Warning - Contents may have images/information that some viewers may find disturbing. Proceed with caution. One of the principles of sharee’ah (law) is that whatever leads to haraam deeds is itself haraam, so everything that leads to the provocation of haraam desires is haraam, because it may lead to a person falling into evil things. If you feel erotic while reading the post, please leave/close the page.
1)The optimal time for sex is when one is relaxed and a
temperamental balance exists in both spouses. Any tension or anxiety, whether
hunger, thirst, anger, depression or illness will dampen the passion and may well
prove to be unhealthy for the body. For some people, the optimal time is the
night, when the husband is unoccupied with the pressures of work, whilst others
may feel fresh and agile in the morning directly after waking up from sleep.
2)Some scholars consider the latter part of the night to be the best
time for sex because the stomach is full during the earlier part of the night,
and sex on a full stomach is harmful. Sexual relations between couples are best
suited after food has been completely digested. This was also the usual
practice of the Messenger of Allah (s), although he is reported to have slept with his wives at other
times as well.
Abu lshaq relates, "I
asked al-Aswad ibn Yazid regarding what Sayyida 'A'isha (r) informed him about the [night] prayer of
the Messenger of Allah (s). She ('A'isha (r)) said:
"He would sleep in the
early part of the night, and wake up in the latter part [to offer prayers]. If
he then wished to fulfil his desire with his wife, he would fulfil his desire,
and then sleep. When the first call to prayer was made he would jump up (by
Allah, she, i.e. 'A'isha, did not say, "He would stand up") and pour
water over himself (by Allah she, i.e. 'A'isha, did not say that he took a bath
but I know what she meant). If he was not in a state of major ritual impurity,
he would [merely] perform ablution, the ablution for prayer and then offer two Rak'as
[Sunna of Fajr]."
(Sahih Muslim 739)
For those who find it difficult
to wait for the end of the night, a practical solution is to eat a light meal
in the early part of the evening. In this way, the stomach will not be full
when having sex in the earlier part of the night.
3)Sexual relations on Friday and the night preceding Friday is also recommended
and some consider this virtuous. Imam Abu Hamid al Ghazali states in his
renowned Ihya '' Ulum al-Din that according to some scholars, sex
on Friday and the night preceding it is recommended (mustahab) due to
the hadith narrated by Aws ibn Aws al-Thaqafi (r) regarding the reward of one bathing and causing the spouse to
bathe on Fridays, quoted earlier. (See: Ithaf al-Sadat al-Muttaqin bi Sharh Ihya' 'Ulum al-Din 6:175)
DISLIKED TIMES
1)Having sex when one needs to relieve oneself is both disliked and detrimental
to one's health, whether one needs to urinate or defecate. There is also a hadith
reported in this regard. Sayyiduna Anas ibn Malik (r) relates that the Messenger of Allah (s)is reported to have said:
"One of you should not
have sex when there is a need to defecate, for that causes the illness of piles
(bawasir), and one of you should not have sex when there is a need to
urinate, for that causes the illness of tumour (nawasir)." (Kanz
al-'Ummal44902, the chain of transmission for this report is not
authenticated)
2)Imam Ghazali states in his Ihya' that it is disliked to
have sex during three nights of each month: the first, the last and the middle
night [i.e. the fourteenth night]. It is said that the devils appear on these nights where sexual
relations are taking place between spouses. The detestability of sexual
relations on these nights is related from 'Ali, Mu'awiya and Abu Hurayra (r) (See: Ithaf al-Sadat al-Muttaqin bi Sharh Ihya" Ulum al-Din 6:175)
GENERALLY, THE SHARI'A does not
specify any particular time for engaging in or desisting from sexual activity.
Married couples may choose any time of the day or night for sex, unless there
is some other external factor prohibiting sex, such as the time for prayer is
about to end and one has not yet prayed, or the wife is menstruating. It is authentically reported that the Messenger of Allah (s) engaged in sexual relations
with his wives at various times of the day and night.
