READ DISCLAIMER BEFORE PROCEEDING
PREPARATION OF THE HUSBAND
What has been mentioned above
in regard to a wife's psychological and physical preparation also applies to
the husband, with the obvious exception of those matters that were directed
exclusively to the wife. As such, the husband should also take note of the
general guidance outlined above, for Allah Most High says:
"And women shall have
rights similar to the rights against them."
(Qur'an 2:228)
Nevertheless, certain specific
issues need to be addressed and examined from the point of view of the husband
also:
1) Cleanliness and Personal
Hygiene
A husband is seriously mistaken
if he thinks that his wife will be sexually attracted to him at all costs, even
if he is in a dirty, unkempt state, giving off bad odours from his mouth and
body. A woman is a sentient creature with feelings and sensitivities even more
delicate than that of a man. At times, she may only be prevented by bashfulness
from making her feelings known to her husband. As such, the husband must ensure
that he takes the means to keep himself clean and hygienic.
The Messenger of Allah (sa) was
the purest of the people. He warned husbands of the detrimental consequences of
not remaining clean. Sayyiduna 'Ali ibn Abi Talib (r) relates that the Messenger of Allah (sa) said:
'Wash your clothes, take care
of your hair, use the siwak, adorn yourselves and remain clean. For the
Children of Israel would not do this, hence their women committed
adultery." ( Kanz al-' Ummal fi Sunan al-Aqwal wa'l-Afal 7175)
Furthermore, 'Abdullah ibn
Abbas (r) says, "I love to adorn myself for my wife as
much as I wish her to adorn herself for me." (Sayd alKhatir P: 142)
The Messenger of Allah (sa) mentioned ten matters from the
pure, primordial and natural disposition of a man known as fitra, which are
from the ways of all the Prophets of Allah, particularly Sayyiduna Ibrahim
(peace be upon him), and sound human nature is naturally inclined towards them.
Sayyida 'A'isha (r) relates that the Messenger of Allah (s) said:
'Ten matters are from upright
natural disposition (fitra): Trimming the moustache, letting the beard
grow, using the tooth-stick, rinsing the nose, cutting the nails, washing the
joints, plucking the hair under the armpits, shaving the pubic hair and
cleaning one's private parts with water (istinja)." The narrator
said, "I have forgotten the tenth, but it may have been rinsing the
mouth."
(Sahih Muslim 261, Sunan Abi Dawud 53, Sunan
al-Tirmidhi 2757,
Sunan al-Nasa'i 9286 and Sunan Ibn Majah 293)
As such, in terms of personal
hygiene, the husband should keep the following points in mind:
a)
The husband should ensure that he remains clean by avoiding dirt,
filth and bad odour. After relieving himself, he should clean his genital area
properly with water (istinja). The Messenger of Allah (sa) included istinja amongst the ten matters of
upright natural disposition (fitra), as mentioned earlier. Sayyida
'A'isha (r) addressing Muslim women, said:
"Tell your husbands to
wash their private parts with water, for I am too shy to tell them so. The
Messenger of Allah (sa) used
to do that."
(Sunan al-Tirmidhi 19)
The hands should be washed
thoroughly after one relieves oneself, preferably using soap until all traces
of ritual impurity (najasa) are removed. After urinating, a man is
required to ensure that drops of urine are completely removed from his urine
passage (istibra).
b)
The husband should make sure that he avoids anything that causes
distaste or is a "turn off'' for his wife. He should take special care
that he does not have bad breath or body odour.
In order to remove bad body
odour, the husband should have regular baths, especially when intending to have
sexual relations with his wife. Applying perfume ('itr) is a Sunna of the beloved
Messenger of Allah (sa) and it should not be neglected. There are many natural scents that can
be used, such as Musk, Ambar and Oud. The Messenger of Allah (sa) is reported to have said, "Musk is the most
pleasant of scents." (Sahih Muslim 2252)
One may also use mainstream
deodorants and bodysprays, provided they are halal. Likewise, in order
to remove bad odours from the mouth, the husband should brush his mouth and
teeth thoroughly. Mouth rinsing (madhmadha) is one of the ten matters of
natural disposition (fitra). The mouth should be washed in order to
remove all traces of food that stick to the teeth and damage them. A mouthwash
may be used provided it contains no haram ingredients. Using the siwak
was also mentioned as one of the ten matters of fitra. Sayyiduna
Hudhayfa (r) relates:
"Whenever the Messenger of
Allah (sa)
got up [for prayers] at night,
he would clean his mouth rigorously with the siwak."
