The Wife's Right to Sexual Relations

READ DISCLAIMER BEFORE PROCEEDING

THE WIFE'S RIGHT TO SEXUAL RELATIONS

Like men, women have sexual needs. However, unlike men, they have more control over their sexual urges due to the inherent temperamental, physical, and emotional differences between women and men.

A woman will not normally demand the fulfilment of her sexual needs. Instead, when she is in the mood, she will employ various means of seducing her husband, by adorning herself, talking to him enticingly, and gazing at him longingly. Medical experts are of the opinion that a woman's sexual desire reaches its peak directly after the completion of her menstrual cycle. A perceptive husband realises this and is responsive to her signals.

The husband is religiously obliged to fulfil the sexual needs of his wife. It is a sin on his part to deprive his wife of this right without a valid excuse or permission. This is why many jurists hold that it is religiously obligatory for the husband to have sex with his wife every so often. (See: Bada'i al-Sana'i 2:331)

Sayyiduna 'Abdullah ibn Amr (r) relates:

"My father married me off to a woman of good lineage, and he used to consult his daughter-in-law- i.e. his son's wife -and ask her about her husband. She would say to him, "An excellent man! A man who has not slept with us in bed nor removed the veil from us since we came to him!" When that went on for a long time, he (my father) mentioned that to the Messenger of Allah (s). The Messenger of Allah (s) said, "Send him to me." So I went to meet him soon after, and he said, "How often do you fast?" I said, "Every day." He said, "How often do you complete the Qur'an?" I said, "Every night." He said, "Fast three days every month and complete one Qur'an every month." I said, "I have the ability to do more than that." He said, "Then fast three days every week." I said, "I have the ability to do more than that." He said, "Fast after every two days." I said, "I have the ability to do more than that." He said, "Fast the most superior of fasts, the fasting of Dawud  (peace be upon him) who used to fast every alternate day; and complete the recitation of the Qur'an in seven days ... "  

(Sahih al­Bukhari 4765)

In another variation of this same hadith, 'Abdullah ibn Amr (r) relates:

"The Messenger of Allah (s) said to me, "Have I not been informed that you fast all day and pray all night?" I said, "Yes, O Messenger of Allah." He said, "Do not do it. Fast and break the fast, and pray and sleep, because your body has a right over you, your eye has a right over you, your wife has a right over you, and your visitor has a right over you. It is enough for you to fast three days out of every month. Every good action is multiplied by ten, so that is like fasting all the time." But I was austere then and made things hard for myself. I said, "O Messenger of Allah, I feel strong." He said, "Fast the fast of the Prophet of Allah, Dawud (peace be upon him), but do not do more than that." I said, "What is the fast of Dawud (peace be upon him)?" He said, "Half the time." When he became old, 'Abdullah used to say, "I wished I had accepted the easier options provided by the Messenger of Allah (s)."  

(Sahih al-Bukhari 1874)

{Note: This hadith also presents a model of chastity, modesty and bashfulness of the female companions (may Allah be pleased with them all), and tells us how patiently they bore the indifference of their husbands. In the instance quoted, the politeness with which the wife of 'Abdullah ibn Amr answered her father-in-law, when he enquired about the treatment of her husband, is an exceptional example of decency and endurance.}

In this hadith, the Messenger of Allah (s) advises 'Abdullah ibn Amr ibn al-'As (r) to be moderate in his worship, and on learning that he had not slept with his wife, the Messenger of Allah (s) said to him, "Your wife has a right over you," clearly defining the husband's responsibility to fulfil his wife's sexual and other needs.

Abu Juhayfa (r) relates:

"The Messenger of Allah (s) joined Salman (r) and Abu al-Darda' (r) together in brotherhood. Salman visited Abu al-Darda' and saw Umm al-Darda' [Abu al-Darda's wife] poorly dressed and said to her, "What is the matter with you?" She said, "Your brother Abu al-Darda' has no need of this world [meaning he did not care whether his wife adorned herself for him or not since he was very busy in worshiping Allah Most High]." Abu al-Darda' came and made some food for him [i.e. Salman]. Salman said, "Eat." He said, "I am fasting." Salman said, "I will not eat unless you eat." He says, "So he ate." In the night, Abu al-Darda' went to stand in prayer and Salman said to him, "Sleep!" and so he slept. Then he got up again and Salman said, "Sleep!" When it was the latter part of the night, Salman said, "Now get up and they both prayed together." Salman said to him, "Your Lord has a right over you, your self has a right over you and your wife has a right over you, so give each rightful person their due right." Abu al-Darda' came to the Messenger of Allah (s) and mentioned this to him and the Messenger of Allah (s) said, "Salman spoke the truth." 

(Sahih al-Bukhari 1867)

Scholars differ over how regularly a husband must have sex with his wife to fulfil her needs.