Furthermore, sexual activity
can only take place if the urge exists and if the couple have the necessary
agility and are relaxed. As such, it is impractical to impose specific times
for sex, given that couples differ from one another in their hours of work,
times of resting and sleeping, and their desire to have sex. As a result,
Shari'a has not legislated a time in which they should engage in sexual
relations.
Scholars mention, however,
certain times that are favourable for sexual activity, and others during which
it is disliked. Statements are transmitted from certain Companions and early
Muslims (r). It is worth noting that these preferences are based on
medical reasons, individual experiences or personal judgments, and do not
constitute a legal (shari’) ruling. There is no sin attached to
disregarding them. Many of the statements quoted from the Companions and early
Muslims in this respect are not authentically established with proper chains of
transmission, for instance the poetry transmitted from Sayyiduna 'Ali (r) on this subject.
Given this, one need not
consider the advice below to be binding or authentically established. It should
not be given more importance than it deserves, but at the same time, one should
not consider what some books mention about preferable times for having sex and
times to avoid sex as baseless. These recommendations are based on experience
and personal judgment and this is the context in which the terms "preferred"
and "disliked" should be read in the coming sections.
WE HAVE DISCUSSED the woman's
religious right to sexual relations, we will now examine in detail the
frequency with which a couple should engage in sexual activity through mutual
agreement, aside from the religious obligations and rights of each spouse.
The Shari'a does not fix a
specific limit or restriction on how often a couple may engage in sexual
activity, as the temperament, physique and sexual libido of each individual
varies considerably. As such, couples should mutually decide what is best suited for them.
There is no general set rule in this matter; the answer will vary from couple
to couple, keeping in mind the needs of both spouses.
However, Islam is a religion of
moderation and its adherents are encouraged to be moderate in all aspects
of life, since the best course is the middle course. An extremist tendency in
either direction is at odds with the spirit of Islam. Moderation permeates
every teaching of Islam, and even in sexual matters, moderation is the ideal
approach.
Complete celibacy or reducing
one's sexual activity to the bare minimum may be unhealthy. It is therefore unadvisable for a couple to abandon sex
altogether given the fact that Allah Most High has blessed them with a means of
fulfilling their sexual needs.
Similarly, excessive sex is
likely to be harmful to one's health. Faqih Abu 'l-Layth al-Samarqandi relates
in his Al-Bustan from Sayyiduna 'Ali (r) that, "Whoever is desirous of a long healthy life should eat
in the mornings and evenings, avoid taking loans, abstain from walking around
bare-footed, and desist from having sex excessively." (Qanun-eMubasharat
P: 16)
Note that this advice is not a
Shari'a ruling, but rather a piece of general advice. It is advisable in this regard to consult a specialist
should one be concerned about one's personal situation.
Some scholars recommend having
sex once a week and consider this to fall within the ambit of moderation. They
base their position on the hadith related by Aws ibn Aws al-Thaqafi (r) that the Messenger of Allah (s)said:
"Whoever causes [his
spouse] to bathe and bathes himself on Friday, then goes out early [for Friday
prayers], walks and does not ride, and takes his seat close to the imam and
listens attentively, and does not indulge in futility, will earn the reward of
a year's fasting and praying at night for every step he takes." (Sunan
Abi Dawud 349 & Sunan al-Nasa'i 1381, the wording is of Abu Dawud)
In this hadith, the Messenger
of Allah (s)uses the phrase, "man ghassala"
which translates literally as "whoever bathes another" or ''whoever
causes another to bathe." Imam Suyuti (may Allah have mercy on him)
interprets this statement in his commentary of Sunan al-Nasa'i where he
says, " ... And it is said that the meaning of ghassala (bathes another
or causes another to bathe) means he has sex with his spouse before leaving for
[Friday] prayers, because this will aid him in lowering his gaze on the way ...