(Sahih Muslim 255)
Imam Nawaw'i, in his commentary
of Sahih Muslim, states that using the siwak to brush the mouth
and teeth is recommended at all times, but especially so when one has a bad
odour of the mouth. He states that bad odour of the mouth has many causes,
including abstaining from eating and drinking, consuming something that has an
offensive smell to it, prolonged silence, and talking too much. (Al-Minhaj
Sharh, Sahih Muslim P: 334)
Ensuring that the mouth is
clean and fresh is extremely important when the couple intend on having sexual
relations. Surely, it is wrong for the husband to kiss his wife passionately
without having washed his mouth and brushed his teeth properly. Smokers and
anyone who habitually consumes distasteful things should take extra
precautions, as it can kill the passion and desire of the spouse.
c)
The husband should also pay attention to his attire and external appearance
by dressing neatly and wearing clean and ironed clothes, for Allah Most High is
beautiful and likes beauty. He should change his clothes regularly and keep
them neat and tidy. It is surely wrong for the husband to walk around in filthy and
unwashed clothes. Some husbands fail to give due importance to this and engage
in sexual relations with their wives even in their work-clothes! Not only is
this a "turn off'' for the wife, it also reflects selfishness on the part
of the husband. Sayyiduna Jibir ibn 'Abdullah (r) relates:
" ... And he (the
Messenger of Allah (sa) saw another man wearing dirty clothes and said,
"Could this man not find something to wash his garments with?"
(Sunan
Abi Dawud 4059)
Sayyiduna Abu al-Darda' (r) said to Sahl Ibn al-Hanzaliyya (r) recorded by Imam Abu Dawud in his Sunan as
part of a long hadith, "... [Tell us] a word which benefits us and does
not harm you." He said, "I heard the Messenger of Allah (s) say:
"You are on your way to
meet your brothers, so fix your saddles and tidy your dresses, until you appear
distinct among people as a beauty mark [on a beautiful face]. Allah does not
like roughness and rough manners."
(Sunan Abi Dawud 4086 & Musnad Ahmad 4: 180)
Sayyiduna 'Abdullah ibn Mas'ud (r) relates that the Messenger of Allah (s) said:
"He who has in his heart
the weight of a mustard seed of pride shall not enter Paradise." A man
asked, "A person may like his dress to be nice, and his shoes to be nice. He(sa) said, ''Verily, Allah is beautiful and loves beauty.
Pride is to reject the truth [out of arrogance] and have contempt for the
people."
(Sahih Muslim 91)
As such, the Sunna is to remain
clean, wearing neat clothing and smelling good. A man should dress neatly, even
with friends and relatives. His attire should be clean and elegant, not ugly
and unsightly. If he looks good in clean clothes, he will be pleasant to look
at and people will enjoy his presence. If he is the opposite, people will look down
upon him and not give him any importance. This is even more important where a
husband-wife relationship is concerned.
Imam Ibn al Jawzi states in his Sayd al-Khatir that
staying filthy is a cause of the wife disliking her husband. She may feel
uncomfortable discussing it with her husband, but it will result in her losing interest
in him. In remaining clean and pure, the wife will be drawn towards her husband.
Women are but sisters (or the other half) of men (shaqa'iq), and just as
a husband may dislike something of her, she too may dislike something of him. (Sayd
al-Khatir P: 141 & 142)
d)
Keeping the hair, whether it is the hair of the head or the beard,
clean and neat is also important. The husband should oil and comb his hair. If
he is unable to maintain the hair of his head properly, he should have it
trimmed or shaved. The beard should be combed, kept neat, and oiled if
possible. Sayyiduna Abu Hurayra (r) relates that the Messenger of Allah (sa) said:
"He who has hair should
take care of it."
Sayyiduna Jibir ibn 'Abdullah (r) relates: The Messenger of Allah (sa) came to us, and saw a dishevelled man whose hair was disordered. So he said, "Could this man not find something to arrange his hair with?"
(Sunan Abi Dawad 4160)
Sayyiduna Jibir ibn 'Abdullah (r) relates: The Messenger of Allah (sa) came to us, and saw a dishevelled man whose hair was disordered. So he said, "Could this man not find something to arrange his hair with?"
(Sunan Abi Dawud 4059)
The Messenger of Allah (sa) would
also look after the hair of his head and beard. Sayyiduna Anas ibn Malik (r) relates:
'The Messenger of Allah (sa)
would often oil his hair, comb his beard and frequently use Qina' [a cloth placed on the head to wipe off
and absorb oil], so much so that his cloth was similar to the cloth of an
oil-seller." (Shama'il al-Tirmidhi 33)
It is also permissible, rather
recommended, for a man to dye the hair of his head and beard, provided the
ingredients used in the hair-dye are halal. The best form of hair dye to
be applied to the head or beard is henna. Sayyiduna Aba Dhar (r) relates that the Messenger of Allah (sa) said:
'The best dye to change [one's]
old age (grey hair), is henna (a red plant dye) and katm (a type
of grass)." (Sunan al-Tirmidhi 1753 & others)
However, using pure black
hair-dye is not permitted or at the least disliked according to most Hanafi and
Shafi'i jurists (fuqaha), even for the purpose of
adorning oneself for one's wife. (Radd al-Muhtar and Al-Majmu') The
Messenger of Allah (sa) said,
" ... Abstain from using
black dye."
