from this rule, and so have permission to enter the houses without specific permission. However, there are three times of privacy in which they too are required to seek permission. Imam Ibn Kathir states, "Servants and children are commanded not to intrude upon the adults of the household at these times of privacy, for fear that the man may be having sex with his wife or involved in other acts of sexual intimacy." ( Tafsir al-Qur'an al-Azim 3:404)

It is worth noting here that Shari'a instructs children to seek permission before entering lest they see something of that which takes place between the spouses. If this is the case, then how dishonourable would it be to do such things openly and deliberately in front of them?

Nafi' relates from Sayyiduna 'Abdullah ibn 'Umar (r) that when his child would reach the age of discernment, he would have him removed [from his room], hence he would not be allowed to enter except with his permission." (Al-Adab al-Mufrad oflmam Bukhari 1058)

Masa ibn Talha says, "I tried entering my mother's room with my father. He went in and I followed him. He turned and pushed me in the chest so that I fell on my bottom. Then he said, "Are you entering without permission?" (Al-Adab al-Mufrad 1061)

Muslim parents who display sexual acts in front of their children must realise they are making a grave mistake. They are wrong in thinking that these are merely young children without the capability of understanding such matters. In fact, this has an extremely negative effect on their children's upbringing. Children are created with this natural instinct to imitate their parents in all their affairs, so it is possible that they may try to imitate their parents, even though playfully, and do the same things with other children. The destructive consequences of this are clear.

In addition, doing such things openly is contrary to modesty and decency. Islam teaches its followers to be dignified, and prohibits them from engaging in any action that would lead to an immoral atmosphere.

The Messenger of Allah (sa) was a practical example of modesty and bashfulness. Sayyiduna Abu Sa'id al-Khudri (r) relates:

'The Messenger of Allah (sa) was more bashful than the virgin behind her curtain [or in her private quarters], and when he disliked something, we recognised it from his face." 

(Sahih, Muslim 2320)

As such, couples must avoid having sex or displaying their intimate and sexual acts such as kissing, hugging, caressing and fondling one another in the presence of young children. If the child has reached an age of discernment, then this is sinful.

As for sexual relations in a room where a small baby is sleeping, this too should be avoided wherever possible. It was mentioned earlier that the predecessors (salaf) would avoid sexual relations in a room where a small child of the age of breast-feeding, less than two years of age, or an animal was present. As such, it is somewhat disliked to engage in sexual relations in their presence, but not unlawful (haram) per se.

e) Recently a question was posed to the author about the permissibility of a couple taking intimate pictures of each other or recording themselves having sex, and then looking at the photos or watching the video.

Regardless of the difference of opinion amongst contemporary scholars about the ruling on photography, and even though the position taken by many scholars is that photographs fall under the rubric of picture-making (taswir) of living creatures and humans, which is explicitly forbidden in over 20 authenticated hadiths, taking nude pictures of one's spouse or recording sexual relations and then looking at the images cannot be considered permissible at all.

The reason for this is clear. By taking such pornographic images, one is potentially giving others the opportunity to see one's nakedness, and this is impermissible. The sexual images could be misplaced or lost and come into the hands of a stranger. Imagine the reaction if the images or videos found their way into the hands of the couple's children! Even if the images are secured and hidden, the possibility still remains that someone may see them, even if all precautions are taken. Some unusual occurrence can transpire making it possible for a third person to get hold of the images. Preventing an evil before it actually happens is a well-established principle of Islamic jurisprudence.

In addition, such practices contradict the modesty that Islam commands. The couple are only permitted to look at each other's naked bodies because of the need for it during sexual relations, and even then, it is superior for them to avoid doing so.

In conclusion, it is not allowed for the couple to take nude images of themselves for viewing later on. This is disregarding the fact that many scholars hold photography to be impermissible.

Source: Islamic Guide To Sexual Relations

To Be Continued....