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Preparation of the Husband
2)
Good Treatment and Seduction
A very important aspect of a
husband's psychological preparation is preceding sexual relations with good
treatment, kind words, playfulness and affection. Islam generally commands the husband
to treat his wife honourably at all times, let alone when the couple intend on
engaging in sexual relations. Allah Most High says:
"Live with them on a
footing of kindness and equity. If you take a dislike to them it may be that
you dislike a thing, and Allah brings about through it a great deal of
good."
(Qur'an 4:19)
The Messenger of Allah (sa)
emphasised, both verbally and in action, the importance of treating one's wife
kindly. Sayyiduna Abu Hurayra (r) relates that the Messenger of Allah (sa) said:
"The most perfect of
believers in belief is the best of them in character. And the best of you are
those who are the best to their women." (Sunan al-Tirmidh'i 1162
with a rigorously authenticated chain of transmission)
The Messenger of Allah (sa) was a
living example of how a husband should treat his wife. He was extremely gentle
and kind toward his wives, and treated them in an amicable manner. He was
affectionate, humorous and considerate towards them. Many examples of the Messenger
of Allah's (sa) treatment of his wives can be found in the books of Prophetic
narrations. Sayyiduna 'Abdullah ibn Abbas (r) relates that the Messenger of Allah
(s) said:
'The best among you is the one
who is best to his family. And I am the best among you to my family."
(Sunan
Ibn Majah 1977)
As such, treating one's wife
kindly is a general ruling of lslam, and is essential when one intends to have
sexual relations. How a couple treat one another outside the bedroom will have
a direct impact on their bedroom behaviour.
To set the scene, the husband
should be gentle and affectionate, expressing his love for her with words that
will seduce her. He should remember that women get "turned on" by
what is said and the meaning behind the words. It is all about how his words make her feel. It's a set of actions,
and every small thing the husband does matters, and will help contribute to a
healthy sexual encounter.
There is a subtle indication of
this in the Qur'an also. Allah Most High says:
''Your wives are tillage for
you to cultivate. So approach your tillage from where you wish, but do some
good act for yourselves beforehand; and fear Allah."
(Qur'an 2:223)
Some exegetes of the Qur'an say
that the phrase "but do some good act for yourselves beforehand"
refers to the importance of things that come before sex itself, such as having
a correct intention, reciting the appropriate Du'a, and foreplay in increasing interest and making the
matter easier. (Tafsir Abi al-Sa'ud 1:223 and Tafsir al-Kasshaf 1:294)
In a hadith, the Messenger of
Allah (sa)
describes how disgraceful it is
for a husband to treat his wife cruelly and then have sex with her. He (sa) said:" ... One of you beats his
wife as he would beat a slave, and then he may have sex with her in the
evening!" (Sahih al-Bukhan 4658 and Sahih Muslim2855, the
wording is of Bukhari)
The Messenger of Allah (sa) is displaying astonishment at a
man who mistreats his wife and then has the audacity to engage in sexual relations
with her. This is why in another narration he said:
"How can one of you beat
his wife like a stallion is beaten and then sleep with her?" (Sahih
al-Bukhan 5695) In other words, how can a husband treat his wife harshly
and aggressively and then expect her to be responsive to his sexual advances?
Muslim husbands really must
take heed of this. Some men, outside of the bedroom, fail to treat their women
with warmth and affection, but when it comes to sex, all of a sudden, they become caring and
compassionate. Not only is this selfish, it also shows what the wife actually means
to the husband.
The Sunna is to precede sexual
relations with tenderness and affection. The husband should use the appropriate
means to seduce his wife, through his words and actions. In this way, the wife
will also be extremely receptive to his sexual advances.
To Be Continued....
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