(Sahih Muslim 2102)
The hair which grows on the
cheeks or throat of a man is not considered to be part of his beard, for a
beard is that which grows on the jawbone. As such, it is permitted for a man to
remove hair from the cheeks by shaving or trimming it. (Radd al-Muhtar 6:407
and Al-Fatawa al-Hindiyya 5:358)
The husband should also ensure
that he shaves or at least trims his moustache. In the Hadith quoted earlier
regarding the ten matters of Fitra, "trimming the moustache" was also
included. As such, shortening the moustache is an agreed upon Sunna, and to
keep the moustache long to the point that it covers the top of the upper lip is
blameworthy. It is considered to be unhygienic
because food and other undesirable things are likely to get stuck in such a
moustache. This becomes more important for a husband, since a long moustache
may prove to be uncomfortable, to say the least, when couples kiss one another.
After agreeing that a man must
shorten his moustache, scholars have disagreed about the extent to which the
moustache should be trimmed. Is it better to completely remove one's moustache,
or is it enough to shorten the moustache such that it no longer covers the top of
the upper lip? This difference of opinion stems from the fact that the hadiths
of the Messenger of Allah (sa) mention two things. Some mention "Shortening the
moustache" whilst others mention "Removing the moustache".
From the Hanafi School, Imam Abu
ja'far al-Tahawi explains in his Sharh Ma'ani al-Athar that it is
recommended (mustahab) to shave the moustache completely, and this is
better than shortening it, affirming that this was the position of Imam Aba Hanifa
and both his main students. He also reports, with his authentic chains of transmission,
that this was the practice of great Companions, including 'Abdullah ibn 'Umar,
Aba Hurayra, Aba Sa'id al-Khudri, Aba Usayd al-Sa'idi, Rafi' ibn Khadij, Jabir
ibn Abdillah, Anas ibn Malik, and others (r) (Sharh Ma'ani al-Athar 4:23o-231)
Imam Bukhari reports that
'Abdullah ibn 'Umar (r) used to trim his moustache so short that the whiteness of his skin
could be seen. (Sahih, al-Bukhar'i 5:2208)
According to Imam Malik, it is
detested to shave the moustache completely; rather the Sunna is to shorten the
moustache such that it does not cover the top of the upper lip. (Muwatta'
Malik 2:507)
Imam Nawawi of the Shafi'i
School states that the Sunna is to trim the moustache from above the upper lip,
without shaving the moustache completely. (Al-Majmu' Sharh al-Muhadhdhab 1:
159)
In the Hanbali School, both
shaving the moustache completely and shortening it are from the Sunna. As such,
a man can choose between shaving his moustache completely and trimming it
without shaving. (Ibn al-Qayyim, Zad al-Ma'ad 1:173)
Regardless of this minor
difference of opinion between the various jurists (fuqaha), what is
clear is that all the jurists are unanimous on the impermissibility of keeping
one's moustache long to the point that it covers one's upper lip. This is so
because Zayd ibn Arqam (r) relates that the Messenger of Allah (sa) said:
"Whosoever does not take
from his moustache is not one of us." (Sunan al-Tirmidh'i 2761 and Musnad Ahmad. Imam Tirmidhi said that
this is a rigorously authenticated hadith)
Those who have a habit of
keeping long moustaches must take heed from this. It is wrong to leave the moustaches long and thick,
since the warning in the Prophetic hadith is quite stem. Not only is shortening
the moustache the way of the Prophets, it also helps maintain one's beauty and
elegance.
Finally, the extended parts of
the moustache, i.e. the hair between the moustache and the beard, are
considered part of the moustache, and thus it is permitted to remove them.
There is also nothing wrong in leaving this hair untrimmed. (Al-Fatawa
al-Hindiyya, 5:358)
e)
The husband should also make sure that he removes his pubic and
underarm hair regularly. Untrimmed hair in the pubic area and armpits is a
cause of bad body odour, as dirt and sweat may gather there. Removing underarm
hair and shaving pubic hair are both included in the ten matters of fitra. As
such, it is disliked to leave hair on these areas to the point that the hair
becomes long.
It is recommended to remove the
pubic and armpit hair weekly, ideally on a Friday. It is not disliked to delay
this to two weeks. However, it is blameworthy beyond that, and sinful beyond
forty days. (Al-Fatawa al-Hindiyya 5:357-358)
In a similar manner, the
husband should clip his nails and not let them grow too long, given that dirt
is easily gathered under the nails. Clipping the nails is also from the matters
of fitra. As such, it is blameworthy to leave the nails uncut beyond two
weeks, and sinful beyond forty days. (Ibid)
Sayyiduna Anas ibn Malik (r) relates:
"A time-limit was
prescribed for us [by the Messenger of Allah (sa)] for shortening the moustache, clipping the nails, plucking armpit hair
and shaving the pubic hair, that it should not be left for more than forty
nights."
(Sahih Muslim 258)
2)
Good Treatment and Seduction
To Be Continued....
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