" (Sunan al-Nasa'i bi Sharah al-Suyuti 3:95)
Imam Ibn Qudama states: 'The
meaning of the Messenger of Allah's (s) statement "man ghassala wa igtasala" is that he
has sex with his wife and then takes a bath." (Al-Mughni 2:201)
Accordingly, one of the
meanings of this hadith is that whoever has sex with his wife on Friday and
so takes a bath himself and causes his wife to take a bath, and puts into
practice the other actions mentioned, will earn the reward of a year's fasting
and praying at night for every step he takes to Friday prayers.
Because Friday comes once every
week, these scholars consider that having sex once a week is recommended and in
line with the spirit of moderation.
In conclusion, moderation is
the golden rule. Having sex too often can be exhausting and unhealthy, whilst abandoning
sex altogether or reducing it to a bare minimum may also be damaging and
unhealthy. Couples should negotiate what is an achievable goal for them in
terms of sexual activity so that they may settle on a level that is mutually
satisfactory. The best way to achieve this is through honest and respectful discussion.
That way, sex will be more fulfilling for both spouses, Insha’ Allah.
Like
men, women have sexual needs. However, unlike men, they have more control over
their sexual urges due to the inherent temperamental, physical, and emotional
differences between women and men.
A
woman will not normally demand the fulfilment of her sexual needs. Instead, when
she is in the mood, she will employ various means of seducing her husband, by
adorning herself, talking to him enticingly, and gazing at him longingly.
Medical experts are of the opinion that a woman's sexual desire reaches its
peak directly after the completion of her menstrual cycle. A perceptive husband
realises this and is responsive to her signals.
The
husband is religiously obliged to fulfil the sexual needs of his wife. It is a
sin on his part to deprive his wife of this right without a valid excuse or
permission. This is why many jurists hold that it is religiously obligatory for
the husband to have sex with his wife every so often. (See: Bada'i al-Sana'i
2:331)
Sayyiduna 'Abdullah ibn Amr (r)relates:
"My father married me off
to a woman of good lineage, and he used to consult his daughter-in-law- i.e.
his son's wife -and ask her about her husband. She would say to him, "An excellent man! A man who has
not slept with us in bed nor removed the veil from us since we came to him!"
When that went on for a long time, he (my father) mentioned that to the
Messenger of Allah
(s). The Messenger of Allah (s) said, "Send him to
me." So I went to meet him soon after, and he said, "How often do you
fast?" I said, "Every day." He said, "How often do you
complete the Qur'an?" I said, "Every night." He said, "Fast
three days every month and complete one Qur'an every month." I said,
"I have the ability to do more than that." He said, "Then fast
three days every week." I said, "I have the ability to do more than
that." He said, "Fast after every two days." I said, "I
have the ability to do more than that." He said, "Fast the most
superior of fasts, the fasting of Dawud (peace be upon him) who used to fast every
alternate day; and complete the recitation of the Qur'an in seven days ...
"
(Sahih
alBukhari 4765)
In another variation of this
same hadith, 'Abdullah ibn Amr (r) relates:
"The Messenger of Allah (s) said to me, "Have I not
been informed that you fast all day and pray all night?" I said,
"Yes, O Messenger of Allah." He said, "Do not do it. Fast and
break the fast, and pray and sleep, because your body has a right over you,
your eye has a right over you, your wife has a right over you, and your visitor
has a right over you. It is enough for you to fast three days out of every
month. Every good action is multiplied by ten, so that is like fasting all the
time." But I was austere then and made things hard for myself. I said,
"O Messenger of Allah, I feel strong." He said, "Fast the fast
of the Prophet of Allah, Dawud (peace be upon him), but do not do more than
that." I said, "What is the fast of Dawud (peace be upon him)?"
He said, "Half the time." When he became old, 'Abdullah used to say, "I
wished I had accepted the easier options provided by the Messenger of Allah (s)."