1) Imam Abu Hamid al-Ghazali holds that it is religiously obligatory for a man to have sex with his wife once every four nights, a view supported by the following incident:

'Abd al-Razzaq relates in his Al-Musannaf from Qatada and Sha'bi that a woman came to 'Umar (r) and said, "My husband stands at night [in prayer] and fasts during the day." 'Umar (r) said, ''You have praised your husband excellently well." Ka'b ibn Sawwar said to 'Umar, "She is [actually] complaining." 'Umar (r) said, "How?" He said, "She claims to have no share in the marriage from her husband [meaning her husband does not fulfil her rights]." 'Umar (r) said, "If you understand this much, then you decide between them." He (Ka'b) said, "O Amir al-Mu'minin! Allah has permitted him four wives. So she has one day of every four days, and one night of every four nights." (Suyuti, Tarikh al-Khulafa' P: 161)

In light of this, Imam Ghazali's view is that a man must fulfil his wife's sexual needs once every four nights, since he is permitted to spend the other three nights with his other wives, were he to have four. This is also the favoured position of Imam Tahawi (may Allah have mercy on him) of the Hanafi School. (See: Radd al-Muhtar 3:203 & jadid Fiqhi Masa'il 2: 172)

2) Imam Ibn Hazm (may Allah have mercy on him) holds that it is religiously obligatory for a man to sleep with his wife once every month. He states: "It is obligatory upon a man to have sex with his wife at least once in every interval (tuhr) between menstruations if he is able to do so, otherwise he will be sinful. The proof for this is the statement of Allah Most High: "But when they are purified, then approach them from where Allah has commanded you." (Al-Muhalla P: 1672)

Imam Ibn Hazm derives his opinion from the word of Allah Most High: "Approach them," a command indicative of obligation. Most scholars consider this to be a statement that permits sex after menstruation - her menses prohibited sex, and so Allah Most High returns permission once she is purified. Imam Ibn Hazm understood the text literally and ruled that having sex after one's wife is purified from menstruation is obligatory.

3) According to some scholars, a man must have sex with his wife once every four months or else he is sinful. They substantiate their position with the following narration:

Ibn Jarir relates, "I was informed by the one whom I trust that 'Umar ibn al-Khattab (r), while on patrol, heard a woman saying [singing  poetry], "This night stretches out and is dark, and that I am without a companion to be intimate with has made me sleepless. Were it not for the fear of Allah like unto Whom there is none, the sides of this couch would have been moving." 'Umar (r) said, "What is wrong with you?" She said, ''You sent my husband on an expedition some months ago, and I long for him." He said, "Do you intend to do wrong?" She said, "I seek the refuge of Allah!" He said, "So restrain yourself, for it is only a matter of the message being delivered to him." 'Umar (r) sent a message to him [to return]. Then he went to [his daughter] Hafsa and said, "I want to ask you about a matter which concerns me, so dispel it for me. How long can a woman remain without her husband?" She lowered her head and was shy. He said, 'Truly Allah is not shy of the truth." So she gestured with her hand indicating three months, and if that is not possible, then four months. Hence 'Umar (r) declared that armies must not be kept on service for more than four months." (Tarikh al-Khulafa' P: 161-162)

Imam Muwaffaq al-Din Ibn Qudama (may Allah have mercy on him), a prominent Hanbali jurist, also concurs with this position in his masterpiece of Hanbali and comparative fiqh Al-Mughni. He asserts that if the husband abstains from fulfilling his wife's sexual needs due to an Islamically valid reason such as illness, then there is no fixed time­ period for having sex with her. If, however, he abstains without any genuine reason, he is obliged to have sex within four months, and if he fails to fulfil her sexual needs after this period, he is ordered to divorce her. (Al-Mughni8: 551-552)

{Note: It is worth noting here that 'Umar ibn al-Khattab (r) did not ask his wife, but rather his daughter. Mawlana Ashraf 'Ali Thanawi states that the reason for this was that 'Umar (r) expected an impartial answer from his daughter. He thought that there was a possibility of his wife's answer being biased, since it was her husband who was asking. (Al-Ifadat al-Yawmiyya min al-Ifadat al-Qawmiyya 2:300)

4) Most jurists (fuqaha'), including many Hanafi scholars, hold that it is religiously obligatory for a husband to have sex with his wife every so often, without this being fixed at a specific frequency. The prominent Hanafi jurist Imam Haskafi states, "It is religiously obligatory for a husband to have sex with his wife every so often, and he must not reach the duration of four months without her permission ... "

Imam Ibn 'Abidin explains this by stating that the husband is religiously obligated to have sex with his wife every so often, unless he has some kind of illness or some other valid excuse. He then cites Imam Tahawi from the Hanafi School who holds the view that the husband is obligated to have sex with her once every four nights. However, he further states, that the established position of the Hanafi School (zahir al-madhhab) is that there is no fixed time-limit, rather the husband will be obligated to spend the night with his wife and fulfil her sexual needs every so often. (See: Radd al-Muhtar 'ala 'l-Durr al-Mukhtar 3:202-203, Bab al-Qasam)

According to the author, this last position seems to be the most reasonable and practical, especially in our times. As such, the husband must engage in sexual relations with his wife every so often enough to maintain her outward and inward chastity such that she does not incline towards committing an unlawful act. If a man consistently refuses his wife, he will be sinful.

However, as in the case of the husband's right to sexual relations, the obligation to fulfil the sexual needs of one's wife is conditional on the man's physical ability to have sex with his wife. If the husband is too ill or weak to engage in any sexual activity or fears that having sex with his wife will result in unbearable weakness, then he is not required to fulfil his wife's sexual needs, and will not be sinful.

Source: Islamic Guide To Sexual Relations

To Be Continued....

what are the rights of the wife