(Sahih al-Bukhari 1874)
{Note: This hadith also
presents a model of chastity, modesty and bashfulness of the female companions
(may Allah be pleased with them all), and tells us how patiently they bore the
indifference of their husbands. In the instance quoted, the politeness with
which the wife of 'Abdullah ibn Amr answered her father-in-law, when he enquired
about the treatment of her husband, is an exceptional example of decency and endurance.}
In
this hadith, the Messenger of Allah (s)advises 'Abdullah ibn Amr ibn al-'As (r) to be moderate in his worship, and on learning that he had
not slept with his wife, the Messenger of Allah (s) said to him, "Your wife has a right over you," clearly
defining the husband's responsibility to fulfil his wife's sexual and other
needs.
Abu Juhayfa (r) relates:
"The Messenger of Allah (s) joined Salman (r) and Abu al-Darda' (r) together in brotherhood. Salman visited Abu al-Darda' and saw Umm
al-Darda' [Abu al-Darda's wife] poorly dressed and said to her, "What is
the matter with you?" She said, "Your brother Abu al-Darda' has no
need of this world [meaning he did not care whether his wife adorned herself
for him or not since he was very busy in worshiping Allah Most High]."
Abu al-Darda' came and made some food for him [i.e. Salman]. Salman said, "Eat."
He said, "I am fasting." Salman said, "I will not eat unless you
eat." He says, "So he ate." In the night, Abu al-Darda' went to
stand in prayer and Salman said to him, "Sleep!" and so he slept.
Then he got up again and Salman said, "Sleep!" When it was the latter
part of the night, Salman said, "Now get up and they both prayed
together." Salman said to him, "Your Lord has a right over you, your
self has a right over you and your wife has a right over you, so give each
rightful person their due right." Abu al-Darda' came to the Messenger of
Allah (s)and mentioned this to him and the Messenger of Allah (s)said, "Salman spoke the truth."
(Sahih al-Bukhari 1867)
Scholars
differ over how regularly a husband must have sex with his wife to fulfil her
needs.
1) Imam Abu Hamid al-Ghazali holds that it is
religiously obligatory for a man to have sex with his wife once every four
nights, a view supported by the following incident:
'Abd
al-Razzaq relates in his Al-Musannaf from Qatada and Sha'bi that a woman
came to 'Umar (r) and said, "My husband stands
at night [in prayer] and fasts during the day." 'Umar (r) said, ''You have praised your husband
excellently well." Ka'b ibn Sawwar said to 'Umar, "She is [actually] complaining."
'Umar (r) said, "How?" He said,
"She claims to have no share in the marriage from her husband [meaning her
husband does not fulfil her rights]." 'Umar (r) said, "If you understand this much, then you decide between
them." He (Ka'b) said, "O Amir al-Mu'minin! Allah has permitted him
four wives. So she has one day of every four days, and one night of every four
nights." (Suyuti, Tarikh al-Khulafa' P: 161)
In
light of this, Imam Ghazali's view is that a man must fulfil his wife's sexual needs
once every four nights, since he is permitted to spend the other three nights
with his other wives, were he to have four. This is also the favoured position
of Imam Tahawi (may Allah have mercy on him) of the Hanafi School. (See: Radd
al-Muhtar 3:203 & jadid Fiqhi Masa'il 2: 172)
2) Imam Ibn Hazm (may Allah
have mercy on him) holds that it is religiously obligatory for a man to sleep
with his wife once every month. He states: "It is obligatory upon a man to
have sex with his wife at least once in every interval (tuhr) between
menstruations if he is able to do so, otherwise
he will be sinful. The proof for this is the statement of Allah Most High:
"But when they are purified, then approach them from where Allah has
commanded you." (Al-Muhalla P: 1672)
Imam
Ibn Hazm derives his opinion from the word of Allah Most High: "Approach
them," a command indicative of obligation. Most scholars consider this to
be a statement that permits sex after menstruation - her menses prohibited sex,
and so Allah Most High returns permission once she is purified. Imam Ibn Hazm
understood the text literally and ruled that having sex after one's wife is
purified from menstruation is obligatory.
3) According to some scholars,
a man must have sex with his wife once every four months or else he is sinful.
They substantiate their position with the following narration:
Ibn Jarir relates, "I was informed by the one whom I trust that 'Umar ibn
al-Khattab (r),while on patrol, heard a woman
saying [singing poetry], "This
night stretches out and is dark, and that I am without a companion to be
intimate with has made me sleepless. Were it not for the fear of Allah like
unto Whom there is none, the sides of this couch would have been moving."
'Umar (r)said, "What is wrong with you?" She said, ''You sent my
husband on an expedition some months ago, and I long for him." He said,
"Do you intend to do wrong?" She said, "I seek the refuge of Allah!"
He said, "So restrain yourself, for it is only a matter of the message
being delivered to him." 'Umar (r)sent a message to him [to return]. Then he went to [his daughter] Hafsa and said, "I want to ask you about a matter
which concerns me, so dispel it for me. How long can a woman remain without her
husband?" She lowered her head and was shy. He said, 'Truly Allah is not
shy of the truth." So she gestured with her hand indicating three months,
and if that is not possible, then four months. Hence 'Umar (r)declared that armies must not be kept on service for more than
four months." (Tarikh al-Khulafa' P: 161-162)
Imam
Muwaffaq al-Din Ibn Qudama (may Allah have mercy on him), a prominent Hanbali
jurist, also concurs with this position in his masterpiece of Hanbali and
comparative fiqh Al-Mughni. He asserts that if the husband abstains from
fulfilling his wife's sexual needs due to an Islamically valid reason such as
illness, then there is no fixed time period for having sex with her. If, however,
he abstains without any genuine reason, he is obliged to have sex within four
months, and if he fails to fulfil her sexual needs after this period, he is
ordered to divorce her. (Al-Mughni8: 551-552)
{Note: It is worth noting here that 'Umar ibn al-Khattab (r) did not ask his wife, but rather his daughter.
Mawlana Ashraf 'Ali Thanawi states that the reason for this was that 'Umar (r) expected an impartial answer from his daughter. He
thought that there was a possibility of his wife's answer being biased, since
it was her husband who was asking. (Al-Ifadat al-Yawmiyya min al-Ifadat
al-Qawmiyya 2:300)
4) Most jurists (fuqaha'),
including many Hanafi scholars, hold that it is religiously obligatory for a husband
to have sex with his wife every so often, without this being fixed at a
specific frequency. The prominent Hanafi jurist Imam Haskafi states, "It is religiously obligatory for a
husband to have sex with his wife every so often, and he must not reach the
duration of four months without her permission ... "
Imam
Ibn 'Abidin explains this by stating that the husband is religiously obligated
to have sex with his wife every so often, unless he has some kind of illness or
some other valid excuse. He then cites Imam Tahawi from the Hanafi School who
holds the view that the husband is obligated to have sex with her once every
four nights. However, he further states, that the established position of the
Hanafi School (zahir al-madhhab) is that there is no fixed time-limit,
rather the husband will be obligated to spend the night with his wife and
fulfil her sexual needs every so often. (See: Radd al-Muhtar 'ala 'l-Durr
al-Mukhtar 3:202-203, Bab al-Qasam)
According
to the author, this last position seems to be the most reasonable and
practical, especially in our times. As such, the husband must engage in sexual
relations with his wife every so often enough to maintain her outward and
inward chastity such that she does not incline towards committing an unlawful
act. If a man consistently refuses his wife, he will be sinful.
However,
as in the case of the husband's right to sexual relations, the obligation to
fulfil the sexual needs of one's wife is conditional on the man's physical
ability to have sex with his wife. If the husband is too ill or weak to engage in any sexual activity or fears
that having sex with his wife will result in unbearable weakness, then he is
not required to fulfil his wife's sexual needs, and will not be sinful.
